My Myriad of Mosaics

An update! Wahoo!

2009-07-23T11:34:00.001-07:00

So many things to mention! So many things need telling! Here we go! Ready? MAUPIN: My family and I went on a small vacation several weeks back, (shoulda told you then) and it was wonderful. Our third trip, third year. It was so very windy, but in retrospect, it really was part of what made the trip fun. That, and the potlucks and BBQ's, the bus people, (it was a VW group my dad belongs to) and the concerts and talent shows we would listen to late into the night. None of us have performed yet, but I think we will one day. (Come on mom!) I went without Jon, which was real hard for me. It was the longest we'd been apart in months, the most nights without being at each other's sides. It was a challenge, but we would call each other each night and talk on the phone. It wasn't for more than a few minutes, as we were on roaming and every minute cost a bundle. But these talks helped me, I hope they helped him too. RENT: Coryn, me and mom went to see RENT! It was fantastic! I even got the autograph of Anthoney Rapp, the original actor who played Mark in the movie and the play when it was on Broadway. It was so exciting! I got to see him in person! The play itself was fantastic. We three were talking about it all the way home in the bus, singing the tunes, exchanging our favorite parts, commenting on the differences between the movie and the play. By the way, we've both decided the play, (once again) completely outdoes the movie! I love seeing plays! I always forget how much I love them until we go back again. SEARCH AND RESCUE: As you know, I am gone from it. I gave in my resignation letter over a month ago, and have been completely removed from their books and their radar. However, it seems not all ties have been severed. I still have had one Recruit call me asking questions. (He apparently has not gotten the memo) And another who has called me twice, asking questions concerning the Unit itself. She has wondered why I left, what my issues were, and so on. She is leaving as well, and as she informed me yesterday morning, it seems many others have as well. It's sad just how many have dropped, but I am not surprised. This woman who told me this information now shares many of the same views as I have, and though she plans to turn in no letter, I hope the higher-ups will get the clue BEFORE September, when the next Recruits arrive. I believe there is pontential in this Unit, but someone needs to realize the issues first, and do something about them. TYE-DYING: Susan came over a little while back. She, mom and I all did some tye-dying. It was sooooooo much fun! I don't even think Susan knows just how much mom and I enjoyed it. We did countless pieces, which we then got to reveal later the same afternoon. We loved them all! We even impressed ourselves with our own skill! DRIVING: Yes, for the past month I have been studying for my driver's permit. In the last week, I have taken the test twice, failed it both times. The first time I kinda assumed I'd fail, because most people I knew had. However, most of those people passed the second time, so I got overconfident. I thought I was sure to pass the second time as wel, but was wrong anyway. Now my confidence for the entire thing has been shot. I am trying to raise it again. I've reread the maunel twice since my last test, both my parents have gone through it with me, Jon has tossed simple questions at me while he's driving with me somewhere. I've really tried to get my head to the right place, now I just need to get myself to go back in again. It's been days since I last went, Monday being the last time. I am pushing it aside, and I know if I don't watch it, I just won't do it. BIRTHDAYS: Last week there were so many birthdays, Melia's on the 13th, Jon's on the 14th, and my grandmother's on the 15th! (We call her Peaches Grandma for the stored peaches she used to keep when we still lived in Indiana) I plan to send my grandma a letter, as mom has already sent her a package. I know she loves letters. I really wish I would establish a better connection with her. MELIA: I've gotten her gifts every birthday since I first met her in 2003. Last year, even though our friendship was in tatters, I still got her a good gift and even drove it all the way to her house. I got no thanks, no appreciation, nothing. This year, I gave her the same, nothing. No gift. No card. No word. She hasn't been there for me whatsoever. We're done. I know it now. We're all done. JON: He slept over the night before, and at midnight, my family paused the movie we were watching, and we all sang to him. I knew it embaressed him, but it was so cute! The next morning, we were laid back and relaxed. When he picked me up that night, I gave him my gift to him, a Japanese Bonsai Juniper Tree. He's wanted one for a long time, see. I also gave him a card, and then my parents. (they'd kindly offered to pay for our dinner that night) we went to an Asian place called Wong's King on Division street. It was real fancy, and actually rather tasty. I was adventerous, as was he. He got sea bass. I got sizzling eggplant! We spent the remainder of the evening at his house, watching a movie called Punyo By The Sea. (An anime movie he enjoys) The next morning, we enjoyed a bit of the Old West. (You know what I'm talking about Jon!) That's not all though! He thought that was the end of it, but little did he know that I had a surprise dinner planned for the following Saturday. (He'd never had someone throw him a surprise party) So for well over a month I'd been planning with his brothers and sister-in-laws, getting this dinner together. That night, I told him my family was eating with friends, while he and I were going to eat at Sweet Tomatoes. When we got there, he found my family, and his family! We all gathered at a long table to eat. We gave him presents, a tye-dye shirt from me, stone statues from my parents, (of Japanese dogs) and money from his family. (He'll later use it to take my family to see Transformers. I love that man!) It was a wonderful surprise! I really got him! Of course, a week later, he got me right back!

The result of self-nagging

2009-05-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Here I am! I have an update in my pocket, and am ready to type it upon the screen. I have several topics to cover, (perhaps over the course of several posts) Seattle: Over the past month or so, Jon and I have been saving money for a trip. We'd already decided we wanted it to be to Seattle WA, and we hit our goal amount (round $285) just in time. On Friday morning, we were off. Here is a simple schedule covering the following several days. Thursday: We stay up late, plotting and planning. I have already done the grocery shopping. I have created and typed up our weekend intinerary, and by 1am we have edited and refined it. The money is counted, (we saved it in this very pretty blue jar my mom lent us) and we have specific budgets for each of the upcoming days. We are excited! Friday: We pack the cooler and the car. We say goodbye, and I make three trips back into the house, to grab the car speakers (I bought them for Jon to connect to his Ipod. Now he can listen to it in the car! I think he liked them!) Then back into get the directions, and a last time to say goodbye to the brother who made me promise to wake him up to say goodbye. We head out. We get coffee. We get money from the bank. We hit the highway. Then its driving. Its music and talking. Laughing and excitement. I take a picture of a sign for "Seattle" and feel myself growing giddy. We take turns hearing each other's music, his rock and roll, my new age. I nap on his shoulder, wake to lulling music playing that HE chose! After three hours, we arrive at the hotel. We're unpacking. He insists on putting everything in the drawers, whereas I would have kept things in my baggage. We relax. We're laying on the bed, kissing, hugging and being lovey-dovey as we like to do. At 5pm, we are leaving for downtown Seattle. We are visiting the "Experience the Music Project." Jon says he has heard great things, and because I love the man, I humor him to find out! We discover it is fun! There are soundproof rooms to play drums, guitars and other instruments. There are others in which you can see along with computerized lyrics and a microphone. The first singing one we tried had no door on it, and though we could sing in front of each other, we couldn't sing when others were standing outside the open doorway! When we found one that was enclosed, we truly enjoyed ourselves! We kept laughing and laughing! We laughed at each other and at ourselves! Afterwards, while wandering around outside, we discovered a large festival! It was packed with people, the crowds were almost overwhelming! We held each other's hands as we wandered throughout. We marveled at the booths and the beautiful wares displayed. We smiled at the musicians standing on every corner, some with drums, some singing, some with speakers, cords and electric guitars, and some with instruments I could not even name! We also sighed at the glorious scents wafting from the food booths. We stopped one place, got a long stick that had chocolate covered bananas and strawberries. It was near two feet long! We loved it, but I got so messy! Later, we ate dinner on the grass, while staring out over the various crowds listening to various music. I ate my fallefal pita, and Jon ate his Korean platter. (I think that is what it was...so often, I can't pronounce/remember the titles of what that boy eats!) We retired to the hotel just as the sun was setting over the waterfront. We chatted much, regarding all that we had seen, observed and enjoyed. The hotel, we relaxed again. We watched a few minutes of The Mask on TV, then we spent the rest of the night letting lovey-doveyness "rain" down upon us! What a wonderful beginning to our wonderful trip!

Prom (and other things)

2009-04-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a week. Full of excitement and wonders abound. Some I can mention, others I can't, some I won't. It's been a week full of surprises and fun. Went swimming with Jon a couple days ago. Never realized how much fun swimming with one person could be. Got exposed to lice last Tuesday. I have treated my hair, and treated Jon's. We are both crossing our fingers, my family is too! I am applying to work for the Red Cross as a Disaster Responder. I am handing in my letter resignation to SAR this Wednesday. I cannot tell you how excited I am. we will all be going out for ice cream afterwards, to celebrate my unsomber depart! Jon, me and my parents counted up the fund Jon and I are saving for a trip. He and I are going to Seattle over Memorial Day Weekend. (He has a 4 day weekend then. YAY!) We just have enough now to rent the hotel. We are excited! Saw the Musical Grease last Thursday. It was fantastic, and amazingly unlike any play we'd seen before. (Which is saying something considering how many we have attended over the years) I am collecting all the keychains I've gotten from musicals, concerts and plays tonight. I want to see how many I have. Check back for the update on that. Last Wednesday was Jon and I's anniversary of 3 months. 3 months since our first date at Powell's. We exchanged gifts at midnight of the night before, and it was so very sweet! I love that boy. Prom was last night. (Sunday) And it was fantastic. Mom helped me get ready. (Took an hour I think!) I took a shower, put together the outfit, did my hair, put on lipstick, found my shoes and put together a mini-purse. My parents drove Jon and I to the prom, (which took some arranging, but I really really really wanted her to be there when we walked in, so we could compare opinions on girls dresses, boy suits and so on. That is vital to me) The night was magical. Jon was a little nervous and awkward at first, and I helped him best I could. I knew he'd never really danced before, so I did what I could. For awhile, I slowed down and tamed my dancing style. I invited him into a circle of my old SG-1 friends, but quickly realized that only made him further uncomfortable. I took him to the side and we danced one-on-one. Within an hour, he made me realize I was MUCH happier dancing with just him. It was the entirety of prom had changed now that I hadn't gone alone. Whenever I entered a room, there was a boy seeking me out. Whenever I left a room, I knew there was a boy waiting for me. Whenever I danced, it didn't feel right without him dancing in front of me. Jon worried that I was keeping myself away from my friends. No. I was happier with him. During one slow dance, I was wrapped around him and for once, I kept my eyes open. I gazed about the room, and glimpses of other proms flashed before my eyes. This was my fifth prom, my second time going with a partner. The last time was when I'd first gone. The images flashed before my eyes. I could see them like shadows dancing about the rooms, skippng among the real people, until one blurred with the other. My first prom. I can see myself, much younger than, in a gothic floor length dress of crimson red and midnight black. I see myself with Everett, running about as we try to hook up his younger brother, (Clayton, Melia's/Cat's boyfriend) with my friend, Sarita. I try and play match-maker with Everett, having fun, even though it is not him I wish I was with. Even though there is another boy there I was were with, but cannot be. I spend my prom longing and wanting. Into my second prom my mind flows. I see myself standing in the middle of the stage, and I am dancing by myself. I am loving it, loving it and flaunting myself without a care to who sees. Everett is gazing on from below, his eyes set upon me with longing when they should be upon his date, my dear Melia. I think he goes with her to spite me, to try and draw me back to him. It will take him years to realize I cannot be won back. I am still longing and wanting to a certain boy, but cannot have him, so I let myself fall into a game that shall last my years....the game of asking boys to dance. One prom vanishes from my thoughts, and the next slides into place. My third prom, and I was very close to not going single, but ended my chance a few months before. I go single, and continue to play my game, but this time I have the SG-1 and for this prom, that is enough. Despite my wanting and longing, I am happy. And into the fourth prom goes my thoughts. Last year, I had given up on the boy I'd wanted since prom-1. By the time I went to prom, I no longer wanted or longed for him. By hooking up, I'd watched him change. I no longer wanted anything to do with him. The SG-1 was gone, and for the first time in the last four years that the group had attended Prom together, no group photo was taken. No one wanted one, no one needed it or desired it.....but for me. They were gone from me. I played my game, went about the room, asking boys to dance with me who don't give a damn. It was fun, do not get me wrong, it was! But it got old and lonely. And now I whirled about on my fifth prom, and these phantoms danced around me, phantoms of memory. There was happiness in them, yes. I loved prom. I'd loved every single prom that had passed. But this one? I saw girls lining the edges of the room, watching the couples slow dance. They watched with longing eyes, desiring and wanting eyes. They were lonely. I saw a few girls who looked as if they were playing my "game," of asking boys to dance. I pitied them all, I did, but oh! How happy I was not to be them! I was no girl on the side. I wasn't asking guys to dance. I wasn't playing the "game" anymore. Now I had a boy. I had Jon, and he was everything. Prom was magical. Every bit of it. The preperation. The prom itself, and afterwards. The parents picked us up, drove us to Safeway. Jon and I went in, wearing full prom attire, got a thing of ice cream. At home, we settled onto the couch with our Chunky Monkey and fed each other each spoonful, laughing all the while. My parents surprised us with a bed made up upstairs on the deck, under the stars. There was a peom there my mom had written. It held humor, and sweetness. It had kindness and laughs. There was love and there were smiles. My dad had made the bed. My mom made the poem. It was a beautiful surprise. A beautiful end to a beautiful night.

Sexy aluminum foil

2009-04-01T00:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, that would be the name of one of the prom dresses I tried on early last week. I was out with my mom to a Goodwill, shopping for my prom dress. We tried on, (well, I tried on. She assisted. Yes, I got stuck in a dress several times. Stop laughing!) perhaps 9 gowns. One was perfect and went home with us...and no, its not the one that's in the subject line. (That one was a rippling silver, and really did look like foil! Though it did look good and would have been my second choice!) No, the one I chose is far more me. I won't detail it too much, because a certain boyfriend of mine is reading this. I don't want him knowing what I will wear yet. (So there Jon!) It is midnight blue though, and very elegant. I will certainly post photos of us in all our loveliness after prom! More later! I have great and glorious news to announce. (yes, Jon, you know what I am talking about. Yes, mom, you do too!)

The goods, the bads, the looking forward to's

2009-03-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

Here is a lovely little list of the things I don't need in my life right now. (Then will come the things I DO have, so I end on a positive note. See? My optimistic boyfriend IS having a good affect on me!) (1) I do not need SAR in my life anymore. I realized I have been doing it more because I like the idea of it, than because I receive a pleasure from doing the work of it. I like to tell people "I work for the Sheriff's Office." I like to show off the uniform and my 30 pound pack that most can't lift, let alone carry for 9 hours straight. I like the respect the male population has for me when they hear of my work. I enjoy the muscles I mantain due to SAR. The work is noble work. I save lives. I assist and comfort people who are scared in the forest and are desperate. I take pride in my work with the Sheriff's Office. I take confidence in it. I take confidence and pride in very little, but I do in this. But the work itself? I have begun to realize more and more recently that I earn little joy from it. Sure, I have obtained many skills through SAR. Skills that will assist with wherever else I go in life, will help me get the foot in the door with other organizations. The experience is good. This has been worth it and I do not regret it by any means. To all this, my parents agree, but we have begun to believe there is nothing else for me to earn from it. I have obtained the skills. I've had the experiences. These thoughts aren't out of nowhere. I had a phone conversation last night with two of the SAR Advisors and they have only confirmed my previous thoughts and doubts. They were plain rude, unkind and unfair. Now, I am a pretty reasonable person. I do my duty. I meet what they require of me without fail. I make sacrifices for them, as all SAR people do. I carry out my responsibilities. And they called me "wishy-washy," and told me I was giving "attitude." Now, if you know me remotely well, do I give attitude? Am I wishy-washy? Grrr. More on that at another time. (2) Invitations to things I do not want to attend. I am so tired of having to lie in regards to coming to things I don't want to. (3) People hosting parties where alcohol is served to minors. It pisses me off, not just because it is illegal, but because they KNOW I won't attend those parties. (4) Writers-friggin-block. I can write. I feel inspired to write, but the words feel forced when I conjur them. And you know what happened recently for the first time in my life? A fellow fictional writer outwrote me. YES! He wrote more words than ME! Damn. (And yes...you guessed right....it was Jon) (5) A lack of ice cream when I am deppressed, which I was last night. I was really bummed, and then was this morning abit too. No ice cream. Grr. (6) A lack of snacks in the house at midnight, when it is time for a fourth meal. (And no. I ain't doing that whole "taco bell fourth meal" thing.) I am hungry. (7) People who do not pick up on hints. You try to convey messages, rewording it and rephrasing it over and over again, but it just doesn't get through! It's like you can see the words going in one of their ears, and coming right out the other AS you're talking! Grrrrrrrr....again. (8) I have this great and wonderful kayak in my backyard, that I built TWO years ago, and I haven't been able to take it out. I have no way of transporting it. It saddens me and makes me miss kayaking waters, whether still, or fast. Alrighty! Let's see what comes out for "things in my life that are gooooood." (1) My parents are so happy with each other right now. I adore seeing them smile at each other. (2) Going out with my mom like we did a few days ago, for an "us" day, which we don't do near as much anymore now that I have Jon. We saw the movie "he's just not that into you." We laughed, and shared treats in the theatre, and had an all around great time with each other, as we always do. (3) Jon has been so good to me. Coming over when I was sick and taking care of me. (I typically let no one see me sick but my parents. Not my friends, and never boyfriends. My ex's probably never saw me with more than a headache. I didn't allow it.) We see each other almost every weekend now. I spend the night. We kiss. We snuggle. We hug. We whisper and laugh. He makes me feel good about me, the way he offers compliments...now if I could just get that boy to get along with my family..... (smile) I keep trying, and he does chat well, but....there is still something missing. I think its a connection...I do not sense one between him and them. I sense unease in him, a desperation to impress and to tell of himself. I wish I could tell him that its okay to relax, and that its good to speak to the parents, and that he's already blown them away. My parents see him as sweet, a gentleman, and funny. Beyond that though, I like being held by him. I miss that alot when he is away. I like being held, and I like holding him. I like to see the look on his face when he doesn't see me looking. Relaxed, calm. I like to hear him talk at 2 in the morning. He slows down. His words are more gradual. He relaxes and there is a gentle mellowness to him. I like to see him like that. I like to laugh with him, like we did hiking to Multnomah Falls last weekend. We laughed about sitting in the rain eating lunch, the sky raining buckets on us. (It really was raining hard) He told me alot of things, about comedians, movies, so on, and I liked listening. I like his holding me. I like holding him. I like the twinkle I saw in his eye when he left my house this morning. (4) I made Jon watch Harry Potter 1. He has never seen them, and I felt he had been movie-illy deprived. I do not know if he enjoyed it. It is always so friggin hard to tell if guys like movies or not! (Women, I am sure you can understand this?) (5) For the third year in a row, (as many of you know) I did NaNoWriMo this last November. (Writing a book of 50 thousand words in the month of November) and this time, they have given all winners the chance to get hard copies of their books. The deadline for this is June. I look forward to it! (And by the way, darling readers, this means it is also automatically available for the publics reading as well. :)) Of course, this means editing comes first. Here comes my fourth....grrrrr. (Give me a sec here. I am determined to have more Good Things than Bad. So be patient) (6) I have obtained some information on pathways to come "after" Search and Rescue. The Red Cross and a FEMA Unit. Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to research on these areas. (7) I have been working on my room for over a week now. (I think) Now, I don't mean picking things up, rearranging books or, (god forbid!) hanging up clothing. I mean getting rid of things, (VERY hard for me. Just ask my parents) I mean rearranging and replacing furniture. I mean consolidating and containing. I mean dusting and scrubbing. It's been some intense work, and my family has all been assisting. I know my parents are real proud, and I know I am of me. I look forward to what it will look like when finished. I would really like it to end up resembling more of an office, rather than a bedroom or personal quarters. (8) My mom has helped me alot during my being with Jon. She helps make suggestions with his gifts, helps when I plan dates, and especially offers wisdom when I am confused, torn, or anxious. And Jon should know.....(hi Jon!) my mom is the one who found the link to the site that I met him on. If not for her, we would never have met. NOW you have something to thank my mom for don't cha? But my mom has been so helpful. She constantly fears she involves herself too much, and I keep telling her, I treasure her involvement. (Let's see how long it takes for her to believe me!) (9) My cell phone is something I feel torn about. With it, I can stay in contact with my parents in the house, (when we are lazy and prefer to text than yell for each other) and I can text Jon when he is at work, telling him I miss him. It also means I am constantly on the radar, constantly in reach of friends, of other people that bug me, of those other people who are the asshats of my life. I guess this would be a half-grrr. (10) I am dreaming again. I missed dreaming. I haven't been, and I haven't been recording. I want them back. They are a deep, vital, important part of me. (11) (Because it is my lucky number) Summer is coming. I can smell it in the air, and I feel more alive that I have in awhile. Stressed a little today? Yes, but alive. I am feeling passionate, compassionate, and adventerous. I am ready for excitement, contentment, and travel, whether these be of the body and the world, or the mind and the heart/soul. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I get to see Jon. I look forward to tonight, and another dream. (Perhaps I can get back to recording as well as I did before, 5 nights out of the week at least! Yay!) I am looking forward to my SAR responsibilities being done. (though it will sadden me. I will require ice cream THAT day) I look forward to the summer, and the camps coming, and the spring, and those trips I will go on with my family. I look forward to hearing back about the job I have applied for being a summer camp counselor for the YMCA. I am looking forward to tomorrow, and being held again, and relaxing. My SAR bummedness will wear off, especially in the face of this anticipation. I look forward to Now, for it is the sweetest there is.

A lovely weekend

2009-03-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

On Friday evening, my boy came to pick me up. I was nervous. I was still sick. As any natural woman does, I feared for my appearence. My hair was greasy. I hadn't brushed my teeth. I was having nose trouble. My cough was acting up. I was tired. I was wearing yesterday's clothes. So, with my mom's fine assistance, I flew into the shower. I washed my hair, brushed my teeth, floofed my hair. I packed, took a pill for my cough, and right in the middle of finishing my backpack for that night, what happens? SAR calls. OF COURSE it does! A recruit asks me a question. I do not know the answer. (Haven't been to a meeting in two weeks!) I ask 4 people, trying to find the answer. Once I obtain it, the person gives me MORE work to do! So, while trying to decide what sort of PJ's I want with me for this "sleepover," I am also calling and texting people! GAH! So frustrating. So, I am picked up with wet hair! While my cute boyfriend waits in the kitchen, I am searching for my shoes, and my wallet, and my half-dead cell phone, and my coat. I can't find things, and I am coughing, and frustrated. I hide my exasperation, as I am pretty skilled at doing, and slowly obtain the required items. That is the end of the hard parts though. I leave with him, and as the door closes, I can see my mom smirking at me. I knew her thoughts, just as she likely knows mine. This is the first night I will have spent at Jon's. I have not been to his apartment before. (except briefly to pick him up and take him to the airport.....oh! I still need to tell you about that don't I? Forgetful me!) He has slept at my house several times. We have slept, curled up next to each other, many times, but we have yet to do it at "his place." (Makes it sound forboding doesn't it?) Mom and I have had many conversations about tonight. I am nervous, I do admit. Jon knows I am nervous. I have spent nights at my boyfriends houses before, but never when no one else occupied the house. So of course, I was carrying a little anxiety with me when I left the house. My mom grinned at me, offering me courage. I took it, smiled, feeling confident. And it all paid off. I have found with this boy, that when I am not with him, I think too much. I constantly ponder what will happen to us, where are we going, what we will do, how we might hurt each other, how we might help or heal each other, how we might change or care about each other. Outcomes and possibilities, flitting about my mind, causing worry and concern, nervousness and anxiety. When I am with him, however, I stop thinking. Thoughts quiet. Concerns settle. Worry fades. Outcomes and possibilities drift into the corners of my brain. At our "sleepover," it was the same. We laid on the bed together, and watched a movie. (An anime named Metropolis, followed by Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure) During them, our feet played footsy, our hands clasped, we exchanged quiet smiles. My thinking slowed, and I relaxed. After it all, we spent an hour or more curled up, kissing, whispering, smiling, cuddling. It was a magical moment, a moment just for us. We slept good, although I awoke before he did. I laid there for 30 minutes, waiting for the alarm to go off. My cough woke me up and then wouldn't let me go back to sleep. It was irritating, but feeling Jon wrapped around me made it worth it. He makes a lot of things worth it. (Like trying eel, or sushi....or seaweed) More on the rest of the weekend later! I am sleepy, and I am going to settle onto the couch with my mom, where we will confer, converse, and do all that chit-chatty girl stuff!

sick

2009-03-08T23:01:00.001-07:00

To start with, I am going to give an update on the life of the "plague house." This is what I have come to call the Orr HouseHold. For three weeks, have we been attacked by this terrible thing. Three weeks, we have suffered, struggled, faked smiles. Now, at the edge of three weeks, we are better than we were a week ago. I know I am, but I'm sure that is due to several things: We are using medications now, such as cough syrup, cough drops, and pills that assist with the eradication of coughs. You remember that day that Jon had a little surprise for me that he'd do without seeing me? Well, come evening he calls me, says check the front porch step. There, I discover a bottle of Orange Juice, a thing of hot soup, (It was hot!) and a poem. Over my cell phone, I read the poem aloud. (I will go get it and edit this post later, putting in the verses) It is so cute and so lovely and so sweet. After I read it, Jon tells me that he is parked up the street. He can come over, say hi, or drive home. The choice is mine. By this point, I want to see him. He comes over and you should have seen him walking up the driveway! He has a mask over his face, gloves on his hands, a bottle of hand sanitizer, (for me) and a smile on his face. I hug him, and he kisses me with the mask held between us. It is so cute, and so sweet, and so lovely! I am smiling and laughing for the first time in several, several days. The mood is better in the house. I know each of us has gone through a "miserable" stage. It is where hope fades, smiles dwindle, laughter dies. We have all experienced this, and have all fought our way through it. We build off of each other you see, so we continually take turns being the "changer," the person who puts on a happy face so others will see it and find it contagious. (for the most part, it is the women who play this role) So, due to this effort, the household is brighter. We are getting out of the house. My mom and I got this to open mostly, though my dad of course plays a part too. (the driver after all!) The fresh air, and mixing with REAL, HEALTHY, PEOPLE makes a large difference too. For me, I got an entire weekend of fresh air, healthy company, and cough free surroundings. I spent it with Jon, hosting a birthday party, staying at his apartment for the first time, (WOW!) lounging around, laughing, smiling and all that. Since I got home this afternoon, I am the "changer," the pesron putting on a happy face, hoping its contagious, but this time.....its completely sincere. As my mom said, I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you know what? Even if it isn't there, I believe the collective belief that we THINK it is there is enough to improve moods, and in so doing, perhaps improve our overall healths. We hope!

The State Shift is contagious!

2009-02-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

And considering the last week, there are FAR WORSE things that can be contagious! It's annoying. This is so different from most of the illnesses I come down with. I am fine with colds. I don't get them very often. I am a very healthy person, but I handle them pretty well when I do come down with them. This is different. Everything aches. My head kills me. My body can't make up its mind about its temperature. (There is a jacket I carry around the house with me, taking it on and off all the friggin time) I have a terrible cough that is literally painful, (it nearly triggers my gag reflex) and merely standing up or sitting down, talking or laughing can make me start coughing. A good mood is hard to mantain during this. (as I am sure my entire family can attest to) I tried that yesterday. I took extra good care of myself. Taking vitamins, lots of hot tea, lot's of sleep, and keeping optimistic! I got sick anyway. I am still smiling, which is hard to do when this hurts as it does. It doesn't help, that the person I really want to see is kept from me due to this flu. Jon was over yesterday morning, and though it was a simple meeting, (perhaps our simplest yet, considering our exciting dates) it was one of my favorites. Just curled up on the couch, napping, whispering, tickling, giggling and laughing and teasing and kissing and embracing. I had the most trouble I've had so far getting him to leave for work. As I told him later, I wanted to latch onto him, pin him to the couch, and make him miss work. Sadly, I stayed responsible and pushed him towards his car. There was a true magic that morning, and leaving was made extra hard, because the next we'd see each other wasn't until Wednesday night. (Tonight) Then I came down with this thing. He wanted to come over anyway, but this thing is bad and its contagious. (Our family is a perfect example of that!) He has to go to work regardless of being sick or not, and I am protective of him. I didn't realize this in its full intensity until yesterday evening. I am protective of Jon, and I do not want him to suffer teaching his martial arts classes with this terrible flu on his shoulders. He has enough to deal with at work right now, and I do not want to add to it. So despite his offerings to bring a CPR mask, a protective suit, and create a padded and desensitized room, (can't spell that) I told him he shouldn't. He is respecting that boundary, and I am very appreciative. I think I dissppointed him, might even have hurt his feelings in the process by not letting him care for me, but I want to protect him if I can. And besides......when we see each other next, I'll try to make up for it with electric kisses! Anyway, its hard to stay optimistic when I can't see Jon, I am feeling icky, and I missed SAR tonight. (I didn't want to expose my team to this, and risk them all having the flu when a Search comes through.) So, in the same attempt that my mom made, I posting and filling out a Relationship meme. Here are my answers: How long have you been together? Coming up five weeks, but considering the things we've shared, it feels like it should be much longer. How long did you know each other before you started dating? Not long. We met each other online, but we did message each other for awhile first, a week so I believe. Who asked whom out? He found me and asked me out, which is unusual for me. I am used to asking the guy out. This was a nice change. How old are each of you? I am 18. He is 22. Whose siblings do you see the most? I am pretty certain it is mine, since I live with my family and we hang at my house alot. (He still gets nervous when my brothers wander in during a kiss!) Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? That is a hard one. We haven't found much where we stand on opposite view points. So far, the only thing that comes even close was this morning, where I said he shouldn't come over due to my being sick and that his job should come first. But that doesn't seem to fit.....so it would probably be paying for each other. For our dates, I think there is almost always a bit of nervousness concerning who pays for what. I occasionally pay, he frequently does. I really appreciate that he does, because I do not have a job, and therefore do not have a lot of money. What I do carry, is what my parents offer me. The only thing I want him to know, is that he needn't feel "obliged" or "required" to pay for me. I want him to know it truly IS his choice. Are you from the same home town? Not at all. He was born in Connecticut, and I was born in Indiana. Who is smarter? That truly depends upon the area to which we are referencing, but my first reaction would be to say him. Who is the most sensitive? Probably me, but I keep a lot of that sensitivity to myself. Where do you eat out most as a couple? So far, the only places I believe we have eaten more than once is Old Chicago and Jazzy Bagels. (Old Chicago is the only thing open past 11pm in Gresham OR, and Jazzy Bagels is almost my favorite place to eat.) Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? That would be Long Beach, where he took me on Valentines for one of the best days of my life. Who has the craziest exes? Neither of us has met the others ex's, so I don't think either of us could answer that. Who has the worst temper? That is a very hard question. I do not think we have seen each other's temper at all yet, so just as it was with the last question, without the use of comparison, I have no answer. Who does the cooking? He cooks. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I do not cook. (He is a fabulous cook though! But be wary of his rose water! :) ) Who is the neat-freak? I haven't seen his apartment yet, so I do not know, but seeing as I have yet to allow him inside MY room, I think the answer is going to end up being quite simple. (If I let him in my room, I fear he would not reemerge in one piece due to the mess!) Who is more stubborn? Likely me, but that jury is still out. Who hogs the bed? I hog the blankets...... Who wakes up earlier? He does in order to go to work. Where was your first date? Powell's bookstore, a day I will never forget. Who is more jealous? Probably him, but that is subject to change. (This boy has already made me feel things I haven't before, he has made me feel very protective, has made me miss him INTENSELY, makes it so I am almost always thinking about him......so who knows? Maybe making me jealous or possessive will come next....) How long did it take to get serious? I would say either one of two times, the day before I left for Snow Cabin, (a week into our relationship) or on Valentine's day. (I feel as if there is a third....let me think and let me get back to you....there were so many important and magical moments, it is hard to decide) Who eats more? I eat very little lately, and not just because of this flu. I don't know why. Who does the laundry? He does his. I do mine. Who is better with the computer? That entirely depends on what we are working on at the time. So, before I sign off, (I am freezing and beginning to shudder. I do that "whenever" I get cold. Grrr.) I do want to mention that Jon apparently has a plan for tonight. It is a secret plan, and the catch is......he says it is a plan that doesn't require his seeing me. Are you curious? I AM! (P.S. I think I am in a better mood. Can you tell? The State Shift strikes again!)

Random doodads (my favorite kind of doodad)

2009-02-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

I am feeling kind of smug. In SAR, my TL (Team Leader) has been sorta absent. At meetings, I do not know if he is there, because he and I don't cross paths. He hangs with his circle. I hang with mine. (He hangs with the older certifieds, the Advisors, and I hang with OUR team, Bravo) He is also almost never able to pick up the phone when I need to call him, so alot of responsibility falls to me. (grrrr) The reason I am feeling smug, is that for the first time in a good week or more, I heard from him tonight. He was calling to ask me to do something, (what a surprise!) and what was so cool? I'd already done it! It was a responsibility given to me last Wednesday for the meeting, and I'd already carried it out. (I am pretty punctual!) I surprised him too! Therefore, Nicole is feeling smug! On another note, Jon is doing something nobody outside of my family has really ever done. He has shown interest in my fictional writing. He asked to read something of mine, and I assumed it to be just him being kind to me. So I went along with it, finding him something VERY short so he wouldn't be intimidated or regret making his request. I gave him the flyleafs to my stories, which was followed by his interest in READING one. I still assumed he was just being nice, and continued to humor him. I gave him the link to the story of interest, (My Real Life Story, one based on myself and my friends and past) and assumed it would take him at least a week, since there were ten chapters. And of course, the boy surprises me again! In a single evening, he starts and finishes my story. WOW! I was shocked, and delighted. Jon does not know how happy it makes me that he's showing interest in my work. Even if he never read anything else by me, I would be content with what he already has. Tomorrow, I am leaving for the weekend. Jon is going with me. This will be the first chance I have had to introduce him to my friends. (I think he might be more nervous than I am, or at LEAST its tied!) I am nervous though. I mean, its not REAL important to me they like him. I like him, my family likes him, that's all that really matters. Though, I really hate to say it, I want to know what Cat thinks of him. I really don't like that it matters to me. I really don't, but it does. She won't have her boyfriend this weekend either, and though its hard for me to admit, I want to see how she feels in my situation. I am SO used to sleepovers and parties where she has her sweetheart, and I sit without one, getting to watch, instead, as she enjoys kisses, hugs, and quiet whispers. Now, she shall feel what its like in the opposite situation. I don't have negative feelings over this, merely curiosity. There is a slight.....hunger in me to see how this weekend goes, kinda starting with Cat. There have been complications with this party and me, which I will mention once I come back from the trip. (This is serving as a reminder for the forgetful Nicole) I am working on my room, and have donated a lot of stuff. I am proud, and I think my parents are too. I bet my mom is, since she has assisted in a large amount of it. I am glad I am finally making progress. Jon has yet to see my room, and that is for multiple reasons, one of the main ones being I don't think he would reemerge from it. Another, is that I believe the room makes me look a little young to a 22 year old. Anyway, I am working on it. I wanted to make changes anyway, this just adds to the inspiration. We shall see. I am off now. I am talking to Jon, (my cutie) and going to eat a Wendy's frostie. (good combination yes?) And need to pack for my trip. Wish me fun! And I'll wish it to you.

4 weeks to the day

2009-02-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today, at the noon hour, time marked an exact month since my boyfriend and I met for the first time. It was at Powell's, January 20th, in the cafe. I still remember sitting down, and unlike the other dates I'd met there, how Jon surprised me by being NOT on time, but EARLY! I was shocked and so pleased! I recall him striding over, looking confident, while smothering a bundle of quivering nerves. (I probably looked quite similar! I know I was trying in vain to keep my hands from trembling.) A month ago, I feel like it has to have been longer. If someone had told me, (whether it was someone I trust or a stranger) on that morning, that a month later, I would be kissing, trusting and napping with this man, I wouldn't have believed them for a minute. It's not that I couldn't imagine doing these things, or doing them with this guy. It was that I couldn't imagine growing that close to someone in 4 WEEKS! All my friendships, all my romantic relationships, all my close, reliable professional connections, they all took a LONG time to establish and mantain. I have trusted very few, and those I have, took at least two years. The idea that I would even "consider" trusting someone in less than one year still surprises me, and would have shocked me, had I been told I would do it in 4 weeks! It is a good surprise of course, as many surprises Jon has given me have been. (I think all, if I am recalling correctly) One month, for what he and I have, it feels as if it should have been longer. Today, we didn't see each other, (not since early this morning anyway) but that was alright. We texted most of the day, told each other how we missed each other and briefly spoke of our first date at Powell's. Today was a wonderful day for us both. It seemed as if the very weather reflected our good moods, the warmth we were feeling and somehow sharing, even from across town. It was his pay day. He had a lovely time at work. He was getting off early and could relax at home. I didn't have any SAR duties, or anywhere to go. I had no homework this month, so lounged around instead. I took a nap on the deck with my youngest brother, (in the sunshine, while texting Jon) and went shopping with my mom at an Office Supply store. (we adore doing that!) In the evening, we ate dinner and watched movies as a family, (while I IMed with Jon) and I worked on my writing. There was peace in everything, a certain element of quiet surrounded by a layer of whispering energy. He felt it. I felt it. I bet my family noticed it. It has been a good day, a good 4 weeks, and I have a certain sense the next ones will be grand and wonderful and quietly energized as well. We can hope!

Stupidity

2009-02-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

And no, I am not talking about my new boyfriend, Jon. I am talking about a party. One I heard about a week ago, taking place at the coast. A friend of mine is torn. (I am not going. It is not my group of friends) Last night, the host called everyone to inform them that drinking would be part of the party. My friend is not of age, and neither are most of the people attending that party. What should she do? She is feeling torn. If something were to happen, even on the SMALLEST, tiniest chance, were something to happen and they got caught, it would go on her record. Things she loves to do, activities she is involved in, her "passions" would be endangered were "minor drinking" to go on her record. If she doesn't attend, the image her friends have of her is reinforced. The image that she doesn't take risks, she isn't wild, she's a "goody-two-shoes." I know her well, and have spoken to her on this several times. I know she hates this image, but because she is responsible and does the "right" thing, the image is impossible to remove or discard. What do I tell her? I tell her she is doing the right thing, but most of the parties her friends host having problems like these. Smoking, drinking, so on. They endanger her passions, but in order to protect them and herself, she misses out on everything her friends do. What is the correct thing to do? What can I tell her that makes her happy? Any and all advice for her is welcome.

Fate likes to screw with people

2009-02-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

Another long absence, I can see your eyes rolling, although....if you think about it, you all should have grown used to this by now! I have no good excuses for the long wait. I could say Search and Rescue has become incredibly active, which would be true. All fall, all winter, no activity. Lack of searches. Quiet. One month ago, BOOOOOOOM! They are everywhere. One week ago or so, I had a call (Search) everyday for a week straight. Boy! That was exhausting. One after another. Three days, I spent working the Corbet case. (Missing guy, injured wife, Jerry Stomps? You probably heard about it) LONG WEEK. This is all true. SAR has kept me hopping for a month now, a week of which I spent on Mt. Hood, skiing with friends. (great trip. Will post on it later. I have a "different" priority to talk about tonight!) The Searches caused a lot of chaos for me. I left town for the Mountains and a Snow Cabin there, which kept me from some Searches. I had babysitting and housecleaning gigs that I had to miss and reschedule. They kept me from my family, sometimes owning me for an entire weekend, and frequently interrupting family meals, so I had to do a Callout for my team. However, these weren't the only things compromised due to the pickup of SAR. What else did they do? Interfere with my dates. Yes, readers, dates. You read right. Dates. Me. All with one guy too. Thoroughly confused now? Good. Because the entire story on this is coming up. His name is Jon. Two days from now, it will be exactly a month since we shared our first date. He found ME, asked ME out, HE planned our date, and HE called me first. (how cool is that? It's so opposite to what I am used to!) He is my boyfriend. It was made official back in the end of January, right before I left for the Snow Cabin trip. The day before we left, we spent it in a park. It had snowed that morning. We wandered, hand-in-hand, watching each other in the falling white. He is all that I've wanted. The good boy hidden behind all the idiots. The hottie that I kept fighting to find, and kept skipping beyond my range of sight. When I got back from the trip, a rose and poem awaited me. He texts me if we don't talk in 8 hours, worrying he did something wrong. He plans many of our dates, and was shocked when I planned one. (In my experience, I've ALWAYS had to plan the dates) He has a job. He has a car. He has a steady income. He lives on his own and has for several years. I am not his first girlfriend. (I love this! All my other boyfriends, I was their first girlfriend. Jon has experience!) He teases me. He laughs. He shows an actual interest in what I have written. (He asked to read something of mine, and ended up reading a story over 30 pages in one sitting!) He is a martial arts instructor and a blackbelt. He is a sweetheart, kind, gentle, and optimistic. He amazes me constantly. He loves my work, (Search and Rescue) and constantly compliments me on it. He never misses a chance to notice my outfit, and tells me he adores my laugh. (I tell him I love his ears and wrists....and he doesn't understand that. Hmmmm) I have kept Jon my sweet secret. The entire Snow Cabin trip with "friends," for an entire month, from SAR people. Until two days ago, he has remained thus. I felt no need to tell anybody, especially my friends. They didn't need to know, so why tell them? I knew that no matter what form I told them the news in, whatever their reaction was, I would be dissapointed. Besides, I could easily guess what most of their reactions would be. It made me smile inside, knowing I held this little secret, which seemed to grow sweeter the longer I held it. When I finally let it slip through a Facebook Status post, (stating I had a boyfriend) I got two calls within two days. One was from my frizzy haired friend, who showed no interest. She asked two questions about him, and then was off to another topic. Just like that! BOOM. Done. Then....Cat called. She hadn't heard. Hadn't seen my Myspace. I told her anyway, since she asked about my Valentines day and what I did. (during which I took the phone away from my mouth, laughed silently, but very hard, then brought it back and responded calmly!) My valentines day surpases hers by far! Her reaction surprised me. She told me how happy she was for me, how long she'd waited for this. At first, it was silence, but then came the hurt. I knew she would be, hurt that I hadn't told her. But why would I? She and I share no communication, no connection, no bond. (Whatever we had, faded. Yes, we've been doing better recently, which will be another post, but I still felt no need to tell her. A desire too? Yes. I frequently am compelled to tell her things, as we used to do as best friends, but I let that fade) She told me she was happy for me, so glad I had found what I had. I felt mixed emotions about her response. I was surprised. I was pleased. I felt a slight pressure. I....hurt inside. I can't explain it, but I did. A deep, aching hurt. I've felt that for her for a long time, but Jon has made it easier to handle. When I lost the SG-1 group, Cat was there to help me, stand by me, so I wouldn't be alone. When I lost her, I fell back into my family, but THAT was the end of any social support I had. For the longest time, (over a year) I made do with SAR and my family, which was enough for the most part. My mom is my best friend, but the ache of Cat never left, hardly dulled, and almost always nagging. With Jon's appearence, it lessened. It's an occasionaly ache now, easy to handle, simple, soft. He's made my life so different. My time and attention is far more focused on him than I would have expected it to be. The same things that SAR interfered with, Jon is now doing. I don't mind it for the most part. He is a priority for me. I do feel guilty for how it takes me from my family, my best friend/mom. They seem to understand, though the guilt is still there. I am thankful for him. So very thankful. I looked and looked and looked, and fought my way through a river of idiots, and now I have found a boy...scratch that, a MAN, who makes up for them all. And just you wait. Wait until I tell you about Valentine's day!

Randomness

2009-01-02T02:12:00.001-08:00

Alright, I wanted to make a third blog tonight, so this is my random 2:AM blog. Are you excited? I am. I just finished an exceptional book called the Tomb, by F.Paul Wilson. My family has wanted me to read it for three months. (no kidding. They've been NAGGING, and they are good at that!) So I read it this month. Finished it tonight. It was a delicious read. I highly recommend it. (I plan to start book two this month....and hopefully it won't take 3 of them to finish it!) My room is a pit. A pig sty. Whatever you want to call it. Half the floor is invisible. I feel cramped in here. Guess it's time to donate to Goodwill. I would love to turn this place into an office, like my mom's. Her's has knicknak's, but doesn't look cluttered like mine does. What is her secret anyway? Had guests over tonight. Susie, Randy and their son Jake. It was a very pleasent evening. Good dinner. Saw a new movie, Eagle Eye. Very, very good and very well done. Had good cookies that Susie made, butterscotch over pretzels. Later, after they left, my family had a fantastic time merely lounging on the couch and reading together. It was lovely. I wrote an article today about volunteering. It's for teens. Perhaps I shall post it here tomorrow and see if I can get some opinions on it. (It was an assignment from my mother) Feel free to keep an eye out for it tomorrow. No boys in my life yet. Just annoyances who call themselves men. Homework is done for the month. That makes me happy. Two christmas stories I was writing that I didn't finish. The receivers of them are probably getting impatient. Hell, I'm getting impatient. I should finish those.... Okay. Tired now. Randomness done! Here's to my first dream of the New Year! (I start using a new dream journal tonight) I look forward to what places and people shall greet me in this world of my own imagination and creation. It surely shall be a peaceful and beautiful place, for that is what I wish and hope for. I wish for you the same, and hope your New Year is full of soft and gentle promise.

New Year's

2009-01-02T02:01:00.000-08:00

Well, 2009 is upon us. We have left behind 08, and have moved on into a new year. Does anybody else feel like the year flew by? Where did the 12 months go? Did I step into a time machine and miss something? (If so, I wish I had been informed so I could have had a little fun.) I had a quiet, peaceful New Year's. There was the possibility I would be at a friend's party up in St. Helen's, but my parents came to my rescue for that. I was going to go mostly for their sake. Both my brothers were going to be away at a Gaming LockDown activity, and my parents had never really had New Year's just them before. I wanted them to have that oppertunity. So I arranged to go to the party. Then two things happened. 1 Mom didn't want me to go. 2 SAR intervened. Search and Rescue called on New Year's Eve and said we'd been called in to assist with an Evacuation. They have us 30 minutes notice. 30 MINUTES!!! That does NOT count as notice! I had to pack my backpack (which had been strewn across my room due to my using the gear for the snow we've been having) with one hand, since I was calling out my Team with the other hand. (Challenging! And I nearly didn't make it) It was not a fun evacuation either. I tried to convey to my team that it wasn't going to be nearly as exciting as they were thinking, and I was right. We spent the next 24 hours (YES, 24 HOURS!) Sitting in a van at an intersection, making sure no one went in. How much did that suck? A LOT. We had to sleep in shifts, and I had someone sitting next to me who kept babbling. I couldn't sleep. I tried and tried and TRIED to convey to her that I was sleepy and wanted to pass out for a little while. She wouldn't let me. Finally, I just told her I was going to lay down in the back seat for a bit. She let me. It was one of the most boring things I've ever experienced. Staring out the windshield, so bored, so bored, so very bored.......... Breakfast was going to our bit of relief. At 6:30 AM. We thought we'd get a break, but we were WRONG. The food was brought to us so we wouldn't have to leave. They were small one inch sandwiches. (One inch! I mean it!) And were not satisfying. There was no other goal of relief after that, because the ending time was unknown. So we waited. And waited. And friggin waited some more. That evening, we got to go home. I wanted to thank the stars for that! Just as I wanted to hug my parents all evening long that I didn't have to go to the party. They'd called and canceled for me. They both told me, after they picked me up and we were heading home, and they wanted me at the house, together, tonight. I felt good hearing that, and told them in the most true way that I could, just how much I'd wanted the same thing. I was so thankful that night, as we sat watching movies, talking, eating chips and then cookies. It was peaceful and very nice. Exactly how I wanted to spend it. Though a date with a hot guy earlier that day would have been nice......(I still wanted the evening with my family, but a hot guy EARLIER would have been good....good indeed...yum.)

MEN!

2009-01-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I wish I was typing that word in excitement, happiness and love! Instead out of the frustration that I DID type it in. I have been in contact with several different guys online. Several days ago, I finally went out and met one. His name was Kris. Nice guy. Not that bad looking. Friendly. Held up conversation pretty well and had a good sense of humor. We had a good first date. Then we went on a second one the next day, and I realized something. On the way to my date, I'd talked with my mom about a man she'd met once and how nice he was. He'd been good looking, friendly, had a good sense of humor, everything Kris did, but there just wasn't any "click" with him for her. There was no romantic draw. As I was waiting for Kris, I was looking at the guys walking by and kept thinking "he's cute" over and over again, which is normal right? Then Kris sat down, and that thought didn't come. Later, sitting with him and eating pizza (you know how much I love pizza!) I realized mid conversation, that I just wasn't romantically drawn to this guy. He was fine looking, and had all the advantages a good date should have. (He even paid for my meal) But I just didn't have that "click." Feeling dissappointed, I went home. I discovered I'd FINALLY gotten an email back from the other guy I'd been talking to. (He was Italian and GORGEOUS) I was very excited, but as I read the actual message, my smile turned into a frown, into a gasp, into speechlessness, into shock. It was a sexually explicit email, to put it lightly. (And that IS putting it lightly) I immediatly requested that he not message me again, and as my family all read the email, I watched their faces go through the same motions. (funny sight....) So, feeling rather depressed again, I am about to leave my computer, when Murphy decides to screw with me. I've gotten an email from Kris, asking if we can meet again. I then go through the motions of explaining why I am not interested. By the end of all this, I just want to cry. Those thoughts start going through my head that every girl hears, "I AM NEVER GOING TO FIND A MAN. I AM ALWAYS GOING TO BE ALONE." Which I know isn't true, I really do. I will find a man. I will fall in love, but right now, this is just so frustrating. The New Year came and went, and I was kissless beneath the mistletoe. (not that we own any, so I am referring to the metephorical mistletoe) The romantic night of the year, and I was dateless. What shall a man happen by me? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLO MAN! I AM WAITING AND GETTING DAMNED IMPATIENT. FIND ME ALREADY! (Apologies for the caps)

Wonderful and otherwise

2008-12-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

I can say for certain that I have had a glorious holiday. Christmas Eve was spent with my sister and her brother in law. We all had dinner and exchanged gifts. It's was very pleasent, a fact for which my entire family was thrilled for. It was a lovely evening, followed by the opening of our stockings at home, just the family. I got a box of tea, which may not seem too exciting to you readers, but was an absolute excitement and relief to me. I am a lover of tea, iced and hot, and most terribly, we'd recently run out. (This was due to the snow fall that had snowed us in and kept us from grocery shopping. Good thing we didn't starve!) So, therefore, the tea was incredibly exciting to me! The next morning, we opened our official Christmas gifts. Now, I know my parents both felt guilty that we were a little tight with finances this year, but I really feel it put a new spin on the holiday. The gifts they got us seemed to have special thought put into them and seemed to fit their receivers perfectly. I got the newest book by my second favorite author, Amelia Atwater-rhodes. (My first favorite is Tamra Orr. She's a pretty good writer. You might want to check her out.) I got more tea. (WHOOPHEE. GOOD DAY!) I got an upgrade on my phone. (It's a new TEXTING phone, where it opens up and has a little keyboard. I am STILL thanking my parents for it, I am so excited.) My main gift was one I am still grinning about, and that is a digital camera. I don't think I've ever gotten a more SURPRISING present, or more fitting. I'd wanted one for the purpose of going downtown and taking pictures of exotically dressed people, and collect them on a public website. My parents had noted this interest, and invested in it! I am still grinning! Wonderful holidays. A quiet Christmas day. My mom isn't work from now until the early days of January. This thrills my family. Another blog entry will come this evening, covering the situations I've recently gone through with my romantic life. Are you interested to hear those catastrophies? Stay tuned.

2008-12-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I saw that everybody else was doing it, so therefore I was a little loath to do it as well (teenager rebellion and all that) but here I am! Let's see what I can pull out of my hat here. 1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags are nice for when you're driving to a birthday party and you need to do the job really fast. However, personally I really enjoy wrapping gifts to put under the tree, or just wrapping in general. (No matter how bad I might do it...) 2. Real tree or Artificial? I adore having a real one because of the scent that drifts throughout the house. Even when I am older and its just my husband and I, I would prefer to continue getting a real tree, however, I really won't know that till I get there will I? 3. When do you put up the tree? Usually several days before Christmas day.....like the 20th or so? 5. Do you like eggnog? Haven't had it before. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? Christmas gift or gift in general? Celtic Thunder tickets! 7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad. Period. (All he asks for are cars and socks. What do you do with a man like that?) 9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope, but if we did, we'd probably amuse ourselves with arranging them in ways that would be....less than correct. 10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I think mail is so much more exciting. We get HUGE amounts of email all the time, and I personally fear that snail-mail will die out, so I want to use it as much as I can now. 11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Porn gifts. 12. Favorite Christmas Movie? That animated movie of Chris Kringle going from being a child to an adult. (I watch it every year, and each year I forget the title.....I'm getting old already) 13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Right about now I start watching for the right knick-knacks for the right knick-knacky people and I also start crocheting gifts. 14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Of course. 15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Either hot chocolate (wait, that's a drink isn't it?) or pumpkin pie. (Wrong holiday? Hmmmmm) 16. What decorations are on your tree? Ones traveling all the way back to my childhood and my parents. (HA. It's a family tree!) 17. Favorite Christmas song? God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and Silver Bells, because I got to sing that in choir with my mom and I associate it with her. 18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? HOME. 19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Maybe if there was a sweet wine around? Or a meed? 20. Angel on top of tree or star? We have a santa. 21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Stockings on Christmas Eve and rest on Christmas morning. 22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The christmas songs get really OLD. 23 What theme or color are you using when you decorate? That is an unknown word and does not compute. 24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Get back to me on this one. I can't remember. 25. What do you want for Christmas this year? My parents smiling and in humorous moods. My brothers getting along perfectly and laughing together. Our two pets gifting us with their presence, and a quiet day just for the family where no one intrudes.

I went to a concert

2008-12-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

It is a piece of well-known knowledge that I’ve attended many stage performances, stood witness (or rather, sat) to the whirl of costume color, to the entangling of enamoring verbal enchantments, to the rising and riveting dance that is the tongue’s best work. I have been faced with such numerous wonders that they blend and blur in my attempts to recall them, only those that adopted unique beauties or incurred otherwise mental awe, have remained fresh in my mind. This law has stayed true throughout my many years as both a student and a lover to theatre and musical performance. Recently, an exception walked up to me and offered me a boisterous basket of maniacal laughter. It was as if god had come down from his divine throne and upon seeing humanities vast overstatements of his identity and abilities, had chuckled and then rolled his eyes towards the very heavens that he ruled. I attended a concert that took all of my previous opinions and views concerning musical performance, and threw them out the nearest window to be destroyed by the first pair of tires that happened by. This concert subjected me to the same feelings that one experiences with a lover or wedded partner. While my bare arms felt freezing, my chest and back were on fire. My legs tingled and quivered; sensations that zipped and zapped over my flesh with exhausting consistency. As I told my mother, who accompanied me, Celtic Thunder was an event that my entire body participated in. With each escalated musical note, I would rise up in my seat, as if the singer’s very voice was racing through my veins and obtaining control of my usually quite normal reactions. With every drawn out lyric, all my muscles would stiffen, as if in the belief that if they drew themselves in very tight, they could hang onto and retain the glorious music that was momentarily gracing them. My voice, too, was deeply affected by this surprisingly intense affair. Each time I received a whispered comment from my mother, my response was tinged with emotion, with awe, with appreciation, with lust. If I tried to think, to conjure the writers-inspiration that usually came into play of its own accord, only silence would answer me. My brain had lost its activity, and as I fell into the very unfamiliar mode of auto-pilot, I found myself submitting to one of the sweetest experiences my body and mind had ever known. Considering the bounty of concerts and plays I have seen, I have long grown accustomed to the noises and the general racket that people express in response to such a fantastic scene. Screams of excitement as a particular hottie appears on stage, appreciative applause as a lover’s words are offered to his current fancy, sharp intakes of breath as said hottie tosses his hair or offers the audience a winsome smile. I myself have partaken in such verbal displays of happiness and exhilaration. I have screamed my throat raw and clapped my hands until they are two lumps of useless flesh. At Celtic Thunder, my palms were useless before intermission offered me its respite. I sharply inhaled in such large amounts and with such frequency, that I was left breathless. I screamed every time my favored singer possessed the stage, and as Ryan Kelly opened his mouth, all thoughts and control of my body would forsake me. 99.99% of the time, my exclamations would fall among many other female declarations, one yelp among others made by lust filled girls. Typically, this would be how all my screams were expressed, but as with various other things, Celtic Thunder was the exception to the rule. It was done on pure instinct and in the absence of any forethought. As Ryan Kelly stepped upon the stage, my lips parted and I joined the other calls that always preceded his songs. It wasn’t until halfway through Heartbreaker, that the gorgeous singer expressed a particular pair of lyrics, that it happened. I screamed. All by myself. Right in the middle of the song. My reaction to this embarrassing moment was to bury my head in my mother’s shoulder. Even over the continuing music, I am sure she heard my mumblings, “I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I did that.” And as I suspected, the woman has yet to let me live down my sudden expression of adoration for Ryan Kelly. She has taken great amusement in spinning the tale for the family, as well as to the friends that will listen. In fact, I imagine this bemusing incident will likely form itself into a story that will endure countless years! In consideration, I’ve seen Celtic Thunder’s performance on Youtube numerous times and on TV twice. Their CD’s have grown so familiar to us that their lyrics have become engraved on our memory. The difference between those productions of the screen, and the performances of the stage, is the thought that they are so close. During the play, I gazed, gaped and shivered with pleasure that I was in such close proximity to them. This distinction will change how I experience their recorded voices, because every time I see their faces and revel in their singing, I will think, “I saw them. I was close to them. I saw their faces with my own eyes, heard them sing. I was in the same room with them. I was there.” And this is engraved on my memory now too, an etching that can’t be removed. Celtic Thunder stole my ability to speak. During the intermission, conversation was nearly impossible, due to the fact that every time my lips parted, nonsense poured out. I would try to articulate my praise for the performance, but couldn’t force my brain to resume its activity and my words into coherency. The result of my repeated attempts was what my mother and I called “splutter.” This meaningless verbal chatter continued throughout the concerts duration and into the hour following its conclusion. As we attempted to wind a less than genius pattern through the crowds towards the merchandise table, my language had yet to recover. I babbled my thanks for the incredibly spendy, yet most awesome, keychain that my mother fought to buy me. (Fighting against the crowd that is!) In retrospect, I truly hope I conveyed to my mother how fantastic and incredible a birthday present this was. I do not know if my mom comprehended the appreciation among the rest of my spluttering. I imagine she did, since it seems the woman operates on the same level of intelligence that I do. I hope she did, but if the message was somehow lost in her best translations of my prattling, I hope this report conveys it, for never before have I received a more appropriate and wonderful gift, and that she could accompany me for it was a bonus of the most potent brilliancy.

Head hurts

2008-11-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

I am getting real tired of headaches. I don't mention them much, because I know my parents, (especially dad gets tired of hearing it) therefore I won't speak of it here for very long. They're daily now, and I don't understand why. Sure, it's NaNo month, so that means a lot of time in front of the computer, but this month I'm not in front of it anymore than I typically am. Why is November so different? I want them to go away now! Off with the head of my complaining though. Onto other things. I had a really good SAR Outing last weekend. It went fantastically well, and I even stood up to Mr. B. You know how I told you they lost my reference letter? Well, since this man had just yelled at me for doing something that didn't need to be done, (a message I had no way of receiving) I decided to give him a little hell too. I asked one more time if he had any idea where that letter went. He said no. I just wanted to check, I tell him. Well, I have no idea, he says. (NO I AM SORRIES!) So I turn towards the door and say..... DRUM ROLL! "Thanks....for nothing." It felt so damned powerful to say that to him. I felt so confident, so good, so...what is the word for it? Nifty? Not sure, but I felt damned good, like I'd lifted myself up to another level, and now I didn't feel the inferior to Mr. B. I'd risen to his level and spit his kind of words right back in his face, and boy, did he deserve them! That was a damned good moment! Off I go now. I have a NaNo write-in in downtown Portland today. Wish me luck! (Update: Wordcount is 39k!)

A great, grand and glorious birthday

2008-11-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

I had a fantastic bday today. I went and got a massage at 11Am. (which was amusing since I was born today, on 11-11) It was lovely. Hamid is such a peaceful man. And when I got out of the massage, everything felt to have slowed down. It was so nice. It seemed things had taken on a slower beat. For the last two days, I feel I've hit the "wall" which week two of nano contains for all writers. I didn't want to move forward. I had no inspiration. Although the massage did not boost me right back into the writerly flow, it did get the wheels turning again. The massage was glorious, and gave me such a feeling of peace and being happy with whatever people wanted to do or proposed. (kinda like drugs huh? Massages are probably a better route...) Went to Borders with the parents, where mom got me two CD's, the new Enya Christmas CD and the new CD by the American Idol singer, David Archuleta. (however the hell you spell that) She offered to buy me manga (WOW!) but sadly, there weren't any I wanted particularly. (sigh, my one chance....hehehe) For lunch, we drove all the way into downtown Portland to eat at the Pita Pit. It was delicious, as always. (Long trip for lunch. I was sure appreciative of my parents for doing it, although I was thankful for a lot of things today! A lot!) A friend came over for the boys tonight, but it was up to me whether to have them over or not since it was my bday. I said yes, but mom felt bad, so she invited me to a movie with her to make up for it. (that is such a kind hearted woman, that best friend of mine) She and I had a perfect time of course, laughing, giggling, mooning over the preview for the new Hugh Jackman movie, Australia. (we can't wait to see it together! Of course, not to mention that "other" movie he's starring in. I'll say more about that later.....maybe) We got goodies to share we don't usually get when the rest of the family is around. We whispered to each other throughout the movie, laughed at how I kept thinking the movie was called Pushing Daisies, rather than the Secret Life of Bees. (It was an odd mistake, but one we found thuroughly hilarious) Tonight, as requested, mom made her special casserol the boys and I love so much. It was of course fantastic, for she always makes it just right! (And there are leftovers too! I am so excited!) We had ice cream and a cake that Susan made for us. (that lovely woman made it when she had only about 24 hours notice. My family loves her!) I was sung to for the second time that day, and then dad and mom both sang their special version of happy birthday. (which I would have requested, had they not, for its important to me that I hear it) and then made a wish. I won't post it here though, so there! I spent the last couple hours of the evening, sitting in-between my parents upstairs on their bed, while they read and I wrote. (I haven't added anything to my NaNo all day) and guess what? The wall has fallen. I don't know if I am doing with the "wall" for week two. I hope so, but regardless, I am moving again. I dished out 2k, bringing me to a beautiful 29k to date! How's that for awesome? I don't know what did it, maybe the love of my family, of how much they gave me today in love, presents and more love. Perhaps it was the power in our families bonds, in the "I love you,'s" that are such an important part of my life, our lives. Regardless, I had a wonderful birthday together. I adored it. I adore my family. I adore me. I adore my mom, who is my best friend. I adore this life laid before me and all those who are walking my path with me. Blessings be to them who share it with me, and please bless they continue to walk with me forever, in life, in love, in bliss.

Wahoo!

2008-11-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Today is my birthday people's! And I am being given some of the most wonderful gifts ever. I got up this morning, (a mere 30 minutes ago) and came down to my family gathered round the table, an oddity for this early in the morning. (Even if it is 10AM already!) Sitting on the table, was a pink box and a large birthday card. After singing to me, (which sounded pretty damn good actually) I opened them. The card was a gorgeous goddess one, the kind I love to collect. The box held a statue of a girl, with the number 18 on it. It's part of a line I used to get when I was younger and lived in Indiana. This one is so beautiful. When I placed it with my other ones, I glanced between the number 18, and the number 10, which is the highest one I had before today. 8 years. 8 wonderful years have passed. I am so very looking forward to the ones coming. My mom got her and I tickets to Celtic Friggin Thunder! I could nearly have bounced with joy when she told me. (I believe I did!) And I also have two gifts coming in the mail in the next or so. I am so loved! (my mom says anyone who knows me does....she is one kind hearted best friend-oh-mine) Off to my message now, back later (P.s. Let's see how much NaNo Writing I DON'T get done today! :)

It's late

2008-11-11T00:30:00.001-08:00

It's late and I can hear my dad turning on the house alarm system. I am tired. It has been a long, yet wonderful, day. Tomorrow is a big day, a wonderful one as well, and I would like to be fully coherent for it! My mom (no surprise!) was the first to tell me happy bday. She was upstairs, saw the clock, ran downstairs to tell me. (she literally slid into the room and shouted it with her arms thrown wide!) Dad was next, whispering it in my ear as he headed to bed. The boys shouted it from down the hall I believe. (or maybe it was something about WOW....who knows?) I got a text message from Amelia, telling me happy early bday. I got a postcard from a staffer at NBTSC today, saying it as well. (his name is Nathan L) In the last week, I have received two paintings from two friends who live on the opposite coast. They are gorgeous bday gifts, and I will try to post pics of them later. I got two bday cards from the two who sent me paintings. I got four people saying happy birthday via Facebook. (surprisingly, nothing from MySpace yet...) My babysitthing job, (the mom, Tracy) sent me an email telling me it. I got a card from an Indiana friend, named Elsie. (she is one of the kindest women in the world. I thought so as a child, and I think so now) I have gotten wonderful people giving me the wonderful congratulations. I am wonderfully happy, and feel a strange "at peace" sensation, that is also mixed with a strong desire for freedom and adventure. The world is open to me, as is a new chapter of my life. A new chapter I am thrilled to start living, regardless of the page's layout or the genre, for after all, I am the author. Goodnight to all, happy birthday to me, best dreams to you readers, (I wonder what I shall dream tonight?)

Simple Pleasures

2008-11-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago, I had my first sleepover away from home I've had since February. Sure, I've gone with SAR and slept out in the wilderness. Yes, of course I went to NBTSC and slept in cabins, but those are not the same. Oh, it had been ages too, since I had stayed up late at night laughing and giggling. Outside my family, I no longer trust anyone enough to do that. You know what I'm talking about readers! That giggly, smirking self of yours that only reveals itself late at night? It makes you look foolish and less mature than you actually are, and therefore only the ones we trust most ever see it. The last person who saw mine was in February, at my last sleepover with Mimi. After that, I felt there was no one who needed to see it anymore. That trust was gone. Then two nights ago, I consented to going and staying overnight at Dimitri's house. It was a grand experience! He and I get along reasonablly well, and yet.....come nightfall and the hours that followed midnight, we were both giggling and smirking and looking like children who shouldn't be up after their bedtimes! I hadn't meant to let go like that, to release that part of my self no friend had seen since February, but it came pouring out all the same. He was my ex-boyfriend. We saw each other maybe once a month at best. Conversation when we DID meet was often awkward and we frequently ran out of topics to discuss. Why, oh why then, did the hours after midnight mean such a difference? But it was wonderful indeed. I found very quickly just how much I'd missed it, that feeling of hushed giggles at midnight, and I truly felt also, that I was seeing a part of him he typically didn't reveal to "anyone" else. I know none of my (past) friends could ever get that out of him. I don't believe he ever trusted any of them. I feel special in this way, which I know he would confirm. He complimented me easily and fluidly that night too, compliments that made me feel warm and fuzzy. He and I share interests that most others never distract themselves with. We are both a lover of the old ways, the old believes, the old way of doing things. We've both experiemented in the learning of archery, horseback riding, and Medieval Education. When I went over two days ago, he and I sparred with wooden swords. How many other people would have enjoyed that as intensely as we did? He possesses his own armory, just as I do, full of wooden staffs, swords, daggers, boffers, widdling knives, and in his case, a bow and arrow. (I wish I owned one..., but gods are they spendy!) He dresses up just as often as I do, though I have more variety. (he wears only black, period, therefore when I saw him put on a yellow shirt to go and referee a soccer game, I was shocked!) The reason he invited me up there (among others, I am sure) was to attend a ritual hosted by his Coven. (Not all those who are members of it are Wicca, though a majority are.) I'd been interested in attending one for many months, and I found immediatly that it was wonderful. I walked in, and everyone was dressed in old fashioned garments, gowns and skirts, tunics and breeches, hair all done up and fancified. I felt right at home, (although I did feel underdressed in my simple brown tunic and breeches. ME! Underdressed!) It takes at least two hours to get from my house to Dimitri's by the Trimet system. That is over four hours in transportation. That is just too much in order to be a member of the Coven, though I did adore it. (Kendell, the leader of it, especially. She adored my tunic!) I must find my own Coven. Anyway, among the last of my Simple Pleasures, is the fact that last night when I informed my mom I was attending a NaNoWriMo write in today, she offered to go with me! How cool is that!? She and I are going to leave in just a bit for Chance of Rain on Hawthorn, where we'll write for a couple hours, laugh, snicker, giggle, and so on, because us two friends don't have to wait until after midnight to expose that side of us. It's natural for us regardless of time and place.

Bastard Searches

2008-11-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

That's what I attended a couple days ago. Now, it's alright that you readers don't what it means. I didn't either, and I've been in SAR for over 12 months now, so I should know this kind of thing. On Monday, I think it was, my pager goes off. I call a number, get the message for the Search that just came through, call my TL (team leader) find out it is my job to do callouts, and start calling Team Bravo. (Gasp. Gosh, that is a long line of steps before the team hears from me!.....) This is the first Search the new Recruits are being invited to particpate in. However, since the call came in during morning hours of a weekday, 90 percent of them are still in school, and a good part of that 10 percent are in college or at work. Showing up to the office an hour after the call, (which I've spent calling people, leaving messages, getting dresses, gathering my gear, packing my backpack, charging my cell phone, and getting lunch) I see that 15 people are present. Most of them are from the Reserves team, (which are all Certifieds, no Recruits) and there is no one from Alpha Team. Two members of Delta are present and three members of Bravo. (MY TEAM! Booyah!) Jake, (one of the Certifed members) tells us once we are packed, that we were just informed this is a "bastard search." Now, all of us, (a mix of Certieds, TL's, ATL's and Recruits) send around a confused look, and then return to getting ready to go. A few minutes later, Jake returns and asks why we are still here. Finally, he laughs and apologizes. Then he explains that "bastard search" means a search called off. Canceled. Done. Person found. No need for a team. GO HOME! So we did. But I have to say, going to the Office was worth it. I wouldn't usually say this, but it really was. When I arrived, I was immediatly called on for my opinion by a person who usually does give me second glances. His name is Koree, and he is the TL for Delta Team. (He got certified the same year as me) He suddenly wants my opinion and assistance. Feeling important to a foolish amount, I jump in to supply my help. It goes like that for the rest of the hour we prepare. (befor we are told the "term" we don't recognize, of course!) I also talk to Nick (a member of my team) and am taught the skills I need to hook up a trailer to a truck, which is essentail for when we leave for a Search. (Nick is the QM--QuarterMaster, and that is his job, but sometimes he is not there, and someone else will need to know, so why not me?) Feeling very accomplished, I went home content about going. Last night, I went to my SAR meeting, and had another fantastic time. Me and my TL, (Brent) seemed on the same page the entire evening. We even had a conversation that did not concern SAR or our Team. (it was about his college classes, but that didn't matter. Just that were having a conversation, that was what was important) Also, when Tay (one of the lead Certifieds, called an Advisor) asked the crowd of certifieds and Recruits, who HAD and HAD NOT gotten the callout for the Search on Monday, I believe everyone on my Team Bravo kept their hands down, saying they HAD gotten the call. The other teams had several people raising hands. This meant I had been on top of my job, and performed it perfectly. May I say booyah again! Now I better go. Parents are calling me so we can go to Powell's bookstore, but I still want to talk about the Reference letter I gave into SAR a month ago, which they have forgotten and now lost. Want to hear the irritating details?

NaNoWriMo update

2008-11-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

I am excited with how well I am doing this time round. This is my third year, my fourth novel. (One year I wrote two novels instead of one, hitting 100k rather than 50. I can see that crazy look on your face. I know, it was crazy!) I am at 18k now. (For future reference for anyone who doesn't understand, "k" means "thousand.") I am way ahead of the game, and although this does bring me a degree of excitement, I also remind myself that 50k is not my only goal this month. I have also sworn to FINISH the novel. This, I am now certain, will prove much more difficult than hitting the correct wordcount. I did this last year, when I worked on two novels. I finished both on time, but I had to really dedicate a lot of my life, tears, and frustration in order to accomplish it. I don't know what you readers do when you write, but when I novel, I need an outline. I have a step-by-step outline of what I want to include in the novel. I usually break it down into chapters. This time I am doing it by parts. I have 6 parts, which was not the original plan. I had 4, and planned to finish one per week. However, with 6, my entire schedule for wordcounts and goals is pretty much thrown out the window and into the nearest litterbox. (or something else equally visual) Also, part 1 has taken control of itself and thrown miss writer (me) into a whirlwind of confusion. More than once, I have wondered just "who is writing this novel?" Hit the wordcount? HA! Done. Finish the novel? Ask me again in a couple weeks.

Day of Decisions

2008-11-04T14:34:00.001-08:00

Today is Election day, something that really isn't all that important to my family and myself. We've never been one to involve ourselves in politics.....of course, the world is always trying to involve us all the same. Yesterday, my parents were gone for a mere three hours. In that time, I got four phone calls asking, "have you voted?" And one person to the door, asking just the same. In the following hours before we retired for the night, we received three more calls and another person to our door. Politics seem as annoying as ghosts. They haunt us, taunt us, nag at us....but at least ghosts are unpredictable, whereas these Election people ARE! They choose our President today, and although I do have the smallest of an opinion, it doesn't much matter. (I do not like Sarah Palin with a passion!) They'll choose, and then as my mom said just this morning, "life will go on." Speaking of decisions....I've been playing a game of tug-a-war with myself. Its a game that began last February of this year. Ever since I lost trust and enjoyment in my circle of friends, I was less than excited about having a birthday party for myself come November. When Melia and I fell apart, (she is Mimi too, but she has four friggin names, so I understand if you readers get confused) it basically reinforced my decision NOT to host a bday for myself. But November was many months away back then. I've always hosted a party, and it has always been the SG-1 who attended. For five years now, though the members constantly change, the SG-1 are the people I share that day with. (besides my family being my priority of course) Even now, I can see the games we played, the first time I introduced Spin the bottle, the time we saw RENT and Jeff Dunham together.....the time we stayed in tents in my backyard.... But November has come, it has arrived and my decision is faltering. It was so steadfast back in February, so true and felt so.....right. However, in recent days since my mom asked me if I want a party, I have realized WHY I don't want a party. And....it makes me feel so selfish. I no longer feel appreciated by that group of friends, I don't feel love or trust in them. I want to NOT have a party, so perhaps they might show their.....caring for me, their appreciation. Perhaps, I keep thinking, they'll call? Perhaps they'll stop by individually and offer presants? Perhaps they'll inquire, when the date grows nearer, why they have not received party invites? Perhaps.....perhaps they would throw a party for...for me? Silly. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. That's like saying "what if, what if, what if." Saying it won't get you anywhere, won't get me anywhere. Do I want a party? Yes, I do. Am I going to host one? I don't know. Why not? Because I selfishly want one of them to show they appreciate me. What is my plan? I have no friggin idea. I'm waiting for the fates to throw me a sign.

A play

2008-11-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

As you know, my mom has started me and my brothers on a new curriculum, and as part as last month's assignments, I was told to write a review of Spring Awakening, the play Coryn, mom and I saw at the Keller Auditorium on the 24th. (something like that) It was wonderful, beautiful, and still my favorite musical performance I have ever seen on stage. Even weeks after we saw it, we've still been playing the soundtrack. I imagine it has driven my dad and eldest brother nuts, since they do not care for soundtracks to musicals. It is a beautiful blend of voices and notes, and I haven't yet tired of it. Seemingly, neither has my mom, since she turns it on in the living room nearly as often as I do. (we have such similar tastes, her and I. We also seem to share everything, even the things we prefer not too....such as colds!) I cannot tell you how many times I have thanked my mom for taking me. This is what I wrote: Review of “Spring Awakening:” People attend theatrical productions for a large variety of reasons, and each one is as unusual, unique and unpredictable as the next. Regardless of income, distance, or convenience, auditoriums are filled, tickets are sold out, and waiting lists are begun, as people from all walks of life put aside time, work and money, in order to temporarily live what some call “a different life.” As for myself, I attend plays because they are so unlike today’s modern world. It is escape, but it is also exploration and education. It presents the opportunity to visually experience worlds, cultures, and poetic languages that I would not have otherwise been subjected to. In theatre, there is also relation, and Spring Awakening is the best example. This musical production reaches out to all audiences, regardless of age, race or previous familiarity with theatre. However, due to my personal observation, I believe it is the average teen with which this play makes the most intense connection. The emotions, issues and relationships dealt with in the plays duration, are easily relatable for teens, due to the high likelihood they themselves have experienced the same problems in their own lives. Whether it be a well choreographed dance number, or an elaborate exchange of love through song, I have been audience to numerous musical productions, each varying in style, setting and level of professionalism. I list these facts in order to convey just how intensely this particular performance affected me. Combinations of lyrical beauty, romantic interaction, and scenes painted elegant due to excellent costuming, phrases with perfect timing and emotions expressed so passionately…together they brought forth tears that other musical presentations had failed to draw. Because of the skills of the cast, I was more deeply immersed in their experiences and their emotions, than I have ever been with another play’s performance. It matters not why people save up months of allowance and paychecks, travel thousands of miles, and miss otherwise important commitments, in order to attend these works of wonder. The “why” of it is not important. Justification is unnecessary. The aim of those who dedicate so much of their time to these plays creation is simple: to entertain. Spring Awakening accomplished that, therefore there is nothing else to desire.

Happy

2008-11-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, I am guilty of a late update once again. I won’t supply excuses. They would be worth about as much as the whole “the dog ate my homework,” deal, and I like to consider myself of a higher intelligence than that. It has been a grand couple of days, I shall tell you, or at least it has been for me. I have recently learned that my happiness is fueled by the emotions expressed nearest me. I cannot maintain a positive emotion, if all that surrounds me is negative. Not to say I haven’t seen involved in situations that called for my support. In those moments, as I am certain all you readers have done as well, a fake smile will grace my features, and until those nearby no longer require my support, it will remain in place. In these past days, my mom has struggled towards recovery, for a victory against pain she hadn’t expected and against complications when she had expected none. None of us had anticipated that which my mom now suffers, and despite our best of intentions as well as efforts, none of us truly know what she needs. Despite these facts, I don’t believe I have conjured a fake smile once. There are varied justifications for this, but the one I prefer, is that my families support has been enough, as well as my mother’s attitude. She has dealt with this as she does with all inner struggles and issues, with bravery. She smiles for us, and I like to think she doesn’t force them, though I am smarter than that. That first day after the hospital was the hardest; I am sure, because that’s when all the problems she hadn’t predicted presented themselves. Can’t lay down, feeling dehydrated, nearly no voice, the most terrible of sore throats, as well as the intense pain of the actual incision. Despite all her physical burdens, she never snapped at her kids, never argued with her husband. Eyes tired, face smiling, still humorous and willing to hear dad or my latest dirty joke, she was still the mom we knew and loved. She is towards recoveries end now I think, and I imagine no one is more appreciative and jubilant than my mother. Watching her gain strength again, subjecting herself to her work again, seeing her resume laugh without winces and grimaces, they are reward enough for the time and effort the family has given her. I am happier than I was four days ago, and it isn’t due to the beginning of NaNoWriMo, my improving position with SAR, or my quick approaching birthday. It is because my mother is happier, and therefore my family is happier, and therefore, so am I.

Torn

2008-10-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

I just did something difficult. I received an email of someone wanting to join WHIP. Now, some of you may not know what I am talking about. Over the last two years, the SG-1, (my group of friends) have decided we need new people, new members, "Fresh blood," as some of us refer to it. Now, we weren't sure what kind of people we'd get, so we didn't want to call it the SG-1. No, we wanted to keep that reserved for the closest, most trusting, inner circle of the group. So I created a seperate circle, as a sort of introductory circle for new members. This was WHIP. (Wandering Homeschoolers In Portland) We got lot's of members at first, but then they dwindled away, and it seemed none of them stuck with us. I tried, but I couldn't find any other interested. (I knew there were teens out there, but where were they?) So the SG-1 and WHIP grew to be the same thing, because the members for each hadn't changed. We had no new members for the most part, with the small exception of Travis, (our gay friend) and Jimmy. (Our other gay friend) So I let WHIP go, of course, it was followed by the release of the SG-1 too. WHIP ended last January, the SG-1 was concluded (at least where I was the organizer and attended) in April. There were no new members, and those who were apart of it I had lost touch with. (That's back when I finally faced the loss of Melia, and without her, there was nothing left there for me) After all these months, I haven't hosted a single meeting for either of these groups. Until just two weeks ago. I've hosted meetings, just to experiment. The main reason was to obtain a couple things I left at Ari's house. (One of the members) I did this with a goal in mind, and after that.....well, there was no further plan once I accomplished my goal. I have recently realized that on Orsig, when they sound out the lists of activities in Oregon, my ad for WHIP is still in it. As I realized this, I also received an email from a parent who had a son that desperately needed a social circle. They were interested in WHIP, and wanted information. Now, what the hell do I do? There's only two choices, not three, as the members of the group would tell me if I asked their opinion. (which I won't) (1) Apologize and tell them that WHIP no longer exists, and say they'll have to find another answer to the "socializing problem." (2) Retake my post as organizer and begin the group again. My friends would tell me there is a third option, that I could add this friend into the group website, and not host anything myself. I could let the others host. The SG-1 has told me for two years now, I am too organized, too controlling, too "official." (I hate this word now) Therefore, they want me to relax, let things be random, unorganized, unplanned. So I finally relented back in April, and let them take the wheel. What has happened? Frigging nothing! They don't meet. SO, were I to invite this parent's son into the website and just let him attend whatever is hosted, he wouldn't go to anything or meet anyone. Nearly nothing is posted on that. The group doesn't host stuff, and if they do, they don't post it online. They do phone calls. This poor boy would never have a chance to be involved. So there is no third option. Or at least, not the one my "friends" would recommend. Sitting at my computer, staring at the email I had written up in reply to this parent, my finger hovered over the "send" button. Sending it would commit me to being involved in the group again, in what way was still my choice, but it would still require my involvement. Delete, or send? I sent it, and now I have a plan. I don't know how the others will see it, agree with it, reject it, or otherwise. But I have an idea that is new and slightly appealing. Am I confident in it? Not sure yet. I'll find out as I flesh this idea out. But I have to do it quick, before this boy joins the website and finds himself disappointed in the lack of events. What if I share the leadership? Pick a day of the week that our Outings will always be on, and each time that date rolls around, a different member of the group organizes? Then if something goes wrong, the blame is shared by everyone. (The congratulations too of course) Then each person can have the chance to lead in the style they think is "right." Will this work? I don't know. Will the others think this new idea too "organized, controlled, or, god forbid, official?" Guess I won't know till I try.

2008-10-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well, my dearest mother-oh-mine has finally had her surgery. The anticipation was heavy, on her, on her friends, on all of us. It's a comfort that it has finally passed. Yes, after many hours sat in a waiting room, watching movies we'd already seen, reading books and doing homework, it is done. She is tired, she is hurting, but she is recovering, and this is the important bit. She went in early yesterday morning and returned to the house near noon. It was wonderful how caring the family became in that moment. I don't think she was ever alone the entire day. If she needed something, we wanted to be there. And I think we accomplished this. I remember two days ago, (day before yesterday) when I went to mom's pre-op with both parents. We had a breakfast together at the Kettle Inn first, which was nice. We don't get to do that often, just the three of us. The pre-op was interesting, though I wasn't witness to most of it. I read Earthquakes in the other room for the most part, but I did get to watch her blood drawn. (poor woman, my mom must be so tired of having that done) I went to my SAR meeting last night, and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Sitting in the parking lot, with five minutes to go until I was due inside, I was so very torn. Dad asked me, "which choice would make you feel most uncomfortable?" I had to say both. I had a responsibility to both here. I went, but I made dad swear that if my mom needed me, she would call me. That is what a daughter, that is what a friend does. I don't do it out of duty, however. I do it because that's what feels right. Just as friends always have each others backs, we also make certain sacrifices. If my mom said she needed me, I'd be out of that Sheriff's Office in two bats of an eyelash, regardless of whatever B said to me as I went. (In the words of my father....he is such an asshat) My mom is recovering now. She sounds much better today, and moves with slightly more strength and perhaps, confidence, but this last one is something I can't assume. Only she knows that. She's up and moving and I am so glad for her. I know it frustrates her when she has to be immobile on the couch. (Unless the woman has a book, then she's fine and dandy!) Today is mom and dad's anniversary. If you're reading this, drop them a quick email, call, or letter. Just congratulate them. It doesn't take more than a few minutes. I have so many friends with parents who are seperated, divorced, or even still live in the same house, but have lost their love for each other. I am so happy and thankful every day, for the relationship my parents have mantained for 26 years. (26 years today, this evening at 7:30 in fact!) It takes strength for that, dedication, but most of all, it takes love. Love, and that's not something you can use strength, dedication or force to mantain. It is beautiful, and my parents still have it. My best wishes to those in love, and still in love, (and to my parents, of course)

Briefs

2008-10-28T00:57:00.000-07:00

(I wonder how many people have accessed this page just due to the title!) I'll make this "brief" since I am tired and its a been a long day. My parents and I spent the afternoon out with my mom's writer friend, Sandra. We went shopping at all our favorite thrift stores, and I found a gorgeous outfit at ReRun, which I'll tell you about tomorrow. In fact, I'll give most of the details then. Nearly done with my homework. Just finished reading about a National Geographic about Australia and I read about Aborigenees. (We'll pretend I spelled that right....) I was fascinated. I wish you dreams of the sweetest sort, and of lounging beneath trees on sunny, breezy days, with the company of four you enjoy most.

2008-10-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

Today was a very busy and full day, and was often very frustrating for me. It started out with a lovely lunch at Kettle Inn with my family, and then my brother Caspian and I were off to the Central Library in downtown Portland. There, I attended a NaNo introduction party. I went last year and it was pretty fun. They do a couple writing activities, but the main reason I go is to create connections with other authors in my immediate area. Which I did. Then my dad picked us up and we went to the Winch, a NBTSC camper house, where a young woman named Rachel was teaching a UnCooking class. It was fun. Caspian and I helped create a curry and potato and carrots dish, and it was delicious. There were a good six of us, including Eli. (Eli is a camper from NBTSC, but from many years ago. Last time I met Eli at camp was 2005.) Following the UnCooking class, we walked over to the Nook, the second camper house that just recently opened up. (One of its residents is Travis, my gay friend I'm not really talking to right now) While walking over, I held a conversation with Garrick, a camper from NBTSC that I've been crushing on since 2005. However, in those four years, he's always been in a committed relationship with another camper. Sadly, he is no longer with her, but in the midst of tonight's camper meetings, it was brought to my attention he has already moved onto another girl. A girl I had really wanted to connect with. (It's a kind of "friends with benefits" setup) I was really disappointed. (Garrick has the nicest ass I have ever seen!) I stayed late at the Nook, but it was Caspian who stayed the night. I talked with several people, including Clayton. He and I don't talk much, since I try my best not to hang out with him and Mimi at the same time. And seeing as they come together, that's nearly impossible. (sigh) I also met up with Tilke and Nicolas, two other Staffers from NBTSC. The entire day was frustrating due to lacking organization skills on my part, but was enjoyable because I got to hang out and talk with friends, which is something I hardly do anymore. Instead, I prefer to spend my time with those who love me and with which I enjoy spending my time. Like a few days ago, when I got to go to Cosco with my mom, Susan and Allyssa. It was very cool, since I've never been there before. I also felt important and special that I got to go along. Mom and I had a wonderful time of course, as we always do. Mom and I recently went into our favorite CardStore, because we saw it was closing and they were having a HUGE SALE! We were so very excited, and the men were fully prepared for us to go all out,...but then we entered the store's entrance, and saw all the empty shelves and cabinets. Upon inquiring, mom and I were informed the sale started 7 weeks ago. We'd missed almost all of the stuff. However, mom did get me a bear that said "daughter" on the front, as well as a card speaking of "love for a daughter," that I stuck directly into my wallet. (I love that woman!) I've been helping Caspian with his math homework. It makes me feel smart that I understand the material enough to teach it and make it understandable to another person. It also takes the burden off my parents, which they appreciate because they've got enough on their plate right now. Alrighty. I am sleepy and I can hear that the winds are strong again tonight. Last night, they were incredible. It was truly like waves crashing upon a shore. Truly, you could hear the winds swell, and then crash, only to then draw back to begin again. It was amazing and beautiful. I look forward to another night of it. (In fact, today while Caz and I walked in downtown, a huge wind swept up and hit us all at once. It nearly ripped my brother's backpack from him, and sent his hat skidding down the sidewalk. I heard the swelling of the wind before it happened, so I grabbed my hat, but it didn't stop my hair from blinding me. It was a roaring wind, and it was beautiful. I'd worn a long denim jacket just because I knew it would be windy, and it was for this kind of moment I'd chosen it. In this moment, with that wind, I'd felt like I could fly.)

REI, DK, HM and NaNo

2008-10-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

Ah, a blog entry full of abrieviations! (not that I can spell that word, of course! goes to show what kind of writer I turned out to be....) To start off with....REI. This evening there was an event at REI, a presentation by NOLS. (Which stands for National Outdoor Leadership School.) It started off with an hour of medical trivia, which I participated in occasionally. I was right most of the time, except, of course, when it was actually MY turn to supply the answer. This was the question: How many people in the USA have died from a bite of a Coral Snake in the last 48 years? DAMN it. How the hell should I know? I don't even know anything about snakes! Other than that, for the most part, a lot less people die due to them than people think. It turned out to be only one person has died for a Coral Snake. For the right answer, (which I did not supply, but my lifeline did) I earned a box of cute outdoor bandaids. The next section was a presentation from a NOLS man who just got back from a long many month trip to Papua New Guinea. There, he and his fellows (other students of NOLS) mixed with the locals, (who had 10 percent of the world's languages all combined into their own local language. How fascinating would that be to hear?) and they did some serious white water kayaking. Now, if you'd watched the video and pictures they showed us as I did....you'd never want to be involved. Picture a 50 foot waterfall. The kayak goes over the edge, and like a canonball, the kayaker hunkers down and SHOOTS into the water at the bottom, where it takes a good 8 seconds before he resurfaces and continues onwards. Was I intimidated? Hell yes. Was I excited? Hell yes. Was I already eager? HELL YES! I spoke to three people during the presentation. (During breaks obviously) and asked questions as to how to get involved, where people went after NOLS programs, and what occupations were available in the Wilderness. It was fun, all around. Next is DK. This won't take long. I'm just updating to say that the pressure of my readers has finally forced my hands. (Or words, as the case might be) They kept nagging for a new chapter to my online fanfic/story, and I finally supplied it. Chapter 8! They are very excited and already nagging for the next! A slight other update....I checked my account on Fictionpress, where I post my personal fictional stories, and saw that my main vampire tale now has 3,225 hits. (That means that exactly that many people have opened it up to read!) That's very exciting for me. (And the number keeps going up too!) HM stands for homework. I am trying to finish in the next three days. Keep rooting for me. There is a NaNo party tomorrow. Here's a toast for hoping it goes well! And even though I have more to tell you, about a trip to Cosco with my mom, about our favorite Cardstore going out of business, about two NBTSC camper parties I'm attending tomorrow, and numberous other events of importance....my parents and brothers are nagging for me to go to bed. If I don't oblige, I imagine I shall have an entire line of people standing at my door, going, "Go to sleep Nicole before we drag your ass under your blankets!" Or something to that effect. So here's my usual toast to dreams and the most sweetest of inspiration.

Two more bite the dust

2008-10-25T01:03:00.000-07:00

I had an odd thought today. I wondered just how many of my business cards (the ones I hand to boys that are handsome that has my contact information on it) are floating around in guys messenger bags and in their rooms? I've asked over 12 men out in the last year and a half since I broke up with my previous boyfriend, Dimitri. That's a lot of cards. And I handed two more out in just the last 48 hours. The first was to a boy standing outside Powell's bookstore in downtown Portland. He was advocating gay and lesbian rites. I announced to mom and dad that I was going to go see if he was gay, (and available, since he was cute!) and off and away I went. I told him I support gay and lesbian rites, but I also wanted to know if he was gay. (you don't realize just how awkward and personal a question that is until you say it!) He tells me he is straight and asks why I wanted to know. I asked if he was single, he said yes again, and so I handed him my card. "Drop me a call sometime then." I told him, and then walked back to join my eagerly and impatiently waiting parents. (who of course were both sporting large grins!) The other card went to a boy today who was sitting in Borders bookstore. (yeah, so what? I ask a lot of guys out there.) The funny thing is.....my family and I walked in, saying, "you know? It's been awhile since Nicole asked a boy out." And low and behold! Another cute boy appeared as if the fates summoned him before me. Sitting at a table in the cafe, I am reading a manga. (a new series, named Psychic Power Nanaki) when I hear someone nearby start talking with my parents. I glance up with little to no interest, as I hear him inquire to our odd way of choosing what books to purchase. (My parents had this strange process going on the table I hadn't noticed, where they'd made over four piles. Don't worry. I didn't see the logic or system to it either) Then my eyes see the man we're talking to. And boy, is he HOT! (Not to sound like a teenager or anything...) It turns out, (after my very helpful parents make the inquiry) that he is currently reading a large textbook on Outdoor Emergencies. We freely inform him that I am a Search and Rescue worker. From here, we get into a conversation about some outdoor class he is studying for. None of my family recalls what it was, because it wasn't important. The fact was I gave him my card, (as mom's sneaky suggestion) so that he could send me the information. I hope he does! That could be the first step to....other things. He was cheery. He was friendly. Chatty. But also listened. And he was hot. (but we already established that, didn't we?) Besides my lovely two updates on "boy-life," I went out with two friends this afternoon. Everett and Emyli. I'm beginning to wonder why I even try anymore. (I've had the same thoughts concerning boys too.....) Conversation was dull. Nothing was interesting and it seemed nobody wanted to hear about anybody else but themselves. AND GOOD GOD. Will I EVER be able to eat a REAL meal with friends? Every friggin time I go out with friends, they have to mess up the meal. They don't have the money. They ate before they came. They're not very hungry. They're on a diet. Today it was the "i'm not very hungry" one. Therefore, I felt like a pig because they ate little to nothing. It was frustrating as hell. I just want a real meal with these people! Is that too much to ask! (Apparently, it is) Therefore, I came home and hung out with my loveliest lovely parents, and then asked a boy out (with their assistance of course) at a bookstore, then went and picked up Coryn from Jake's, (his and Caz's new friend's house) and then came home to do some comfy, cozy reading together. I went through some of my old journals today. I found an entry I made last year when I went to a California camp with my friend Mimi. It was hard to read. I had scrawled across the page, "Today, Mimi told me how easy things were when I was around, that she had someone to fall back on." It made my heart ache and even brought me anger. That's an unusual emotion for me when it comes to Mimi, anger. It even feels strange to type it. I also came across old entries that had some of the worst spelling errors I've ever witnessed myself write. I truly have improved. Same goes for my artwork, though I discovered several from last year that were pretty damned good. I also discovered a story I wrote last year at Patrick's Point, (that California camp) called the Goddess Walk. It was based on a fictional idea I'd created, with the two main characters as Mimi and myself. It was somber, yet made me grin a secret smile. (all smiles about Mimi are secret now....secret and somber) Now a bed awaits me, as does a blanket of stars in a blue sky. Moonlight shall bathe me silver, soft breezes shall lull mental chaos into gentle patterns of serenity. Dreams await, dreams with colors and hues that only slumber shall reveal. Therefore, let these weary eyes retire, lay this head upon a pillow, and let thoughts calm themselves into silence. Dreams come, only when the mind falls quiet, and the soul is then able to reach beyond....into what? That is my soul's business.

Stepping up

2008-10-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

Things are falling into place now. I've got my hands wrapped around my homework for this month and feel that I'll make ends meet. My chores are the only thing that haven't yet been dealt with, but I'll get there. I tried out a Hiking Club this morning. They were a wonderful group, called Oregon Trails Club. They are mostly made up of the elderly, but an advantage to this is that they are far more friendly and I really like their pace. It's comfortable for me, and yet pushes me enough to still provide excercise. We hiked to Council Crest. It was gorgeous, and ever so windy. It was perfect. I met the parents at the Pita Pit in downtown Portland today and we ate together. It was very nice. We also hung at Powell's bookstore awhile, and I am finishing my latest manga series, Chrono Crusade. I've been warned that it doesn't end....quite happily, therefore I am hestitating in reading the end at all. (I'm strange this way...but you knew that) My brothers and I watched a movie called "Thin" tonight. It was on eating disorders and was part of this month's homeschooling. It was educating, though incredibly sad and somber in places. I'm glad I saw it. I've finally sent in my application to be a full time member of the OLCC organization. It's very exciting! I pretty much work for the Sheriff's Office and for the Police now. (Yay!) I wrote a reply to Shayne today. It was the longest I've written him I think. (By hand, anyway) and it was four and a half pages. Not bad. My hand was sore by the end though, and I was even using mom's gentle pen. (I know there's a name, but I'm not recalling it right now) I still want to tell you about Sunday, and the second day of my SAR Outing. Don't worry! I haven't forgotten. It's just taking a bit to get around to it. Oh, and I also need to tell you about seeing Spring Awakening last night with mom and Coryn at the Keller Auditorium. (I can't convey to you how grand it was. It's my favorite play of all time. It invoked the most emotions from me I've ever released to a film, play, or otherwise. It was wonderful, surprising, and awe-inspiring, all at the same time. Even days after, the play is still with me, in images, in songs, in voices and words.)

Worries and concerns fading

2008-10-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, what a wonderful weekend. Spent in the woods, beneath the glorious stars, surrounded by people who appreciated my opinions and enjoyed my company....what more could I have asked for? As you readers know, I spent Saturday and Sunday with Search and Rescue. At 6:am on Saturday, we met at the Sheriff's Office and goodness! Did chaos ensue! Whereas my Unit is used to the scurrying of 30 people to get things ready for a SAR Outing, we are NOT used to having near 70 people, with over half of them having no idea what to do. (yes, those would be the 45 recruits) But it was exciting! I jumped in, and I got to host my first Pack Inspection. That was very cool. Giving instructions to people who respect you and WANT to help, is a good feeling. With the other Certifieds, (that's how we refer to those of us who are already part of SAR and have been for a while, with a lot of experience under their belt) often with them, they know what they're doing so much, that they hate taking orders, especially from someone whose been in the Unit for a lesser time than they have. Therefore, my instructions and assigning jobs to them is impossible. But with Recruits....if they got a job, they were off to do it almost before I finished imparting details. We were out of there in an amazing amount of time. One hour, and we left, which is far under what it would have been without the 45 recruits! The drive up there, I spent in a van full of newbies. I sat near the front, one row behind the driver. (It was Ted, who is one of the two people my mom and I went on a tracking expedition with. Gosh, that was a great trip too!) I had planned to get some sleep during the drive to Rimona Falls, but I enjoyed listening to others conversations too much to sleep. These vans, readers, have eight rows of seats! The van sits 14 people! So believe me, conversations were plentiful, and since I was the only Certified in the car besides the driver, I got to answer lot's of questions. I love answering recruits questions. It makes me feel important, needed, vital. The day, once we arrived on site, was busy and rushing from place to place. We worked on teaching Search Types, meaning we were sectioned up into teams and sent out into the field. Of course, first we had a briefing for the Team Leaders, (WHICH INCLUDES ME AS AN ATL! I was go excited to be within that circle of Certifieds, I can't even tell you) Back at the Office, Brent didn't show. (He's my TL) I was concerned immediatly that this meant I would be filling in, which would have been okay, except that I didn't know my team at all yet, or the system with which we would be teaching this weekend. However, Brent did show up on site. It was clear Janette had talked to Brent, because we got along real well. We shared responsibility, and most times, I had a role to play in the leading. I got to have a position behind the grid line, (the line of recruits combing an area of forest for a missing person or a missing person's items) and keep them on task, focused, reasonablly quiet, and that communication between Brent's end of the Grid Line and my end stayed clear. I stayed clued into the plan, and once we discovered our subject, (the Certified who was posing as the person we were searching for) one thing moved right to the next, and there were no mistakes! I was the one to retrieve the Litter from Base Camp. I grabbed three members of my team, and off we went! Racing down the path towads Base, I also gave them little tidbits of information that would later help them a lot....mostly medical tidbits that they wouldn't learn for a few weeks, but that would assist them when that time arrived. On the way back, I was impressed at how well Bravo, (the name of my team) did on carrying the Litter. They were very smooth, very professional, although they did struggle. But of course they did! They haven't built up any kind of endurance for it yet, therefore we had people switch on and off the Litter every 40 seconds or so. After this, Bravo was given the option of staying and resting at camp, or hiking up to help Alpha, (another team) with their Litter, since they'd hiked further up, therefore they had a longer trek to make. My impressive, wonderful team, decided yes. So off we went up the trail once more. A fast pace, but one we could keep to. I was in the back, keeping up the rear, and we reached the other team, (who was moving towards us) in no time. I didn't help with their Litter though. Brent assigned me the task of retrieving the string lines Bravo had put up earlier. (These are used to rope the areas already searched by a team, so we don't start overlapping and searching an area twice) I must have spent near an an hour picking up a single line! It was strung between trees, through bushes, and around huge stumps, and it was a long hike. I wasn't alone of course, or at least not for the first part. I had grabbed Anna to come with me, but since we followed two different string lines, we ended up going in opposite directions by accident, so we eventually lost each other. I was slightly concerned at first. I was walking alone, and the trail was dissappearing off to my right somewhere, and I had no idea were the Litter team was anymore. Then my SAR mind went into gear. It brought up the logic that when Bravo laid this string line, we started at the trail, so if I kept following it, I would eventually rejoin with the path that led to Base camp. I also had a radio strapped to my chest, and could therefore radio into any of the teams or Base at any time. Content and calm, I enjoyed stumbling through the forest, creating a huge ball of string that ended up near half the size of my head. Eventually, I met up with Garth, another Certified, who I'd stumbled upon a few moments earlier and after having told him about Anna, he went to go find her and told me to resume my work. Apparently, after having discovered Anna, he started following my line from the other direction. It was nice to have less work than I'd thought. It was a nice walk though, and I got to set my own pace. It was very peaceful, once my concerns had faded. Meals on Outings are always delicious. Lunch is my favorite: tomato soup with grilled cheese! Yum, yum, yum. Tonight was spegetti, (yeah, I can't spell it. So what?) with garlic bread! Also delicious. However, the next morning was bacon and pancakes, neither of which do I care for. But I am jumping ahead of myself now. Before I talk about Sunday, I need to tell you of the Night Game we played. It was called Sasquatch. And I got to play a part I never have before! Until then,

The talking date

2008-10-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

And no, I do not refer to a date with a guy. I refer to a incident between my mother and I last night at dinner. (and you already know that that was a strange meal!) We had chicken salads you remember, and my dad likes to add dates. He cut one in half, threw it to my mom, who then proceeded to make it talk. Yes, that's my wonderful, genius of a mother, friend-oh-mine, authoress, mother.....who makes dates talk. A couple other notes to mention before I head off to bed. My mom played a song for me today, saying it was kind of a hopeful song that fit my life right now and that she thought I should hear it. I don't recall its name, but it was about knowing that the "one" is out there, the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with, and one day you will cross paths, and that right now, you are living out your lives, living dreams and wishes and victories, and in a funny kind of way, we already belong to each other. It was a hopeful song for me, since I am struggling with the whole "romantic" aspect of my life right now. I broke up with my boyfriend one year and a half ago, on Valentine's Day of 2007. Since then, I have asked out 10 guys. Two replied to me. Three I had actual dates with. Two I had more than one date. And none of them lasted more than two months. So thanks for that song mom. I really needed it. (it even made me teary....just wish I could remember it's title) I got a letter from Shayne today. I was very excited. Apparently he is making me a birthday present! There is a site I am part of called Fanfiction.net and it is dedicated to people who write stories based off stories that already exist, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Day After Tomorrow, Buffy the Vampire slayer, so on. They also have a section for Japanese Manga and anime series. I have a account and started a story based off my favorite manga, Dragon Knights. (You've heard me mention it multiple times in previous blog entries) I haven't picked up a Dragon Knights book since the last book in the series was released some months ago. I'd been so excited for it, so sad it ended, that picking one up again made me sad and feel a certain kind of longing. I had to pick up volume one, because I needed it for a reference to write another chapter, and it....it felt good. I'd missed the setting of that world and the characters. When you read a series long enough and enough times, when you searched enough pictures on Google and put them in your slideshow, when you've talked enough on forums dedicated to it and read stories others have written based on it......you come to a place where you feel you know that world and the characters almost like you've lived it. Picking up volume one again felt good. I started MY DK story June of LAST year, and it's been a hit on the site. I've gotten out of schedule on posting though, and in the last two months alone, I've had five people demand more chapters. I am excited they remain so interested! It makes me feel confident in my writing! (Side note.....DK stands for Dragon Knights. I used it with mom once, saying I was going to go "DK now," and she was totaly confused. She thought I meant "decay" so I had to correct her. I am telling you readers this so you don't do the same. Silly mothers.) My family and I went to see WALI today. (not sure how that's spelled) and it was aboslutely adorable. I loved it and it couldn't have been any better. It's got to be a favorite one, and I imagine in the future, it'll be one of those mom and I see on those late nighters, just me and her, just for the laughs that it induces into our sleep filled brains. Oh, I have a SAR outing starting Saturday. Let's hope it goes well! Last note.....NaNoWriMo contines to fastly approach, and I have almost everything at the ready. My only concern? That I know the plot too well since I hatched it over a year ago. I don't want to grow bored in the middle. I hope I gain new inspiration soon, for a part I didn't have, or to change a section to something else....just to spice things up and to offer more excitement come November 1st! Here's a toast to inspiration!

The World's Stupids

2008-10-16T14:28:00.001-07:00

Morons. Asses. Pains. Idiots. Buttheads. WASTE OF MY FRIGGIN TIME! That's what I did today. I just wasted 35 minutes of my day with a moron. And yes, he was male. Here's the deal. I recently found an odd on Craigslist for a guy named Jesse who wanted to start a writers group. He wanted to gather varied authors and create a website for them to post their work, and get public reviews and opinions. I wanted in. We've exchanged several emails over the last week, and every exchange of cyber-words, has only gone to support my first impression of him. HE IS NO PROFESSIONAL. Today only proved this. I met him at Starbucks in Gresham Station, and both my parents sat in the corner, because I was meeting a stranger. Here is an easy breakdown of all of his mistakes: When he saw me, he didn't even look at me. He motioned towards a table, didn't give my mom a second glance, and didn't offer his name. I sat down with him, and asked, "So tell me about this site? What's involved? How did you get involved? What inspired you to become a writer?" His reply was to draw a contract out of his messenger bag, along with a non-discloser agreement. This pissed me off. He hadn't even told me what the site was about, what was involved, what I was agreeing to be involved with, and or what signing this document would mean. He just began talking about signatures. I took the document to my parents, because they'd understand it better than I would. (later, when I retrieved it and gave it back to Jesse, my parents said they counted and found Jesse's name in the document 25 times! GEEZE!) Next, he handed me a sheet with questions on my writing experience, what genres did I prefer to write in, what subjects I most enjoyed, how many years I'd been writing and what had inspired me to begin, and so on. (AND how many spelling errors were there in this 15 question sheet? 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!) So while I filled this out, he sat across from me in silence. Therefore, I started asking questions, which caused many complications for myself. I was now seriously multi-tasking. Talking to him. Answering questions on the sheet. And trying not to mix up the two. Some of the questions were difficult too, such as "describe the basic concept of a story you'd like to write." I was trying to form an answer to this, put it in writing, while also trying to mantain a conversation with Jesse. Another question said, "take the word below and tell me about it in a paragraph." The word was "WALL" and so I did, but once again, trying to configure this answer while trying to talk to Jesse was hard. He only asked two questions about me during our entire conversation, which was "What are your favorite genres," which was a question he held apparently no interest in, because one I told him, he moved right on to talking about his own favorite genres. The other question was.....puzzling. He asked, "So do you always portray yourself like this?" Now...what the hell does that mean? I asked, "do you mean....do I always portray myself professionally?" He nodded. Now, do you have any idea what he's talking about readers? Neither did I. Towards the end, he said I needed to sign the non-discloser agreement, but as my parents had just informed me, as a minor, I cannot sign that document. He was stumped. He didn't understand why not. (and isn't it hellishly abvious? I'M A MINOR!) So I told him that I can sign it, give him my word, but legally, I not bound to anything under law. Asking dad later, he told me that upon walking in, (he came in after my mom and I's arrival) he glanced to Jesse and I and immediatly thought we should leave. It turns out my mom was nervous too! (And of course, then so was I) The entire conversation/meeting was a waste of my time. He never asked anything about me, (except for those two questions, one of which still stumps me) and he even asked me to bring a couple examples of my work. I brought them, and he never asked for them. I had to offer them, and even then, he hardly gave them a glance. I felt like I was interviewing him, rather than the other way around. I asked the questions, fueled the conversation, and did all the learning. Considering what he learned about me....he could have gotten the same amount of information out of our meeting, if he'd talked to a "wall" instead! I agreed with my parents later, that if he emails me, then I shall kindly (though curtly) inform him that I shall not be involved, and then explain to him why. It was a waste of time, as I said, and I've even considered gathering together my own group. I want a writers group that starts a project, and finishes. NOT people who have ideas, but never start. AND please, no people who start a few chapters and get bored. I want people who reach conclusions to their novels. And I don't like to sound braggy or anything, but I believe I could and would do such a better job than Jesse. (Especially with the assistance of my fantastic parents!)

Dinner-talk and my favorite eating places

2008-10-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

My family and I share the oddest conversations at the dinner table. Sometimes it's normal things, such as the TV series we are watching together. Right now we've been doing: Dexter. Saving Grace. We've mostly given up on Lost, because the schedule for it has gotten so messed up. It used to be good, now its too complicated. Other times, we talk about scheduling...what we're doing tomorrow, what mom's work is like right now, and who I am seeing and meeting this week. But tonight we talked about.....sexuality. Now, I won't go into the details of it, but I will say, it's interesting to toss around terms and stories with my parents. It's funny, considering that for the most part, they don't say anything I don't already know! I remember my first year going to camp NBTSC back in 2005. I sat in on a activity called a Gender Blender, in which those attending can ask any question in the area of: Dating Kissing Sex Periods Girls versus guys Gay Lesbian My first year! Sigh. I spent it sitting on the floor, trying to be subtle and conceal the fact that I had my fingers in my ears. I'd every now and then remove them to check and see what they were saying, but some of the conversations were shocking to me. It's not that my parents were sheltering me, but that the world I'd lived in before moving to Oregon was mostly sheltered. Warsaw Indiana. I went to Girl Scout camps, where one didn't have ANY kind of sexual conversation, or you were immediatly told to drop it. I hung with kids who thought of the subject as taboo or strange, or just too mature a topic to discuss. Here, in that Gender Blender, I sat with my ears covered as I heard words, terms and facts I'd never so much as pondered before. In the following two years, I spent more time listening, and understanding. And this year, (2008) I actually participated. I asked questions, offered my own opinions, and sometimes just enjoyed the humorous talks that would erupt! This, among other things, has educated me. I used to be so very uncomfortable talking about anything "sexual." But camp helped me in a wonderful way to become comfortable with that subject, with hearing about it, listening to it, and talking about it. But that conversation at the table with my family tonight was sure fun! Today my dad and I went to REI on my third attempt at buying myself a new pair of boots. It was a relief to finally accomplish it! I was so worried we wouldn't find anything, and then I'd reach the day before the SAR outing this weekend, and be rushing to find the right pair. That would be hard on me, but even harder on my parents. Anyway, dad and I walked in, was helped immediatly and within 45 minutes, had found a pair of boots that fit me just perfectly! After finishing this, we went and joined mom and the boys for lunch at Panera's Bread almost next door to REI. This is one of my two favorite restaurants. Panera's Bread Pita Pit Panera's Bread has so many options. Soups, sandwiches, salads, bagels, cookies! I was so excited for lunch! And then we had dad's wonderful chicken salads for dinner. These are fantastic salads, readers. The only negative thing I have to say about them, (and my mom and brothers agree) is that your jaw gets tired of chewing it at one point. (they are big salads, but they are worth every tiring bite!) I went to my SAR meeting tonight, and was BORED for almost the entire thing. The meeting had almost no need of me. I didn't do any leading and provided no instructing. I was so excited when Tay, (a SAR Advisor) asked me to make copies of a handout, just because I could pass the time. And I was further excited, when I couldn't find a stapler, because that meant more time with which I had SOMETHING TO DO. It was sad...... But funny in retrospect. I got to talk to Janette about my position as ATL, and the issues I've been having with my superiors. After the meeting finished, I spent about 15 minutes walking around the parking lot with her, telling her about my TL's troubles, and my longtime issues with Brandon. I felt it went really well, and she and I put together a plan. She'll talk to Brandon. She'll talk to Brent about carrying more responsibility. And if Brent and I don't construct a better communication and connection, Then I shall move to another team. I feel good and strong that this conversation happened, and that now I can move on in SAR, rather then keep feeling held back, because this problem won't go away. Oh, and a last note on SAR......I made lot's of connections with my Bravo team members tonight. I called them all out last night to issue information, but this time I could put faces with phone numbers and names. I am sure I know at LEAST half my team now, just by talking to them. And guess what? I haven't seen Brent START a conversation with a single recruit on our team. HA! We watched Indiana Jones tonight, the new one. I loved the last part where we think MUTT is going to get Indy's hat, but then Indy brushes by and steals it! (if you readers haven't seen this film, I recommend renting it!) Off to bed with me. Goodnight to one and all, and I wish you the sweetest dreamlands that you've ever dare to venture, and the kindest wakings that has ever befallen you. Dreams,

A plan

2008-10-15T00:33:00.001-07:00

It's been settled. I've decided to talk to somebody in SAR tomorrow night before the meeting. And I am going to ask her advice on what I should do concerning my position as ATL. I am tired of being treated the way I have been. And it's time I did someting. I have a plan. And it feels good! I feel so organized all of a sudden, so....strong! A couple days ago, my mom bought me my own datebook. Since then, I have packed it full of activities, classes and whatnot. Since her giving me it, I've added these events to my calender. (Note, whenever I say "campers," I am referring to those of NBTSC) A concert by a band led by an NBTSC camper. A NaNoWriMo midnight kickoff party. A NaNoWriMo event at the Central Library. A meeting with a man who is setting up a writers site, which I want to be involved in. A meet up with Dimitri. A teen dance. (which I am no longer attending) A house warming party for campers who have moved to Portland. A second house warming party for campers who have moved to Portland. Exciting, eh? I thought so! I feel more organized. I plan to make a morning routine, scheduled and sectioned up, including, Excercise Fictional writing Cleaning my room Homework My chores Reading Even to just see these lists makes me feel good. Lists have always been very important to me. Without them, I feel lost. Like when I organized that bowling outing last weekend for the SG-1. I didn't make a list of those attending, and swore I was forgetting somebody. If I'd had a list, I wouldn't have thought that. (I didn't forget anybody though......yay!) Oh, I've also even considered starting myself on my own balanced diet. No particular diet, but just one that balances all the different food groups, and that seriously lessens carby items. (I hate that heavy feeling carbs give you after consumption) Today the entire family went in with Caspian to the dentist. He was getting a piece of metal out of his mouth and we were all so excited for him. (he speaks better without it too. We all think so!) It was a good thing we did, all going together. (good thing that SAR mission got canceled I guess....though I sure hope another county picked it up) Mom met with a woman tonight about writing. She attended mom's seminar a couple weeks back, and while they talked at Olive Garden over dinner, the boys and I got to go out to dinner with dad. It was a nice thing, especially since it doesn't happen very often. It was a special thing. I went to work today with Tracy. I finally got to meet her husband, Roman. He's kind, but doesn't talk much. He and I were working at the house for several hours while Tracy took her kids to their Spanish class, and we hardly exchanged more than a few words. This was mostly okay with me though, since I work most quickly and efficently without intereference or interruption. I got to make dinner for Tracy and the girls. (They called and asked me to do it) and since I've never heated up meatballs and ravioli before, I feel pretty good that I didn't ruin anything. (The meatballs were good too, especially since I typically don't like hamburger. Yes, dad, I can hear you laughing and pointing, and saying, "I told you so!") I tried to remove the green paint stains from the carpet. (it was one of the jobs Tracy assigned me for while she was gone) but the paint remover I was given didn't do nothing. (Look at your writer daughter now mom!) The rags I was using to scrub the carpet rigoriously turned green alright, but the stain on the floor stayed just the same. (damn paint, damn carpet, damn paint remover, damn rags....damn it, damn it.....yeah, I did a bit of cussing there. Good thing the girls were out with Tracy!) Oh, and the paint remover smelled terrible! The moon is beautiful tonight. Tracy referred to it as a Harvest moon, which feels right, even though neither she nor I knew why it was called that. She and Hannah also tried to show me the Bunny in the moon, which is apparently a normal thing to see in a moon in their family. I smiled, and looked, but didn't see it, so eventually I pretended I did. (In fact....though it bothers me to say, I couldn't see the moon well enough to find a bunny. It was a blurry moon....and I was wearing my glasses too!) I look forward to going upstairs and sleeping outside on the deck. (Yes, we are still doing that. It's peaceful!) I want to see everything lounging in silver.

Glitter pens and old cartoons

2008-10-14T00:59:00.000-07:00

Today was spent mostly home. I got to spend several hours upstairs, merely sitting next to my mom while I wrote one of my novels. It's called No Confidence, and its a series that takes place in the old west. Ever since 2006, I've been doing one book in the series each year. This time, I haven't finished the one I did last year, in 2007, so I am trying to do as much as I can before November 1st and NaNoWriMo starts. (See previous posts for definition) I wrote 3k today, so not bad! Gearing up for NaNo! So as to glitter pens.....I sent a letter to my friend Van a couple weeks ago for his birthday, and got it back on Saturday. It said, "we cannot accept this letter at this prison because it has writing for which you used a glitter pen." Therefore, I had to rip out the inside of the letter and rewrite it, which was okay, except now the damn card is way late! In the past several months, I've taken a deep interest in seeing the movies I saw and loved as a kid. Mom has been very kind in providing me with them. We've done: FernGuli. Gnome of Central Park. And now tonight, we have two new additions. Lion King 1/2. Rescuers Down Under. (A favorite of my moms) (And we also have Anastasia to watch this week as well) It was fun. Our parents watched these two with us, and we laughed, shook our heads, rolled our eyes, and looked back on the past together, and observed how things had changed over the years. It was a lovely experience. Oh, almost had a SAR call tonight. They called me out at 11:00 PM this evening, and said they'd need us at the Office by 3:30 AM the next morning. (Lot's of notice huh?) It was for a missing person's case on Mt. Adam's, a three hour trip from the Sheriff's Office. (and that's why we had to show so early in the morning....if that counts as morning) I couldn't go, because my boots have sort of fallen apart. The seems are ripping and were it to rain, my feet would be soaked. (therefore, unusable!) Dad and I have taken a trip to Next Adventure in the last week or so. It was when we went to their big sale. I tried on boots for over an hour, (by myself) and then dad and I came back a few days later to try again. The first time I bought a pair that didn't fit. The second time we didn't find anything. We plan to try for REI next time, but damn! That's going to be spendy. (Insert Nicole's guilt here....) So I told my commander, Isabel, that I could provide communications, but wouldn't be workable in the field. The entire thing was canceled due to not enough people who could come. Oh, and once again, my TL did not answer his cell phone when I called him for the callout, HOWEVER, he later texted me. This pisses me off. I am often halfway through callouts by the time he gets in touch, and I always have to leave messages rather than talk to him! Gah! Anyway, I am glad I get to stay up reading the Host tonight, and then get to go to sleep, knowing I have nothing tomorrow but a few hours working with Tracy in thea afternoon. (By the way, last time I was there, when I left, I got a hug from two of the girls, Hannah and Gracie. That was a wonderful reward in of itself) Blessings and goodnight,

A breath of organizer-air.....

2008-10-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

Revisiting the past.....that's what I've done in the last couple of days. On Friday, I received a phone call that Ari (a kind of friend of mine) had some of my clothes at her house left over from a few years back when we went to Snow Cabin together. I thought, "I'll just pull everybody together, rather than just meet with her alone." It was nothing against her really, it just felt...right. Therefore, in 15 minutes, I had called up 11 people, gotten at least 5 RSVP's, had detailed hammered out and all in all, had an outing planned. OH, a breath of organizer air! It felt so good. I missed playing that part in this group, the SG-1. I miss playing leader, playing organizer, and even breathing in those few minutes of it, it still brought back memory-pangs. Today we met up. We went to a bowling alley, and you know what? In the past, whenever I tried to suggest bowling, everybody always got pissed, saying they hated bowling. Back on Friday, when these concerns came to me, I put them aside. I was no longer the organizer or leader of these people. I was just a person wanting to host something, so I said "it's at a bowling, they can come, or they won't." As I have been with various other things too, I put the matter into the hands of fate. It felt good to decide something solely for "me" for once. It was a good outing, and yo know what? They enjoyed the bowling. We played three games, and I used to play tournaments you know? I was on a team and I own a trophie from those days too, but I also knew I had gotten rusty. Despite the fact I won all three rounds, I also never breached 100 points, as well as my highest pin count being 84. (Mimi and I were neck and neck for points almost every game) Oh, there was Ari, Mimi, Kate, Caspian and me. There were supposed to be an Everett, Clayton and Eli, (three related brothers, the first of which I dated, the second which is dating Mimi, and the third that is dating Kate....complicated, I know) but they didn't have a ride in from St. Helen's sadly. Travis was supposed to come, but....sigh, he was a no-show. Always, he says he's coming, then doesn't. When I call him later, (because he doesn't answer his phone DURING the time he's supposed to arrive, only way later) he has a perfectly good excuse. I'm beginning to doubt his honesty. Speaking of honesty.....while walking in the park outside Lloyd Center Mall today, Ari was talking to me about the importance of honesty, of speaking the truth, and that most of the time the outcome is better for it. She was very profound in how she described telling the truth with loved ones, and earning trust that way, forming a bond....and I couldn't help glancing to my left, where Mimi walked and listened. We didn't speak, didn't connect gazes, but I sensed she was thinking the same I was. We were remembering that day at NBTSC, talking with the staffer Dawn, and how we'd agreed to be honest with each other. Honesty, that we haven't really stayed true to. I think we both try, but not very hard. Sigh....well, I put that matter into fates hands too. And you know? That small bond Mimi and I shared in that moment, of knowing we were thinking the same thought.....even that small mental touch felt wonderful. The entire meeting felt strange to me, because I wasn't running it. I observed the talking, and didn't make sure to include everyone. I didn't make sure we knew where we were going, and I didn't do almost any guiding or navigating. I left it to them, and....ha ha....we ended up wandering, and leaving early. (I believe half the reason for leaving early was because we didn't come up with anything to do and just ended up in the food court for lack of a better idea, but that's just my opinion.......:) It was a refreshing experience though. I do wonder if I shall host again? I thought of taking them to the Pita Pit. (Which my family now loves nearly as much as me! yay!) And Caspian, (shocker!) has now shown a interest in organizing! Go boy! All the more energy to you! My family watched Don't Mess with the Zohan tonight, and although I knew it would be funny, I didn't know it would be hilarious. It was awesome! I can see why Caspian was so excited for us all to see it! My brothers and I then watched Forbidden City, which had Jackie Chan and Jet Li, which was also good. Gorgeous imagery, perfect costuming, cute men, intense fight scenes and impressive powers, the only thing was....too much fighting. There needed to be more dialog strewn throughout the battling. There were also parts thrown into the plot that weren't needed. As a writer, this probably bothers me more than others, I'm aware of this. However, I still think it a good movie over all and I am glad I saw it. (thanks mom!) I found a thing called OryCon tonight, but I'll tell you more about it tomorrow. As well as the dreams I've been having and their incredible LENGTH. Until then, I bid you a warm, peaceful, kindly dreamy goodnight,

Creepy, worky, pumpkiny, and sleepy

2008-10-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

Starting with creepy, it is now evening and my family and I just finished watching the Happening. It crept the hell out of me. Mind you, it was very good. I had heard multiple rumors that it ended badly, left the ending open, and so on, but it had a conclusion and a resolution. (Also, I had forgotten how hot the director of that movie is....sigh) I really liked it, but there sure were several bits I didn't watch. Some of it got to me too. Going down the hallway afterwards to check my computer before bed, I had a flash of a crazy old woman killing herself by repeatedly throwing herself through house windows.....but enough of that. There were good parts too. I really loved the near ending (I won't reveal anything) with that couple standing in the middle of the winds, walking towards each other, feeling it and reveling in it, and yet not fearing it. It was an awesome scene that I loved! It was well done and I am so glad we got it. We'd thought the movie store wouldn't have it, but dad asked behind the desk, and found out one had JUST been returned. Go dad. On a totally different topic, I went to work again this morning. Got there at 10:am, and jumped into work. However, most of what I did was outside or was working with the two young daughters, Gracie and Hannah. They are adorable. First hour or so I spent breaking down the boxes I emptied out the last time I was here. (I was here for six hours, I believe. Not bad for a first day) My hands felt like they froze! I should have brought gloves, but sadly, that was an afterthought, rather than a beforethought....(I know there's another word for that....come on, writer's vocabularly, come on.....) Tracy (the mother) left me alone with the girls for the first time. We played outside, rolled around in a tent, they dressed up in princess outfits, (oh, I remember those days!) and by the end of it, I had misplaced my cell phone, had to clean applesauce off one of my shoes, and had to find my shoes....which had somehow in the process of the last four and a half hours, vanished. Happily, I found the cell phone and shoes before the parents arrived at 2:30. (Go me! And I earned forty bucks! Not bad!) My eldest brother is reading the first book in one of my favorite series, by one of my favorite authors. It's called Hawksong, and I am very excited to see what he thinks. (I've been handing that book to Coryn for ages, but it somehow keeps ending up in my room without his having read it. SIGH!) My family tried to go to the Pumpkin Patch today with a new group of people, but complications let frustrations, and frustrations led to surrenderings, and that led to.....oh well. We arrived and couldn't find the group. The group was not on the registration list. We had no numbers. We had no names. It was incredibly irritating, but more so, for my mom. She shouldn't have the entire responsibility of gathering information for our families varied destinations. I know I've said this before. I know I've announced this before and I know I've decided to change this before. However, it keeps happening, so something must not be changing. I'll have to change this! (and this time I mean it! And yes mother, I meant it last time too! So there!!!) We went to the potluck that followed the Pumpkin Patch, (which we'd been late for, since my work went till the same time the group gathered, and the trip took longer than I'd estimated) and we had a reasonablly good time. Caz got along well with the kids, entertaining and making them laugh. Coryn was bored out of his poor mind. Mom got along well enough, but I know she found it difficult to relate to most of the other women. Dad got along swell with everybody. (no surprise right?) And I was pretty social at the beginning but lost interest within an hour or so. Sharing talk and food with Coryn, we kept each other company while everyone else milled about. I found the entire thing worth it, merely as time with my family. (I like think this way generally)I especially liked the small exchanges of conversation mom and I shared, during those early moments we felt left out and lonely and (often) bored. I love that woman/friend/mother-oh-mine. :) I am sleepy now. I've been up a long time and look foward to sleep tonight. Dad set up our beds outside on the deck again. (as it gets colder and closer to winter...yeah, I know, weird, but sweet, appreciated and probably will be fun, but sweet and strange all the same! Sigh....we love him.) I love this family! P.S. There's something I wanted to mention a few days ago when it actually was said, but I'll say it now before I forget. When organizing and conversing over transportation for these new jobs I've been taking up, mom said to tell my new employers, this: "Tell them that transportation is either bussable or usable." She burst out lauging, we both burst out laughing, we shared and savored our laughter together. It was a very "us" moment. Or shall I say....a very "usable" moment? Goodnight. Good dreams thoughts to all.

Life's tidbits

2008-10-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

Today a few simple things happened. I went to Powell's bookstore with my family in the evening. We ate at Roxy's, a place we've only been to with my elder sister, Jasmine. Mom and I sat at the table tonight, recalling that dinner. Particularly, we remembered a game of cards we'd all shared. It was one of the few games and connections Jasmine and I had had since our move 7 years ago. Therefore, it was a notable experience. At Powell's, I read the most recently released volume in third favorite manga series. Black Sun, Silver Moon. It was fantastic, and provided many writing ideas for me. I had a SAR call, but can't attend. It's for a recovery mission tomorrow, (deceased subject) and ropes will have to be used, because the body is in a complicated location up in the mountains. I wish I could participate. It would be an educating experience. I am reading Go Ask Alice as part of my homework assignment this month. It's very good, and different from most of everything else I've read. Goodnight readers!

Bits and pieces

2008-10-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, computers. Ah, technology. Ah, the changing of the times. Ah, smartness and quick wit. Today, my mom called me while I was out with my friend, and while she and I chitchatted, all of a sudden she starts cursing up a storm. I ask her what's wrong, and she moans out the words, "I was writing a blog entry, the longest I've ever written, and I just clicked backwards by accident, and all the words are gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Okay, so she didn't use THAT many exclamation marks. But she was frustrated, therefore Nicole, the surprising and delightful daughter of Tamra, the great authoress, came to the rescue of her distraught mother! I informed her that Blogspot, unlike most other blogs, automatically saved your blog entry every couple of seconds. Surprised, yet hopeful, my lovely mother followed my instructions and I got her into the spot where she could post her saved blog entry. She was mighty thankful for her daughter's assistance. (I was thankful for hers today too, she got me out of a meeting with a friend that I didn't want to be part of anymore. She's good at that.) Onto another story of Nicole's-computer-heroics. Although, this is not so impressive. I set up a group of Facebook. AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I know, terrible, Devil's work, voodoo stuff, right, but hear me out. It was for NBTSC campers, who were also writers. Poetry, books, short stories, whatever suited them, they were invited. Now for a bit of my mother's writing-heroics. I couldn't come up with a name for said Facebook site, so I asked mother-genuis upstairs. She supplied several genuis ideas, such as these: Caterwauling Campers. Colloquial Campers. Concentrating, Communicating Campers. Narrative NBTSCers. There were others, but due to my mother's odd sense of humor, they are unfit for posting. (She's got a dirty mind sometimes....and it may be genetic, not sure about this yet....will report on this later) She informs me, once I thank her profusely and marel at her creative genuis, that she is using a vocabulary book. I request use of it. (well, she forces it upon me as a learning oppertunity, and I accept it before she hits me over the head) I try different things, such as these: Whimsical Writers. Warrior Writers. Wander Writer. Writer Warrent. Writers Whine. Witness Writer. Writers Winter. Wicked Writers. And last, one of my favorites, (but wasn't picked) finger vocals. However, after being very tired of looking at the W column, my eyes, (of their own accord, I swear!) slide sideways, into the last part of the column, where the word, "WORDS" lies. My eyes (once again, of their own accord) slide to the left, where they find the word "Weathered." And such is the way I decided the websites title! Weathered Words. (Later, mom suggested the word "whether," rather than "weather," so I might change it. I'm still trying to decide which I like more.) It was an exciting experience and an enjoyable teamworking session with my mom. (who still remains the house-genius!)

odds and ends

2008-10-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

Working backwards seems to be the best way I write. After many blog entries, I've come to finally realize this. With this realization, I can now jump into blogging without a worry to keeping things in order. Today I met with another friend, and yes, dear readers, it went as well as the last several have gone. With Dimitri, With Melia. With those idiots that I keep asking out. I met with Everett today. He's a friend who went to Alabama with Americorps last year, and returned at the end of last August. I haven't really seen him, and every time we talk on the phone, he sounds depressed. He uses a monotone, without emotion, compassion or expression at all. I pointed this out to him, and what he did do? "Hmmm." He murmured nonchalantely. "Interesting." AHHHHHHHHH. So I met with him today and was so very frustrated. To start with, we had a heated debate as our first conversation. And it came down to this. Back on the day that I went to a teens dance and saw lots of teens at the edges, looking lonely and outcast, I brought them together, creating the group that lasted many years, and only now, in 2008, has finally broken apart. (Ha, its amusing. I was the creator, and almost the destroyer as well) According to Everett, I should never had done that. By bringing those people together, by "reaching out to those who were lonely," I took away their oppertunity to grow, their chance to take that effort themselves. Great. So he believes that creation of this group was a mistake and that the mistake was mine? That makes me feel just wonderful. I swear....lately all I hear from these people is blame. "Nicole made the group too official, she gave it a name, a website and too much structure. Nicole is too controlling, she issued us all T-shirts with the groups name on them, and uses far instills far too many rules." Well, let's see. This is also the Nicole who, once she stopped hosting and organizing, the group fell apart. They said they wanted an organizer who didn't make a website, give it a title, structure and T-shirts? (WHICH ALL CAME FROM MY PARENTS BY THE WAY! And did we get an OUNCE of thanks? No, sir, we did not!) And guess what? They said they wanted those things, said that's how they wanted this group of friends to be, so I stepped down and said, "ok, go ahead. Show me just exactly what you want this group to be." And what happened? Well, we sure as hell ain't meeting. Most members don't even talk to each other. Do we have outings? No. Do we call each other? No. Are we better off? I sure don't think so. But hey, that's just me! Everett's blame on me for drawing people together hurt me more than almost anything he's said before. I wanted to cry, right there in the middle of downtown Portland, surrounded by people and alongside a boy who was slowly loosing more and more of my respect. I don't think I will ever forget. Maybe I'll forgive one day, but I'll never forget. I sat up tonight on the couch writing letters. Oh, the glory of writing with a pen and not a keyboard. Well, personally, I prefer the keyboard, but I feel that the receivers will take a letter more seriously than an email. I know I am delighted when I get a letter! So I sat down and wrote five letters to campers from NBTSC. They'll go out in tomorrow's mail. I'm excited for the responses! I got a package in the mail today from another NBTSC friend. His name is Zen, and he is the lead singer for his band, "Please Do Not Fight." He is having a concert in Portland, even though he doesn't live here. And despite the fact I can't go, (21 and up, since they'll be serving alcohalic drinks) I asked if he could send me flyers and I'd post them around town. I got his band's CD free for my efforts, a gift I was not expecting but was delighted to receive. (I posted one flyer in Lucky Lab tonight, when my family ate there. We love their pizza, which is saying something for me, since I don't like pizza. They also have a fantastic sandwish, the Rose Garden. Delicious!) NaNoWriMo is starting soon. (That's National Novel Writing Month for those of you who don't know. It's writing a 50 thousand word novel in the month of November. It's very exciting.) This will be my third year participating. I've won the past two, and last year I even did double the required word count, because I decided to do two novels! (My family and friends thought I was nuts, but I showed them! Now they just know I'm insane, but that I am aware of my level of sanity...or lack thereof, and can act upon it with this knowledge in mind...if that made any sense at all!) This year is a novel the plot for which I dreamt up last year. I've been thinking about it since then, plotting and planning, and now its all come to fruition. Here is the synopsis if anyone is interested: Title: Battle Scars: Raised in a kingdom, where his every whim is every other person’s task; raised in a castle, where his affection is as desperately sought as his mercy, there is a king. Spoiled at birth as royal children often are, Gloomshayne isn’t selfish and nor is he greedy. Raised under a father who’d dedicate his life to his son for the mere pleasure of it; raised under a mother whose only touch and words were to rear him to replace her, he grew up to be kind. He is tenacious in his leniency, bountiful in his compassion. He sets the lives of his kingdom above his own, and spends more nights in his village, than he does in his castle. He is a warrior. He has been trained to the highest ability, putting into his arsenal sword-fighting, hand-hand combat, archery, and bareback horse riding. All these teachings were in preparation for the possibility of war, a possibility never believed until it stepped up to the king, and stole him away. Once he fights his way back to his kingdom, he discovers war has fallen upon it. When the opportunity to ask the opposition why, he is met with the terrible answer of religion. Christianity fighting to smother the Goddess, that is the war. 14 years of battle follow, but the bloodshed and slaughter upon the field grays in comparison to that which goes on in the castle. Gloomshayne fights the loss of family, friend, and child. His brother in-all-but-blood is the only one to stop his descent into despair, but it was a dying battle, the one within him, and the one waging on the battlefield. It's going to be good, I'm sure of it! It's mostly focusing on male friendship, and sometimes what a friendship has to suffer in order to survive. I'll keep you updated throughout November as to its progress and any revelations that might come up along my noveling journey.

Jobs, meets, and teenage ignorance.

2008-10-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start with teenage ignorance. When I say this, I refer to the fact I've frequently noted about guys. They talk about them. And now, over the last couple of weeks, I've grown to realize that it isn't just them. It's teens in general. They have to talk about themselves, they have to have somebody listen, hear who they are and what are they doing. Its not unusual. Everybody has these desires, but one has to possess enough maturity to go beyond this. I have recently seen all my friends do this. We talk on the phone and if I'm not asking questions about them, the conversation falls dead. It's frustrating. And it's not as if I'm ignorant enough to know that I don't do it too. Sure, my parents are patient and don't point it out. Sure, my brothers are kind enough to either not notice it, or they don't see it at all. My friends, of course, are talking about themselves too often for me to have a Chance to talk about ME too much. My parents are kind enough to not admit it, but I'm sure I talk about myself a lot, perhaps more than I should. And being a teenager is not a vindicating excuse. I met with my third ex-boyfriend last Friday. It was raining, so Dimitri and I spent most of our time in Powell's bookstore and then in Lloyd Center mall. We met up with an old friend too, Travis. (He's the gay friend I've mentioned in the past. We don't talk much anymore) It was a good meet over all, except for two things: (1) Dimitri didn't eat. Apparently, he is trying to conserve his money and so he wasn't planning to have lunch. This is okay with me. I have no quarrels on this. What I do have one with, however, is that he didn't tell me beforehand. Are you comfortable with eating with someone whose not? (2) I would often have to remind myself he's my ex-boyfriend, because I can't complain about my romantic troubles to him. I made this mistake a couple times and backed myself into corners. I sent out an email a couple days ago to the homeschool organizations, saying that I am a teenager considering several trips in the coming year, and need to be saving funds. Therefore, I was offering my skills as a Office organizer, as well skills in data entry and online research. I got a good five replies. So far, I have spent an afternoon going through busy neighborhoods and dropping off fliers for a new music school opening up. I was paid a dollar per stop, which isn't much worth it now, but down the line, when the other businesses she said were interested join too, I could start making a pretty penny. I got paid 58 dollars that day for that job. Tomorrow I meet with Tracy, a woman who needs help moving in, keeping her kids entertained and even a little assistance homeschooling. Not bad. (around minimum wage for this) I'll keep you posted on the other jobs. Oh, and the day I came back from meeting Dimitri, mom surprised me by picking me up. We went to Hallmark, looked at cards for as long as wanted without male-pressure. We enjoyed ever second of it, just as we did during our grocery shopping that followed. It was a wonderful surprise. I love time with her. More later, P.S. I have started two new books, one is the Host, and the other is an online comic named "Masque of the Red Death." Oh, and I am also reading the last book by one of my favorite authors. The book is WyvernHail.

2008-10-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Had the first real SAR meeting tonight. Over the last two open houses, only one of which I attended due to that wedding, we had 150 sign up. However, at the first meeting last night, (Wednesday) we got maybe 45. That was dissapointing. You see, right after the first training outing at the end of this month, that number will be cut in half. With 22 people (yeah, yeah, and a half. I know) by the time we get to certification next June, it'll be cut in half again. Only 11 people at the maximum will cross the finish line. In my year of training, I believe 8 people attempted at certifying, and only 5 out of that eight made it. (including myself! Boom baby!) I was really hoping for lot's of people. That's the biggest reason I am sticking with this. I am excited to teach and assist the new people with their learning. I want a big team to take care of, and I also....I also feel this is my chance to gain respect, which is something I believe I haven't come to own yet. (Yeah, it's been 12 months. I know) During the meeting last night, I felt pretty much useless. I was a person who stood there, ready to answer questions if I needed to, but that was it. I told two Search stories to the recruits when we had a couple extra minutes, but that was it. Sigh. Frustrating. However, I did decide to give the reference form I needed filled out....to Brandon. I have some issues with Brandon, which any member of my family could tell you. He yells at me all the damned time, gets pissed easily and when you ask questions like, "What time is it?" He says, "whatever time it is." Or if you ask where something is, he says, "look around." If you ask how long until we arrive to our destination, he says, "eventually." THESE ANSWERS DRIVE ME NUTS! But I decided to give him my reference form for the Teen Crisis Hotline, as a show of respect perhaps. He took it and slid into his binder, saying he'd do it, though I didn't see any real interest. (note....Teen Crisis Hotline is for troubled teens to call into and ask advice on relationship problems, abuse, suicide, and so on. I needed two reference letters to hand in with my application. Susan V gave me on, and whew! I am thankful. She gives me such praises, besides my mother, (who always does) Susan is the best at giving me compliments and making me blush!) As to the "boy subject..." Here's the good news: I asked out four boys in the month of September and attempted to ask out two others. Two haven't been replying to my emails. One was too self-absored to deal with. And two showed absolutely no interest in me. (Wait till I tell you about the "pie" of that incident!) And the last was too recent to know, but I haven't gotten anything from him yet. I asked out two boys (I think I told you about them already readers.....Jaeden and Carey?) and then I asked out a boy in a bookstore, who was absolutely gorgeous. Named Ahren, he is a musician, journalist, song-writer, and poet. I've gotten one reply, which was two lines all run together, compared to my 15 question email, all gearing towards him. He asked not a word about me, and gave me nothing to continue email communication about. I met a boy in a Starbucks a couple nights back, when Caspian and my mom went to see a concert together in Kelso. (yeah, I know Kelso is hell and gone from Portland, but SO WHAT! He was hot. That's all that matters.) He worked behond the counter at Starbucks, had a gorgeous smile and voice, and when I found out he was only 18, (compared to the 24 I had suspected) I knew I just couldn't let him go. I gave one of the other girls behind the counter my buisness card so she could give it to him. No reply from him (Cody) yet. I was in another coffee shop the day before yesterday and saw two cute boys go in just as I came out to bring the parents their drinks. (Mom had waited in the car, dad was with me) They both, of course, told me to go back in. I didn't too much nudging. Maybe a little. But I went in. The two boys were obviously friends and were sitting at the computer in the coffeshop. I couldn't figure out how to get their attention off the screen and onto me. SO, buying something to eat like I planned, I bought.... Yep, you guessed it. Pie. Cherry pie. A brilliant idea hit me all at once!!!!!!! I asked the man behind the counter to cut it in half and put it on two plates. I went over to the boys and said, "hey guys, would you like to share a piece of pie with me?" They said, "oh sure!" took the piece of pie and.....went right back to the computer screen. As I asked at least 8 questions about them and their interests, they talked to each other about the motorcycles that were on the computer screen. They gave me one and two word answers to my questions, and get this? At the end of their pie, THEY HANDED ME BACK THE DAMNED PLATE TO TAKE BACK TO THE COUNTER. Did they say thank you? No. Did they give me another look? No. Did they introduce themselves or ask for my name? No. Did they ask me anything? No. Did they look at me? No. Were they worth it? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. How do I keep getting only stupid boys? Oh, I got a letter from a friend at NBTSC today. Her name is Nadine. It seems she is missing camp just as much as me. It is nice to have a friend with whom I share common ground. I don't have a lot of those these days. Camp friends and my family keep me going and happy, but I don't have a lot of complaints about that!

2008-09-26T03:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day and an even longer night. I stayed up till four in the morning with my mom because she was pulling a late-nighter in order to finish and send in a book she'd been hired to do. Today was an ordinary day, despite it's beautiful unique-ness. (ha ha, I laugh at my redundancy) I started putting together a SAR scrapbook. Went to a Office supply store that was closing, and so it was having a huge sale. Mom and I found fountain pens. We were sure excited! Dad and my brothers thought we were a bit kookoo (however you spell that) when they saw us, but they usually think that anyway. Had lunch at the sixth street Goodwill, our family favorite. I found a gorgeous green dress that I may use for my halloween costume and mom found lot's of books for an upcoming job involving passages. In the cafa where we eat, there was a woman who told my parents, "I admire your children and how well behaved they are." It was very kind of her to say and my parents were quite pleased. Last note, (my mom just said "bedtime" so I am rushing now!) My mom and I went to a play tonight. It's called Menopause the Musical, and we saw it in downtown Portland. It was absolutely hysterical. I also missed going places with just my mom. For some reason, those moments don't come as often as they used to. Therefore I cherish them all the more. She's my best friend. Alrighty, it's 4:03. Off to bed with us sleepy bitches.

A wedding

2008-09-24T00:33:00.001-07:00

Don't laugh at me! I know I'm writing about an event from last Wednesday. I know it's silly. I know I should have written it THEN. SO STOP FRIGGIN LAUGHING AT ME MOM! Anyway, I went to a wedding with my family for a friend of my mom's from when she worked at Borders a long time that she doesn't really remember that well but still wanted to go to be nice and because she thought it would be a good experience for us kids. (GASP) All in all, it was a dreamy experience for me. It was in the Crown Ballroom in downtown Portland. It was so fairytale-like. The dresses, the decorations, the dancing and dining. The walking down the asile, (can't ever spell that word) the music, the pictures, the drinks.... The I Do's. I could see myself walking it. I could see myself saying the words, I could see my family and parents there and my friends as my bride's maids.....just the face of the groom was blank. Every thing else had a face and an armful of girly details. It was dreamy.

Dinners

2008-09-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

Went to a dinner tonight with a pair of friends, named Jamie and Chris. It was a good evening, but it reminds me also of the differences between certain families and others. Sure, my parents and I got along with Chris and Jamie wonderfully. Sure, Caspian meshed with their 8 year old son, Nathan greatly! Poor Coryn was bored and had to read through most of it. When Nathan was asleep, Caspian tried to join the adult conversation. Chris and Jamie never asked me, or my brothers a single question. It was interesting.

Patty melts, pain in the asses, and difficult decisions.

2008-09-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

I'm really enjoying coming up with random and strange titles for my blog posts....but I imagine you readers have already noticed that. Oddly enough, the subjects I used for this title work backwards. So it is with the "difficult decisions" that I shall start. I am contemplating leaving SAR. That may be a shocking statement to some of you, but its true. It's been on my thoughts for a few weeks, and apparently, it's been on my parents minds too. I didn't want to mention it for various reasons. I was unsure. I felt guilty for giving up something I'd so much of my time, money and effort into. I felt it would be giving up. If I left SAR.....I wouldn't have anything else to do. I'm not taking any classes. I'm not having any social meet-ups. I don't GO anywhere, for the most part. It's okay, mostly. I love time with my family. Every time I leave, I always want to go home again....but the idea of leaving SAR and never going anywhere at all? I need busyness. I need trips and adventure. I need chaos and action. I am basing much of my "difficult decision" upon how well I get along with the people in SAR in the coming month. The "dues" (payments) for SAR are due at the end of October. Let's see how I am doing then. Recently, I told my friend Melia, (I used to call her Cat on here, but who the hell cares if I use her real name? She would care, but who cares about that anyway?) I told her about the difficult decision I was considering. What did she come back with? "Nicole, have you noticed that you constantly give up on things, not because of the work, but due to the people? You say you love the place, the work, the activities, but you can't stand the company." I see her point of view, and I do know to what she refers to. She refers to two camps I gave up because I STRONGLY dissaproved of those staffing them. (Ask me about THOSE stories sometime, or better yet, ask my parents!) She refers to the two trips I used to take with friends but am slowly leaving, due to the point that I can't stand the parents who come along on them. She refers, especially, to the group of friends to which we both used to belong......the SG-1. I don't meet with those people anymore, because I can't stand them. They're offensive to me often, and generelly their personalities just don't mesh with mine. So as you can see, I understand her point of view, but you know what? That's not what I needed from her. I needed to confide this issue with her and have her say "damn Nicole. That sounds hard. I'm so sorry. Tell me more about how you came to this way of thinking." But did she? No. No, NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No. She didn't ask me for more information. She just took what I told her and judged it. AND HEY! Wait one-cotten-picking minute! Wasn't it her who said she didn't want to be judged by ME when we had a serious conversation about our friendship a couple weeks ago? Wasn't it HER saying SHE didn't want to be JUDGED by ME? Isn't there something wrong with this picture, or is it just me? Damn it. So, already upset and emotional, you know what she does at the end of the phone call? She says, "hey, there's someone on the other line." She leaves, comes back and says, "Oh, it's my boyfriend. Gotta go. BYE!" THAT'S FRIGGIN IT! Ditching me for him, that's what it sounds like, and she says that at the end of every one of our phone calls. Now thuroughly emotional and pissed, I need somebody to talk to. I call my friend Everett, the only other person outside my family I feel I can confide in. Guess what? His brother (who just happens to be my friend Melia's boyfriend) recently lost his cell phone, and is using Everett's. Just friggin wonderful. So I look to two other people for help. My friend Ari and my other friend Libby. The first isn't online, the second is. (Now for a two-liner background....Libby and I have talked for two years by IM. She is from Not back to School Camp, and has confided in me lot's of times. Done.) So I tell her about my trouble, and what does she do? That all time no-no that guys do. SHE wants to talk about HER. She turns the conversation into being about her. SIGH. Onto a happier topic. PATTY MELTS. So, this morning I come upstairs to merely check on my mom. You know, in and out in two minutes. Hi and hello's, I love you's and I love you too's. But no. No way. Instead, I sit with her. She gets an email with a Youtube link. You know where this is going don't cha? We open it. We like it. We find another link. We like it. We end up at a Kenny Loggins site with video. We look up picture with Kenny Loggins. We find ourselves at a David Cassidy site. We go look up pictures of David Cassidy. All in all, I'm there for 30 damned minutes!! Mom says this only happens when I visit her. he he hehe..... Oh, and the justification for patty melts? There was an advertizment for one in the Kenny Loggins video, so my mom had a craving. After the 30 minutes with her on the internet, we left for lunch. Guess what kind of food we were looking for? Yep. You know what I mean.

Boys, parking, and heroin

2008-09-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Several days ago, I went to Borders bookstore with my family. I saw a gorgeous boy in the manga section. (Manga--Japanese comic books) Dark hair to his shoulders, mysterious aura, and I was just sure he'd have a pretty smile if I got the chance to see it. I wandered back over to where my mom was sitting, and since she is always wonderful, wise and all knowing, (as mothers are, but mine is even better) once I told her of the boy I'd seen, she said, "go talk to him." So I stalked him. Fifteen minutes, I followed him from manga display to manga display. (He probably thought I was weird...but he's not the only one who thinks that!) Finally, I talked to him. We got into a conversation and at the end of it, I asked for his email. His name is Jeaden. I am sick and tired of putting the ball in the "guy's" court. They don't have a clue what to do with it!!!!!!!! How many times have I given cute guys my number on a piece of paper, my email on a napkin, and don't hear a word? Well, enough times to end any further effort. The ball stays in my court. I request email and number from THEM. If they aren't interested, they can either say no or tell me through the further contact we'll share. We left Borders and went to pick up my brothers from their Gaming place around the corner. In front of the building, sat a cute guy. Well, what do you expect? After some gentle parental encouragement, I hop out and go talk to the boy. Five minutes, (during which my parents are kindly circling the block.....they're so cool) and I've requested his email. His name is Carey. Today is Sunday. Last Friday, I had a date with Jaeden. I was so nervous going in.....I was damned near shaking! My opinion on the date has changed over the past several days. Right after the end of the date, I was very negative. I felt this dooming feeling come over me. At the time, I could not see the good parts of the date. He has beautiful blue eyes. He thinks he's had multiple encounters with ghosts. He's gorgeous. He wants to be a psychologist. He lives near me. He's getting his license. He's only 19. He's graduated from school. He likes manga. There wasn't any silences. No awkwardness. He paid for my drink in the coffeeshop. All good points right? Yeah, they are, but I couldn't see that then. He didn't talk about me. Not one single bit. I tried many times to mention things about me, Search and Rescue, horror movies I liked, working with Habitat for Humanity, my college experience and future plans. He ignored them all. Moved right on by them like they hadn't been spoken. It was frustrating. Yeah, this was the only downside, but it feels important to me. Not just a small thing I can get past. Now I CAN see past it. I see all the good things. Jaeden has emailed me, saying he enjoyed our meeting and would like to meet again. I sent back a polite response of, "I had a good time too and would be happy to meet again, but since I learned a lot about you, what do you think of learning a bit about me?" I thought it was kind, yet got the point across. We'll try a second time. If he doesn't change, then that's it. Onto Parking. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Search and Rescue, in the past, keeps calling its numbers in for different fairs and carnivals, in order to have us organize parking for their large parking lots. They stand us at a intersection and say "organize." Then our directors leave, saying, "see you tonight!" There's nothing in the lot, nothing. There are three people, and one intersection. The exit is also the entrance, and the roads to two other lots flow right into the same entrance/exit road. In essence, that's four different directions of traffic running into the same place. That was one of the most hectic and stressful days of my life. Which is why when I volunteered this weekend to work.....if I'd known it was "parking" I wouldn't have gone, but me being silly, I didn't ASK what I was volunteering for, I just volunteered. I found out it was parking, but now I was committed. I took Caspian with me and when we got there, I found out the work was to be ten times easier than the LAST time we did parking. This time all we did was stand in a oneway intersection and point, "yes, this way to the parking lot that you can clearly see from two blocks away. YES, I know there are arrows pointing this direction. YES, we know there are signs saying "HANDICAPPED" and yes, we're standing here anyway." Pointless. Pointless. Pointless. BUT we're getting paid for our time, money which will be dedicated to purchasing better gear for the Unit, and improving our recruiting for future years. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I got home yesterday from a very long day doing that parking and it did have its interesting bits. There was a drunk guy at 9PM, saying he'd found a guy who'd fallen and now had a bleeding whole in his head. I'm done and good with all that now though. I'm tired and would LOVE never to do that again. Except, I had to do it all again the next day. Why? Because I volunteered my weekend without knowing what for. I didn't want to, OH, how I didn't want to, but I'm mature enough to know that sometimes you must do what you don't want to. I'm mature enough to know this is my duty, part of what I signed on for. I committed my time to this and therefore I have a responsability. I didn't go. It was hard for me to justify it. I felt guilty and a little bit of shame, but mom (you remember that wonderful, wise and allknowing woman I mentioned?) she talked and comforted me, as always. She explained that I dedicated more of my time to this organization than most others. That I usually came through for things, almost always answered my phone for calls, and volunteered my time and missed things just so I could "fufill my duty." I feel a bit better now. Oh, better go. The heroin wings (chicken wings with AWESOME seasonings) are almost done. Until another time,

2008-09-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

So how do I sum up two months in a single entry? I don't. But you know what I can sum up in one entry? Why I finally started writing this thing again. Do you not find it ironic that it is the daughter who persuaded the mother to get an online blog, but it is the mother who nags the daughter into constant updates? Yes, my mother's lovely nagging, the fact that SHE updates at LEAST once a week.....all of these points have gone into the power of this entry. Instead of my blood and tears, it is for my minds sake that I write this. For the peace, for the quiet, for the end of the constant checking..... Don't get me wrong. I want to do this. I do! But....I think I need somebody behind me, kicking me in the butt every now and then. And who better than a mother? It's what I got, and its worked pretty well so far. (I'm writing here again aren't I?) So where to begin....where to begin the update of my two month long absence? Perhaps I should begin yesterday and work my way back? Yes, this sounds like a perfectly pleasing place to start. Yesterday was my first full day back from NBTSC. (Not Back to School Camp--aka, a homeschooling/unschooling camp in Eugene) I got a callout from Search and Rescue at 7am, but slept right through it. (I had set it on a low ringer setting the day before, when coming home on the bus so I wouldn't wake other sleeping campers. I'd forgotten to turn it up again.) Anyway, I missed the call, and when I called back, my director was snippy with me. "You told me you said you'd have your phone on you at all times. What happened?" Isabel demanded of me when we spoke. I apologized, for I had said I would keep my cell close from now on, since I'd just been gone two weeks at camp. It made me feel bad though. It was the nature of the call that I also hated that I'd missed. You might have seen it online. Two people were hit by a train in the Fairview Oregon area. The train driver said he'd seen someone on the tracks, and a second person trying to pull them off. He hit at least one, perhaps both. My SAR team was being called into....."pick up the pieces." Already the first victim had been located. It was the second that my SAR team found....well, they found "some" of them. When I received the information on the call (late as I was recieving it) we were warned of the grusome task this would prove to be. Speaking to my mom later, I wonder how I would have reacted. I have already faced my first dead body through SAR, but by the time I had arrived at the scene for that mission, the body had been bagged. I'd known nothing of the victim and wouldn't be meeting the family. I hadn't seen anything, so dealing with it was easy. This would have been different, I'm sure. As mom said, "it wouldn't have been a good experience, but it would have been an educating one." She's right. I'd also like to believe, had I attended the mission, that my sense of duty would have gotten me through the gorey factor. In the past, when I have a duty to fufill, my exhaustion hasn't stopped me. I wonder, now, if it would have been the same with this mission? Another reason why I felt SAR was unhappy with me, was that Brandon, (the other director) had left me two messages, demanding why I hadn't picked up my supeona. Before camp, he'd called and told me I needed to pick it up. THEN he'd called and said he'd accidently taken it with him, rather than leave it at the Sheriff's Office for me to pick up. He SAID he would CALL ME when he dropped it off. I left for camp two days later, and he hadn't called. I'd told him I was leaving and for how long. However, upon returning, I had two snippy messages demanding why I hadn't picked it up. I called him, said I thought there was a misunderstanding, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Grrrr. Being home has been nice, besides these two factors. I've hung with mom. I gave her an MnM smile. (Otherwise referred to as me putting MnM's on her lips while she tries not to smile and laugh and make them fall off. It usually doesn't work.....) I spent most of last night just hanging with her and dad. Today she and I watched a VERY sad movie, called FAIL SAFE. THE GOOD GUYS DIED. Grrr. (Lot's of grr's today huh?) Then we watched Jeff Dunham. That was happier and was better at "laughter inducing." I am trying to prepare for NaNoWriMo in November. (Long story short.....its a writing contest. One month, 30 days, to write a 50 thousand word novel. Period. Lot's of fun!) I need a plot. I don't know what I am working on....or if....god forbid....I do two novels again and twice the required wordcount. (I think mom would do something terrible to me.....) I AM FRICKING SINGLE. STILL SINGLE. ALONE. KISSLESS. EMBRACELESS. MIDNIGHT-CALLESS. AND IT FRICKING SUCKS. More later,

SAR, boys and other fun

2008-07-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

My family and I got back from our vacation last Sunday. It's wonderful to be back. Our own beds, our pillows, our friends and restaurants....let me tell you, as we were pulling in towards the house, the family was counting the minutes. The cat missed us. She's being real "pet me, pet me" since we got home. Copper (our dog) has kept her company since we got back, not that Hekate appreciates this all that much. The vacation was wonderful, though more a mission than a vacation. Going through my grandma's house was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I cried, which I hadn't thought I would. I would have cried more, but my youngest brother was there. I don't cry well in front of people other than my parents. Although I do consider the showing of tears as a strength, in myself I find it almost impossible to follow this belief. I am glad I was present though. I wanted to be support for my mom....and, I didn't realize until I arrived there just how important it was to me to be involved. There were particular things I wanted, but....I also wanted to see it one more time, feel the memories, drown in them a bit. I sure did cry. (mom told me later she appreciated that. It's been food for thought since.) The memories came in whirlwinds at times, in ebb and flows at other times. It was a wonderful experience, and one I hope to hang onto for a long time. I am so grateful to my parents for making the trip possible. I've been writing Van, a close friend of Shayne's, the man my mom has been writing for 25 years who is a inmate in prison. Van and I get along real well so far. I sent him multiple postcards while on the road. Had a SAR misson this morning. The call came in at 7:30. Since I am now an ATL (Assistant Team Leader) and my TL (Team leader) was still on vacation, I did callouts. (calling the team) It was a recovery mission. Somebody had phoned in they found a skeleton up at Multnomah Falls. We went up there, but found it a false alarm. Animal bones instead. I hate to say it, but I was dissappointed. Tonight my family and I went to Borders bookstore. Sitting at our usual table in the cafe, (boys and I reading various manga, parents reading other various things.....) I immediatly noticed the circle of boys sitting at the table across the room from us. They sat in a circle, playing Risk. I watched them, all older teens or early 20's, half mexican and the other white. Some were cute, the others geeky. (or just not my type) but there was this one guy. He was mexican, had a bandana on, and a nice voice. Then he talked to me. He called to my parents, saying that he'd seen us here before, loads of times. He introduced himself as Jason. Dad introduced my parents and I, but it was my name he made a point of hearing, and which he later remembered, as he headed out with his friends. The greatest thing? He glanced back at me before he went around the corner, even as he thought I wasn't looking. No boy has ever done that to my knowledge. I watch them walk out of sight. I glance back before the corner. But them? No way. Except this one. Justin. Maybe I'll see him again someday.... Three days ago, I was sitting at my computer and saw that Cat was on IM. (Instant Messenger) I'd seen her on lot's in the past, had a seconds hesitation, and then let it go. This time I brought up the box, typed in a short "hey there" message, and then paused. My finger hovered over "send" with nervousness. I sent it. She wasn't there. An hour and a half later, (I was staying up late (till 3 AM) while I read my favorite series, Dragon Knights, since the new one just came out, and I am reading the previous ones first) and she messaged back. We talked an hour, but it wasn't easy talk. It was easy for the "chit chatty parts," but then we started talking about our friendship and what had died. In the end, I am glad we talked. But somehow, (and I haven't admitted this to many) I feel like she made it sound like it was my fault we stopped talking. That she wanted to contact me, but wanted to let me "cool off first," and "decide to start talking to her again." I told this to mom. She said it wasn't my fault, but that I had made a decision. In Cat's own words, "you've always been good at sticking to your decisions." Tonight, we spoke again by IM. We've arranged to meet tomorrow. My stomach is full of butterflies, my mind full of nervousness and awkwardness. Another thing she told me that night, was that if we wanted to try and make this work again, I had to work for a friendship with the "new Cat," and now the "old Cat." She wants to me work for a new friendship, with this new girl, and not cling to what we used to have. I never realized this. I never realized I wouldn't get the old her back. I always thought when she stopped dating the guy she is now, she'd revert back to her old self. I thought we'd mend our friendship then, and everything would be good. Now I've realized, like a soft slap in the face, that that girl is gone. I can't have her back. I have to make due with this girl....the one who doesn't dress up like we used to, or look for the magic in things. I never thought this would happen, and what's worst is that I know a lot of it came my actions. She started dating him with my prompting. Could I have avoided this? Do I wish I had? No, I don't. (sigh) It's shaped her into who she is, and you know what? She's happy, and as I told her, that's what counts. She's happy, and that's all I've ever wanted for her, that's all two best friends ever wish for each other. I can't wish for the return of the girl before her boyfriend. It would be like her wishing for the return of the Nicole before Search and Rescue. It's happened. It's shaped me, and I'm happy. I don't know this girl. I know the old her, which lies in her somewhere, but its blended with this one. I have to get to know this girl, her personality, just as she has to get to know me. Because you know what? I'm different too. We both need to rearn the other's trust.

Random bits of excitements

2008-06-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

Vacation is approaching. We leave this Thursday for part 1 of it, and then part 2 starts on Monday. We'll be home one night, in order to switch the bags, do a few loads of laundry, and repack the car. Excitement is building for all of us, my parents and my brothers and me. A lot is coming, hard stuff, good stuff, stuff that lies in the middle. I got to go to mom's swim class last Monday. I realized it's much harder than I thought. I was pretty much exhausted by the end. I have to give her more credit for doing these things. I got a sopenea (I got called to testify in court) it's for a OLCC trial, but its during vacation, so I can't make it. I'm not sure yet if they'll move it, or have it without me. I am a very key role, since only one person other than me saw what happened, and he was standing pretty far away. (Wouldn't that be cool? Have to move a trial just for me?) Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. This may seem like a random bit of information, but whenever I get to spend time with mom, I believe it's worth mentioning. Just finished a very good book. It was called the "World as we Knew it." It was a disaster novel, where a comit hits the moon just slightly closer to earth, causing the tides to flood inland over three miles, causing dormant volcanos to start shooting off their tops constantly, making earthquakes daily, and ash to block out the sun. It's about a family living in one room inside their house with their wood stove, trying to live out lack of water, food, and warmth, and hope. It's a great book. I would recommend it to any Young Adult readers. I went with my SAR team to Walmart a couple days ago, where we did some demonstrations of what we do. We were trying to get recruits for next September. A reporter showed up, and I happily got interviewed. I was then showed on the 5:00 news. VERY exciting. Then we got a call, and we zoomed off to an Evidence Search for a nearby homicide. It was so odd, standing on a street where everyone whispered and stayed inside their houses. (We weren't allowed to let the reporters know anything) We went out for pizza after that, since we spent two hours thrawshing our way through ten foot tall raseberry bushes. (SO many thorns!) Walking in to Godfathers pizza, there our team is, on the news. I'm on the news twice in one day! So exciting. Today I am going to make a SAR presentation at a girl scout troop, led by a very close friend of my mom's. She has been really good my mom, being there for her when she needed her, and I am happily doing a presentation for the GS troop. I'll bring my pack, my gear and answer questions. I believe it'll be very fun. Off I go now. Hopefully the next post won't take near as long.

Crazyness

2008-06-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

Oh, an idle life is not one for me. I always need to be busy in one way or another. My week needs to be kept busied. I need routines and ventures out of the house. I need scheduling and phone calls. I need incoming emails and letters. I need constant "newness." My life has so many things that make me happy right now. My parents, the way they raised me and the life choiced they made, it has given me the chance to have so many more experiences than any teenager I've ever met has had. I am now a certified Search and Rescue Worker. I go to the ceremony to make it official this evening. I will be an Assistant Team leader to one of my comrades when the next recruitment training year starts. He could have chosen anybody, yet he chose me. I went on my first Search last weekend. Though my team wasn't the one to find the missing hiker, I still played a part and kept up. I am about to start working alongside Habitat for Humanity again. I did it for two years in the past, and look forward to being involved once more, at a closer location at that! It is a place where I am known and respected by the highest of ranks. I know the routine and I fall into it like a perfect puzzle piece. I am going to start Spanish and ASL classes in the fall. I think I want to be an Interpretter as my life's occupation, since SAR didn't work out. I've heard a person can earn a good income from it, since the field isn't that full right now. It can give me the chance to travel, see the world, meet new people. (probably going to start these classes. Not sure if doing this or NCCC yet.) Activities is keeping my life busy. it gives me a good excuse not to clean my room, and homework enough to keep my mind sharp. (SAR does that well to though) Emotionally wise, I am always improving. Today I went with mom when she got blood tests, and saw her blood drawn. I don't think I've ever seen it done. I used to be real nervous around blood, but that's fading. This is a good sign, when considering my years to come as a SAR worker! I am standing up for myself. There is a guy in SAR named Brandon. He is the highest up in the SAR ranks, so no one really opposes him. He snaps at us easily if we do something wrong, and gets pissed without a lot of provoking. I am getting better at not letting him get to me. I'm learning to stand up for myself when others in SAR get on my back about stuff, about making mistakes. Mistakes are human. I learned that early this year. I don't want to make excuses for them, but I don't want to burden myself with negative thoughts of them either. My friend Cat and I still don't talk. We've all but broken any bond we had. Her life revolves around her boyfriend and the SG-1. Finally, that group has left me alone. I am moving into a direction I like. They are still living their teenage lives, and that's okay. I'm doing that too, but in a completely different manner. I am confident she'll come back one day. The day she breaks up with him, a week or a month later...whatever it is, when that relationship ends, I know she'll come back to me. You don't know how great something is until you've lost it. You don't know how much someone means to youor supported you, until the supports are gone. And it's so good that my mom and I are so close. Without this bond, loosing Cat would be three times harder on me. I would never say, "I am only friends with mom because I have no one else." I may have no one else "close friends" wise, but that isn't why I love her so much. Mom and I's bond came before Cat, lasted during Cat, and then afterwards. My bond with her is reinforced by our bond as mother-daughter. Guys can't come between us. She won't grow up and leave me behind, because she's already there. I can only fall into better step with her, never fall behind, or skip ahead. I am always comforted by this thought, as everything about my mom comforts me. My parents left this afternoon for two hours or so, and got something for me. Mom says they stopped five different places, and that she is a genius. I wouldn't argue that point, but I am curious what spurred this thought. She also looked at something that was 300 hundred dollars. I don't blame her for not purchasing it! :) They are so kind to me. None of the things I am doing would be possible without them. I know that, which makes me thankful every day. In a week, on the 10th of this month, the last book in my favorite series of manga books come out. I've been thinking about if for seven months, since the last one came out. There is a charactor, my favorite, and the authoress has dropped several clues he might die. Having read this series of 26 books for four years, having read each volume more than seven times and having owned all of them....reading the last book will be a big thing for me. I hope it's a happy thing, not a sad one. The ceremony starts in an hour. Time to change into my uniform. Let the excitements begin! (And whatever that thing is the families giving me afterwards...)

The growls and sighs of teenhood

2008-05-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Ah, where to begin! Many things have come to pass these last couple of weeks. I have taken my SAR certification test. I find out my results tomorrow evening. I have gone to a SAR Conference in Chalan WA. I have attended the homeschool prom, been half ignored by my ex-best friend, asked 6 guys to dance, was turned down rather unkindly by three. I was asked to slow dance by the most popular/best dancer there, who I then danced with again, and handed my contact information to. But those are the happy sighs of teenhood. The happy sigh I got during certification when I realized I had passed all that they had put before me. The cheerful sigh I uttered sitting with my SAR Unit in WA, sitting with our feet in a kiddi pool in order to endure the terrible heat. The sighs I kept releasing during prom, at my courage to ask guys to dance, and then to be wonderfully, fantastically, surprisingly asked to dance. And then there are the growls. My mom played a so called "funny" on me this morning. My brother Caspian and I were chatting in the kitchen, passing by each other on our way to do some frivolous thing we'd been doing instead of our chores....when mom calls from her desk, "stand next to each other." We do so, and my suspicions have already been raised. I can tell by her tone that she has something in store for us. "Yep," she said after a few moments thought. "He is just the slightest bit taller than you." And all hell broke loose. Caspian is now prancing about the house, singing about heights. He's putting on the boots that make him taller, saying he can sit in the middle seat now instead of me, and every time he walks by my door, I'm hearing those cheerful height lyrics stringing into the air.... Pay back's a bitch mom. Ah, the growls and sighs of teenhood.

Moments to treasure

2008-05-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Life flies by faster than it should, faster than I would like it too. Caspian will surpass me in height soon enough, Coryn's brain is bigger than my own, and my friends are becoming adults in their own ways. Jobs are becoming part of their daily burdens, money is a constant concern, but their eyes haven't turned to their futures yet. Their eyes are still set in the constant now. I envy that, but not to the extent they take it. The Now is precious, something I find I too often look past when considering my life. I am approaching my fourth homeschool prom here in Portland Oregon. If you've been reading my blog long, readers, you'll already know where I stand on boys. Yes, I'm going to prom dateless. And essentially, alone in all aspecs of the word. My brother has no interest in attending, but who can blame him? His friends don't attend. His interest in girls is still in the developing stage. I am the same, except that my friends are all attending, and I don't want to speak to any of them. I wish, in a way, that my SAR friends were going. Then I would have a group of people to fall back on, but alas, they are public schoolers, and would not be permitted through the doors. SAR is everything to me these days. I just had my certification test last weekend. It went well. I passed practically everything they put in front of me, even if I didn't pass it with "flying colors" as I'd hoped. We ran out of time, so there is still more to be done, as well as the written test this Wednesday. (tonight in other words) I did well though, especially since my partner, Faith, hurt her knee in the middle of it, leaving me with a LOT more work to attend with than was contained in my share. Grrrr. Despite the stress of that weekend, of the frustration and competition, it was still among the moments I wish to treasure, to remember. If all goes as currently planned, this time next year I shall be somewhere else in the states, on the East Coast, teaching kids, building houses, cleaning up a disaster, ect. However, I don't plan to forget this SAR Unit. Every time I am in Portland, I plan to return to their side. It is where I belong, I'm not where what to call it quite yet, but I feel my soul is finding "belonging." Yesterday my brothers were both out of the house, Coryn to a friends house, Caspian off to Versus. (A game house, as I call it) They'd both gone to the dentist that morning, and their mouths/voices were still recovering. Today, we didn't tease them. I got to spend the afternoon with my parents, which is a rare, precious occasion. It was relaxed. We didn't do anything in particular. Mom worked the treadmill. Dad did the laundry. I cleaned the living room and bedroom. In the evening, we settled onto the couch, where we watched Two and a Half Men episodes. I was writing the book I hope to publish, (it's already concluded. I am just editing now) it's title is the Night's Embrace. My mom kindly read the first chapter, and gave me good feedback. Following this, we all retired for the night. The night before, Monday evening, we watched Bones and House, both episodes being shockers. (BOOTH IS SHOT!) Which makes sense since they were the next to last episodes of the seasons. (HOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AMBER? Okay, I'll stop now...) Mom and I snuggled up next to each other for the last couple minutes, and it was wonderful, a bonding moment if you will. Dad seems to have mastered the art of cooking fried egg sandwiches. They are delightful. SO delicious. Mom and Coryn both love them too, which is impressive for my brother, since he doesn't like eggs. We love them though. Yesterday was Everett's birthday. He was my second ex-boyfriend, and now close friend. (depending on the day) He is doing a program with Americorps, and has been in Alabama since last August. (He'll be returning this August.) I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He wasn't there, so he returned my call this morning....9:30 his time.....7:30 mine. Grrr. sufice to say, I WASN'T UP YET. Sigh. Talked to him for a while, then had breakfast with my dad and mom, those delicious parfaits he makes, with sour cream on top this time, which I thought would be yucky, but was actually very good! Sigh, another win for the dad. Alrighty, done now. Off to finish my chores. (i.e. Cleaning my room....grrr) I'll be back later, probably this evening, to tell you about my afternoon. I believe I am being set up by a friend of mine....being sent into a trap....if you will, and am curious to find out if I am just being paranoid, or very sharp. (I've been known to be both on many occasions.) So stay tuned for details on that adventure.

The world of boydom is growing dim

2008-05-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

I asked that boy out last Wednesday. My family drove down, we ate lunch down the street, then dad parked just outside the restaurant where Ryan works. Quickly finding out he didn't come in for thirty minutes, the family joined mom and I inside, where we all sat, sharing strawberry shakes and hummus with pita. (odd combination, I know!) 30 minutes later, the brothers and dad returned to the car, and mom and I sat together. I admit, I was both restless and nervous. My language was a bit...oh....garbled. I didn't remember what he looked like. The day my family and I came in (Valentine's day) I was feeling too miffed that I was "single," to look up at the boy mom said later was cute. I finally came back in, and yes, he was darling! Nice ass, for sure! I tried to figure a plan. We'd already eaten and sat here for 30 minutes. There wasn't time to Play him, so to speak, where I flirt, get information subtly, and so forth. Instead, with the ever present geniusness of my mom....we formulated a plan of action. We went up to the desk to pay. Mom paid, left for the restroom. I stepped up to Ryan. "Hi there Ryan," I say. "I just wanted you to know I've been in here several times, and keep missing you. I wanted to give you this." And I put a napkin on the counter, face down, and on that face down side, is a message saying, "I think your smile is beautiful, and here is my number/email if you would like to get a cup of tea sometime." I left the note, and strode out of the room. The ball is in his park now, as my mom says it. A week later, a week until prom, the ball is still in his court. It's gotten rained on, it's getting moldy, changing color, and dissappearing into the grass of the playing field. The ball hasn't moved, it's still there..... Two nights ago, my family and I went to a restaurant we often frequent. While we were there, mom and I saw a boy (man really) come in, order and sit alone in the back. We all chatted about him, the entire family, and I do believe he might have overheard a good bit. (mom says she kept seeing him grin amusedly) Mom and I kept talking about his butt, his hair, his looks....sigh. We would have left, but I wanted another pancake with strawberries. Dad was kind enough to go order another, (they aren't filling and are small, though by the time it came, I needed help finishing it) and this gave me more time to keep glancing over my shoulder to the boy sitting alone, towards the back. He kept catching me, which is what's supposed to happen. He'd smile. We were leaving, everyone was outside but me...then I mustered my courage, and strode over to him. "Hi," I said. "I just wanted you to know I think you are a very attractive person, and I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Nicole." I stuck out my hand. "Bryan." He replied, smiling. We shook. He said he comes here often, so would probably see me again. "I imagine you will." I replied, and left. Outside, my family was standing at the curb, using their arms to wave at me, and once within ear shot, demanded details. They were very proud of me. Though I am proud of me too, what are the chances of finding him again by prom next weekend? And he's 22 at least....he would be too old for me to bring as a date. (this is my last prom too. Next chance I get to go, I would be to old as well) The other two boys I've mentioned in previous blogs? Peter and Sam? Peter has to be at least 23. A bit too old I think, and I don't know enough about Sam. It's just....not gonna work there I think. Prom is in a week. I am single. On a brighter note, I went to Next Adventure and Andy and Bax with dad today, (hatchet) where he was very helpful making choices I'd have had more trouble with alone. Then over to Lloyd Center, and the awaiting Coryn and mom. Two hours later of reading, Caz arrived on max from the Zoo. We sat reading a while more, then the boys and I have left to do our Mother's Day shopping. (more details later) had a wonderful time, took max home about 6:00 or so. Ate dinner at Tinna's, and then home in time for dad to take mom to her swimming class. Tomorrow at 2:30 PM, I leave for SAR certification part 1. I am confident. I shall remain so. I CAN do this. I will use all talents and abilities at my disposal, and I will conquor. I. can. do. this. I will, because I choose to. GO ME!

Boys, boys, and more boys!

2008-04-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

Oh, if only that were the truth. The fact that I've been single for over a year now has continued to hang over my head. I had a couple dates back in March, but they weren't anything exciting. It was a fellow employee at the Magic Shop I've mentioned. I've quit my job there by the way, because I didn't like how my boss ran things and how she didn't seem to be teaching me anything about herbology, as had our agreement been. Now I am very professional when it comes to these things. So, I wrote her a very polite letter, explaining why this wasn't the working enviroment for me and that I had walked in with expectations that didn't end up being met. She called me five days after I left it at work, giving her two weeks notice, and she thanked me for the letter. It's funny, but I feel I almost gained some of her respect by handling it the way I did. I can't help but think she's lost something important. For instance, she's had to host employee meetings because people on the evening shift would forget to shut off the stove and lock the front door. They would leave the lights on, and be WAY too loud in the main room, while massages were going on upstairs, and tarot readings downstairs. I never made a mistake like this. I kept things quiet, I always locked the doors and turned off the stove. I was good with customers, and I learned to handle the cash register. I asked when I had questions, and treated the place like a job, and NOT a place to hang out one day a week. I believe she lost something when I left. Anyway, the title of my blog doesn't read "I quit, I quit, I quit!" does it? This afternoon my mom and I will have our long over due, much missed and longed for, Chick Day. This is where we venture into the world of Chickdom, a world no man can follow and would ever want to. It is the world of jewlery stores, of Clair's and DQ dilly bars. It is the world of fancy purses she doesn't need, and little magical statues I have way too many of already. It is a world filled with goodwills, thrift stores, malls, and.....today, boys. I mentioned a few blogs ago that I had three boys I am interested in romantically. Prom is coming up in three weeks. My brother has no interest in attending, and since I have all but stopped speaking to the entire SG-1 (my group of friends for those of you who forgot) I will be getting my prom photo alone. I did that a while back, and although I think I look beautiful, (there's my little bit of bragging for the day) I think I did look kind of lonely, since almost everyone else got their photos with their best friends, siblings, and dates. I don't want to do it alone again. I thought if my friend Everett, who is in Alabama, could come back in time for prom, we could go together just for old times sake. But alas, he isn't coming back in time for it. So, onto the three boys I am interested in. During my mom and I's trip into the world of naughty girlness today, we are stopping by Hawthorn street, in order to sit down at a particular restaurant, and ask a boy out I have been asking about for over two months. Here's a bit of irony. I met him on Valentine's day, the same day I've broken up with almost all my past boyfriends. I was feeling depressed on that day when my family and I went to eat there for dinner. Because of this, I didn't really look at him. I could tell he was handsome, (especially from the incessent mom-voice in my ear, saying "he is gorgeous! look at him!) However, I was feeling too boy-neglected/hopeless to even give him a glance. Later, from mom and dad's description, it sounds as if he was truely gorgeous. Mom and I will go and get a better feel for him this afternoon, and if I am still so inclined, I shall ask the boy out. So for the next couple of hours, I shall take a shower, floof my hair, (that is spelled how its supposed to be) pick out a great outfit! And then I shall call to my mom and cheerfully say, "Quick mom! To the Chickdom mobile!" I am so odd.

Tracking weekend (would you like banana chips with that?)

2008-04-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

This is a late post in coming, but better late than never right? Anyway, not this last weekend but the one that came before it, I took a trip with my SAR team, but the awesomeest awesome thing? Mom got to come along! The thing is that while during the day I would always be busy with SAR, when it hit evenings, I would go back into town and into my hotel room. My mom didn't like how lonely that sounded, and besides, she knew from experience how lonely hotel rooms could be. (she's been on book tours, for heavensakes, that's why she takes me with her on those....I think) Anyway, it was in Bend Oregon, so it was a long car ride. She read half of it, I slept half of it/looked out the window at the beautiful forest, and the other half we spent talking with the two men who drove us, (SAR people) Ted and Gomez. They're fun people. Ted is religious, but homeschools. Gomez has a great sense of humor! Once settled into our hotel, I went with Ted across the street to the Army Surplus store. I would have spent more than I did there, but we ended up only having fifteen minutes before the place closed. I bought myself a small heavyduty carabeener, and a camping spoon. (stop smiling at me damn it! They were suveniers....can't spell this word) Mom laughed at me a lot when SHE found out what I'd purchased. We ate dinner at a place called the Black Bear Diner, which my family has eaten at before on roadtrips in the past, just at other locations. It was nice, but afterwards I didn't feel well. We went back to the hotel, and my mom and I lounged around. We watched movies together, Hong Kong I think I recall. I wrote up a list of all the classes I've ever attended, as mom suggested I begin doing, which numbered over 40 by the way. At the same time, mom sat at the table and wrote letters to Shayne. Eventually, I lay down and she joined me. It was nice and I felt content as I drifted off into sleep. She didn't even snore! :) (you can stop glaring now mom!) The next morning I met Ted and Gomez at a ripe 7:00! (I've had worse) My mom came along as well went to breakfast, though I didn't eat. Something had happened to my appetite. Two weeks later, I still haven't eaten eggs because ever since that meal, they don't look good. I do wonder what happened.... We took my mom back to the hotel, and then left, however, throughout the rest of the day, mom and I would stay in contact....we always do no matter if I'm leaving for the weekend, a few hours, or walking around the block! I'm not sure if that's a habit born of close friendship or a mother's concerns..... It was a very long day, and by the time I got back to the hotel, I was pretty damned exhausted. It was a great day though. I spent it with SAR people from all over Oregon. Most were Deshutes, but there were some from other places too. It was fascinating to be around them and to hear their stories. The first part of the morning, we spent watching a video on tracking and introducing ourselves and practicing a little inside the HUGE garage! Then we were seperated into three person teams and taken out into the field. Let me take a moment to mention how absolutely gorgeous it was! Bend Oregon is beautiful. It looks a lot like Utah, in its rolling mountains of brown and gold desert! It was beautiful and nice and warm to go down to tanktops by noon. We spent almost the entire rest of the day tracking. A "line of sight" (a trail of human tracks) had been laid down for each team, this basically went straight, using the abilities they taught us, we were to SLOWLY follow them. They wanted us to learn what was in them, and how to recognize a print, meaning we were to INCH along. (that's exactly what my team did. We were the most gradual team after all!) Lunch was nice. I sat with Gomez and another SAR person from Deschutes county. The three of us exchanged stories, opinions and information for our lunch hour. (My lunch was delicious. Thanks mom!) And then we returned to working. I do want to mention my favorite spot. I got to sit on this swing and stare out at the mountains, while the incredibly strong winds played at my hair. It was wonderful. When it finally got dark, came the night tracking. This perhaps was the most fun part of the entire day of work. We could control how the light fell on our tracks using our headlamps and flashlights. We moved along a lot quicker. Though, we didn't finish. We would have gotten further than we did, had it not been for a pile of sticks our subject had decided to step THROUGH! Just passing it, it was 10:30, and we headed back. If one person's eyes on your team are shot, then everyone's is, because they can't do their job well at that point. I went back to the hotel to my mom, who was only too happy for me to be back. She'd missed me for sure, but we had a great evening, especially the part where I told her open your mouth. I can't believe she DID! I attempt to throw a banana chip into her mouth, and TOTALLY missed. She began to laugh so hard she fell over, and my continued attempts at making it to her mouth failed....miserably. It was fantastic, our ribs hurt so much at the end. To sleep we went, and an early rising we had. We didn't have breakfast this time because none of us were hungry. Mom stayed at the hotel, and I went back to the site. There, the teams were changed a bit, and then we were told to go as fast as we could without damaging the "sign." My team finished in minutes. This was right about when Ted went and brought my mom back from the hotel. She sat on the back deck of Lisa and Scott's house, (the people who taught the class) and spoke with one of my team members about homeschooling. (P) I played with the dog and threw a ball for her. Mom sat next to me, as well sat in our lawn chairs in a circle inside the garage to have our debriefing. I was handed my certificate, and an hour later left. We were very late in returning to the Sheriff's Office, but mom and I were just happy to get back. Coryn was happy too, but I think now that we returned, he was right back to normal. I will say, no matter the difficulties of leaving, the trip was damned worth it!

Happy Birthday Caspian

2008-04-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

My now 15 year old brother had his birthday on last Tuesday. We didn't throw any big, boistrous party, with confetti to clean up later and plates and cups in places of the house we never thought they could reach. Instead, it was spent with the family. We left early in the day and ate at Yuki, a very expensive Japanese restaurant VERY far from our house. (the bill always ends up being close to the 70's!) It wasn't as satisfying as usual though. What I ordered was alright, but bland. I much preferred the sushi my mom ordered. (which is saying something believe me, since I hate most types of sushi) We took the birthday boy to Borders bookstore so he could buy some manga. Now, you might not understand, but considering this is my mom, it's really something to be surprised of that she would. My mom does not buy her kids manga. She scowls at reading them in bookstores, frowns at checking them out of the library, sighs heavily at watching it on TV, and shakes her head sadly when she sees us read the same series of books over and over and over and over again, and never tire of it. Despite these very facts, she buys my brother his favorite series (D-Grayman) because it is his birthday. HEY! I want the same rights! Then we went and picked up the cake from Susan, the lovely, lovely Susan, who always makes the birthday cakes for our family. She can take photos, and put the picture on the cake. (and even still keep everything edible!) She even once made the entire thing a chess board for my birthday! On another, it was a stake. (you know, for vampires!) My family really loves this woman. Anyway, mom had her swim class that night, so Caspian, being the lovely son that he is, said he'd wait until afterwards, (meaning after 10PM) to consume the cake. And what an affair that was! :) We sung him happy birthday, as all families should their kids, and then while mom was cutting the thing....we began to hear an odd.....ringing sound. I checked my cell phone, dad checked his, mom checked hers. Nope. It wasn't any of ours, but then again...it wasn't coming from any of our pockets and purses. We heard it coming from the table, from beneath the cake! Caspian picked up the cake, saw nothing. Looked under the table. Nope. Nada. Glanced inside the drawers of the table. Nopedy nope. Finally, he grinned at the parents and then looked to the cake. Mom began to cut it, and Caspian slowly withdrew the small ziplock bag inside. Opening it, he saw the cell phone that registered there was a single missed call. He laughed, his cheeks blushed, and he threw hugs around mom and dad, thanking them. He'd wanted a cell phone for a long time, but only in just the past few months had he left the house enough to warrant one. He meets with friends now, has sleepovers away from the house, has classes that take up the entire day.....its warranted now. And now, several days later, I still love teaching him about how to work his new contraption. Although, I do wonder....when his friends call his cell phone, and hear a "female" voice saying, "Hi, you've reached Caspian, I can't answer the phone now, but if you leave your name and message, I'll try to get back to you," what they'll think. What can I say? I was too impatient to let him through all the choas to do it himself! Once he gets a girlfriend, he can have her change it.

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly. (sorry mom)

2008-04-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling of impending doom? That little shadow skittering at the edge of your periphery? That feeling that makes your shoulders slump when your not thinking about it? Alas, it is the sensation of all the things you have NOT NOT NOT done. Sigh. I do not care for this feeling. Here are the bad's! The things I should be doing. Homework for SAR. (And the certification test coming up) Writing a letter to Shayne. (Mom's friend whose in Jail several states over.) Writing a letter to Van. (My friend whose in Jail several states over.) Keeping up with my chores. (My floor is half invisible.) BLOGGING. (Can you tell how much time there is inbetween posts?) Here are the Uglies! My gay friend Travis is having terrible trouble with his life. I have a cold. I have a headache from the last time I sneezed. My desk is so dusty, I'm glad I'm not allergic to it! I am getting that feeling I got a few years ago of not wanting to go anywhere with anybody. (besides family) Prom is in exactly a month from today.....and I am single......still. My friend Cat has finally taken her leave. We haven't spoken in three weeks. Not a word. (Not sure which of these listings this goes in though.) On the subject of Cat.....there is something I should have said here. Last week, she and I were to attend a Free Prom Dress activity together. We'd gone the year before, and she really wanted to go again. I'd said yes, despite the fact we hadn't been speaking much, despite how she'd been treating me, despite the fact I REALLY didn't want to go, despite the fact I dreaded having to spend the day with her, and despite the fact my two other friends would be there, which were her enemies, and despite the fact it would have me gone the entire day! "gasp, gasp, gasp." I talked to my parents and called Cat back to tell her I couldn't make it. My mouth opened to say something like, "Sorry Cat, but Search and Rescue needs me on alert." (A lie) "Sorry Cat, but I'm coming down with something. (A lie again) "Sorry Cat, your a bitch." (Truth, but can't say that.) "Sorry Cat, parents need me home. (They always would like me home, but they wouldn't force me) Instead, these words flowed from my lips. "Cat, I can't go....and it's because..... "I don't want to see you. You've been unkind to me these past months, and I've felt all but ignored by you. Every time I call, your with him. Every time we do talk on the phone, your laughing at something he said. Every time we want to set something up, you blow me off for him. I don't want to go with you." In the end, Cat says, "Okay, I don't want to talk about this right now. My boyfriend is here." "I assumed you wouldn't." I replied, and hung up. Afterwards, I thought back. It wasn't that the "truth" that was amazing. It was the tremor in my voice. Since only mom was present, and since only Susan has known me these past years, most of you readers wouldn't understand the importance of this act. I don't cry if front of my friends. Since I moved from Indiana, I've had perhaps 20 close friends. I know 15 of them still. None of them have seen me cry. I've never called them on the phone and cried either. I've never let them hear my voice shake, or emotion to take over my expression or voice. I've never lost my temper with any of them. I've only ever raised my voice to a yell once, and that was to break up a fight between some of them. I just don't allow that sort of thing. So when I LET my voice shake talking to Cat, that says something. It says how much it bothered me, how much strength it took for me to say those words. Letting myself keep that tremor, and not erasing it like I normally would, that shows me something....how it important it was. Let's move onto the Good then shall we? Going with the OLCC tonight. (Look at my last post for info) Going on a SAR outing tomorrow with helicopters. Went to my SAR meeting last night as usual, where they did a evaluation on all of us one by one, outside the office. I got wonderful compliments from them all! I left with a swelled head for sure. Cleaned the upstairs, and got a good compliment from mom on it. Went with dad yesterday down to the Kettlehouse Inn to pick up lunch for the family. Got some more "father daughter time," which ended in him telling the woman behind the desk to tell her son (which we say yesterday, and he was handsome!) that Nicole say hi. Yesterday, we went to the Kettlehouse Inn, and saw the cute boy eating there, which was the son of the waitress. Turns out he's 19, and Single! Went on a Tracking trip to Bend Oregon with some of my SAR friends, and MOM GOT TO COME ALONG. We stayed in the hotel together. By evening, we watched King Kong. By night, we threw banana chips. There are three boys I want to ask out who work nearby me. One works in a Vintage store called Village Merchants. One works in a restaurant called the Ryade (no idea how to spell that) and the last works in a place called the Balkan Brothers. They are Sam, (19) Ryan, (18) and Peter, (23) YAY! The Good's are much longer than the other two lists. That is a good thing in my eyes! Goodies. I am looking forward to the next few days when more of these goodies will come to pass. I wish lucky stars unto each of you.

Lucky in the luckiest lucky way?

2008-04-18T10:37:00.001-07:00

Today is Friday, and I'm not ready for it. As much as I've been fighting it, I think I am coming down with a cold. I didn't sleep well last night, and I have a SAR (search and rescue) outing tomorrow morning. I am to be at the office to meet my Unit at 6:30, that means up at 5:15 for Nicole. That is such an ungodly hour. Homeschoolers were not meant for such hours. I will do my best today to get better. This evening, I am going to be part of an OLCC mission. (I don't remember what it stands for.) What I do is I go down to the Police Station in Gresham. Together with other SAR officers and Police Cadettes between the ages of 16 and 21, we'll split into teams. There will be two decoys, (the people between 16 and 21) and two police officers. In teams of four, we are sent into different parts of the city. (last time I got Gresham) and we go into different bars. This is the mission. Me and the other decoy will take turns. We go in, grab/order something alcholic, and take it to the desk. The person on the other side SHOULD card us. If they don't, then the officer who walks in behind us, pretending to be another customer, comes up and an hour of paperwork ensues. In other words, we are testing establishments to see if they know how to properly card people, and weed out minors. And no, sadly, we do not get to drink what we ordered just because the decoy passed. The last time I did this, I passed only once. The girl that gave me my drink without checking my ID, was bouncy, smiling, and very kind. She was a young Chinese girl, who was beautiful, and also extremely bright and cheerful. I felt terrible for getting her into so much trouble with both the Police Department and with her boss. And you know what I am doing tomorrow, dear readers? My LAST Search and Rescue outing, the LAST one I go on before my Certification test in May. This time we are going to Astoria, where we will be getting our helicopter training. Aren't I lucky in the luckiest lucky way? Now I sound like a Lephrican. (Excuse the terrible spelling...hey, I had to ask my brother "what's the name of those creatures who have gold at the end of rainbows?") Anyway, I'm going to skip off now. I have more to say, but this blog is long enough as it is. Toodles

Nice days even without the sunshine

2008-03-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

The past few days, I've been reminded that you can have nice days, even without the pretty sunshine. The day has been constant rain and hail, and the past few days we've seen snow. Yesterday my family attended the homeschool OHEN conference, and didn't have a fanastic time by any means. My mom sold five of her books, but that's far less than she'd hoped. Coryn didn't find anybody to hang with, although Caz found a new friend, Jacob, who came home with us to spend the night. I spent hours chatting up Tony, who is the leader of a rather popular outdoors camp, NWTrackers. I went to one of his camps last year in order to construct a kayak from the supplies of the forest. But this is besides the point. The conference was dissapointing. The Family Dance offered was too. The April Fool's Dance offered to teens last night sucked too I hear. I didn't attend...for multiple reasons, one at the top of my list being I didn't care to hang with those going. Today, I spent the morning with Coryn, playing Chinese Checkers and watching Die Hard with a Vengeance. He and I don't hang just the two of us very often, but we do get along well when the oppertunity does come along. I stayed home with him today, instead of going with mom and dad and Caz to drive Jacob home. I always rather take the drive too, but Coryn didn't, and I thought I would stay home with him today. I finished a wonderful book this afternoon. The ending made my cry, but through research, (I do that with my favorites) I found out it is to become a trilogy. Truancy is a favorite of mine now, one of the all time best. I went with dad to get an early dinner from MaCminamins, (hate that word) and had a wonderful father daught bonding conversation at one of the tables. It was concerning growing up, moving away from the teenage phases and hobbies and towards something else entirely. It was about finding the right boy to have your first time with, and the glories of true, longlasting love. On the way back, there was a song on the radio called Just the Same. He and I hummed along to it, and it felt like a really special moment. And still, it rained and hailed. I talked to mom on the phone, and she gave me the comforts I hoped for. Cat has all but moved on from me. We go several weeks without any contact now, and I wish I could say I don't care anymore, but I do. It would be easier if I didn't care. Travis, my gay friend, hasn't talked to me at all since I hosted that surprise party. The friends I thought I was still close to, are changing. I just don't understand. And then I talked to mom on the phone. She said something along the lines of this, "I know you believe everything happens for a reason, and perhaps its the same in this instance. Perhaps this is the fates way of making it easier for you to leave in January for 10 months, because if you were really closely bonded to them all, especially Cat, wouldn't it be really hard to leave?" I realized quickly that mom was right. (she often is!) Perhaps this was the fates making it easier for me to move forward. It made my heart and soul feel lighter, regardless. And these are just a few examples that there are nice days, even if there isn't any sunshine.

I have the pizza plague

2008-03-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

It seems to be haunting me. Every teen gathering I step foot into, there's those familiar boxes. My family goes out to eat, and there's those round, cheesy circles. I go to Search and Rescue, and what are they serving us as rewards for our efforts? I won't even say it. The pizza plague...I caught it two weekends ago. I'll resume the story I left you hanging with a week ago. I arrived at the Sheriff's Office at the glorious hour of 6:30. Forcing wakefulness into every corner of my being, I worked along with the others to pack the vehicles with all the gear and equipment. It didn't go well. We nearly forgot half of it. It seemed I was not the only SAR recruit to be half asleep this morning. Worse yet...it seemed that many of the certifieds were also tired and not as coherent as they should have been. After some shouting, scolding, and nudging, we loaded up and away we went! That afternoon, I have to say, was exhausting in all meanings of the word. I was already dealing with itty bits of fatigue, but that afternoon's activities did not help me to dispell that handicap. Instead, it only encouraged it. The first three hours at Angels Rest, (for those of you that know that name) were spent tracking. It was an interesting process, but felt rather disorganized. The whole morning did, in fact. This was the third location the SAR cordinators could plot. The others were covered in snow. (During tracking, we were hailed on more than four times.) The other activities planned were disgarded because of the weather. After the tracking, we were shooed back to the gravel road. There, standing in a long line numbering 23 wet, tired, and less than eager humans, we prepared to set out on what is called "A grid line search." Its where you cover a large area by walking in a line so that you are less likely to miss what you are seeking, whether it be a subject, evidence, or something else. Confusion set in within 30 minutes. The compass bearing given to us wasn't lining up with the crashed plane we were seeking. (The plane crashed years ago. We were seeking it as practice) When we finally got lined up, we were faced with a unwelcome surprise. The compass bearing pointed directly at a stonewall, with a waterfall cascading over its face. It was steep, and lying on its hill, staring straight up, we were all biting our lips in discomfort. The next hour was spent on trying to verify whether it was safe enough for us to scale....especially with 40 pound packs on our backs. (yes, I've weighed mine. It's 40 pounds.) It was now the middle of the afternoon, and we were tired of laying on the hillside, waiting for the decision to be made. Finally, the answer came. It was safe...enough. We started crawling uphill, for that was how steep it was. (mom and dad, you may not want to read this part!) We used logs and trees to get us a step further, and when we finally reached the stone wall, we had to edge along its face. Then came the glorious fun that was the waterfall. We had to drop five feet into the water running at our feet, (it was only perhaps an inch high, since most of the water was spraying over our heads.) We had to edge along a large tree root crossing what we stood in, and then clamber up the other side, and then use a rope as a guide up the last part of the hill. At the top, I collapsed, all muscles taught, temples throbbing, and my hands sweaty inside their leather gloves. As one by one, the others joined me in my collapsement, I closed my eyes and let the sunshine bathe me. Soon enough, my strength returned and we shoved onwards, because, dear readers, we had yet to reach the fallen plane. We never did. The last stretch caused me the most exhaustion SAR has ever forced upon me. (perhaps it was because I somehow ended up leading) I was as close as to my limit as it had ever pushed me, and I was tired enough that when we did reach the landing of this now seemingly endless hill, my body gave out beneath me, just as soon as I gave it permission. Leaning against my pack, which was supported by the lump of soil behind me, I let my head fall forward, and shut my eyes a while, while we waited for the rest of the team to join those of us who had finished first. I am a strong, enduring person. When faced with physical pain, I can curse a couple times, and then press on. When faced with a exhausting physical activity, I can force myself onwards, and not fall until I have reached where I deemed MY finish line. I can endure a lot. (not to brag, of course) I But when I DO let myself fall, I allow myself the rest that I need as soon as I have the oppertunity. This was an oppertunity, and with SAR, they aren't dealt out as often as one would like. I dozed. My shuts eyes, I let my mind go fuzzy. I do not know how long the other seven recruits and I waited for the rest of the team. We just sat there, the rain falling in buckets, and the hail collecting in the creases of our jackets. Every now and then, when I would doze back in, I would hear somebodies radio saying something. It was when I heard something referring to an injured team member that I shoved away all fuzziness, and forced myself into lucidity once again. I think it may have been 45 minutes we lounged there, and now that my thoughts were clear, I realized that that didn't make any sense. The rest of the team wasn't that far behind me when I scaled the last of the hill. I quickly learned the answer to this bit of confusion. A member, Faith, had injured her knee. She was unable to hike the last stretch, and so half the team was down assisting, and sending our part of the team updates, which should have been going straight to base I soon realized. (it turned out there wasn't a base. The people who should have been back at the vehicles, acting as base, were down helping Faith. We had no base.) The next hour leading up to sunset could only be referred to as chaos. Myself and two others, Hunter and Ryan, rushed down to collect a litter. (stretcher) We raced back up with it, and then rejoined with the rest of the SAR team. Together, using pullies, ropes, webbing, trees, and other equipment, we hauled Faith in the litter up the hill, to the dirt road. There, we carried her back down to the vehicles, and the unattended Base. Sunset had fallen. Today was supposed to be the day we practiced Survival Skills. This meant that we were supposed to stay in personally made shelters, as well as take shifts with our partners keeping a fire going the entire night. It was after sunset. Our shelters were not started, and finding dry wood after an entire day of pouring rain was difficult, even when it was done during the day. Survival was out. And so were we. At the glorious word of Brandon, (our main leader) we were shipped back to the station, where we were greeted with a beautiful smell, a table covered in large boxes, paper plates, and above all the commotion, one word could be heard. You guessed it. Pizza. I despise pizza, but I will say, that that night it'd never tasted so good. And such was the beginning of my personal pizza plague. A realization befell me in the evening though. (No, it has nothing to do with pizza.) I am the second eldest SAR recruit. (meaning not counting the certifieds.) Only one is older, and he is the cute guy I've liked since joining, but he is popular enough I have issues speaking with him just chit chat. Sleeping in a heated room was blissful. I slept well, and handled the next day of repelling, climbing, knotting, and other such rope work at Rocky Butte, much better than I would have done with low sleep.

The sweet taste of pizza

2008-03-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I warn the reader now, this post might be lengthly. So therefore, if you feel intimidated now, turn back. I will not be hurt. You have been warned. First point of business, I hate pizza. Disregard the title of the blog. I. do. not. like. pizza. I'll tell you the justification of the blog title towards the end of this post. Have you ever thrown a surprise birthday party for someone before? Do you know how much planning, time dedication, and money goes into such a thing? I do. I threw one last Saturday, on March 14th. It was for my gay friend, (I've mentioned him before) who was turning 19. Last year on his birthday, he'd just gotten a house after being homeless for several months. He couldn't afford fancy food, and didn't have any friends to spend it with. He spent it alone, and cakeless. I wouldn't stand for this to happen again! Me being the (sigh) organizer that I am, in two weeks, I threw the plan together. I called everybody, gave details, and opened up my house to a full evening of chaos. (i.e teenagers) My parents were very easy going with the entire thing. My mom took me to the grocery store and bought all these wonderful things...snacks not on our diet, drinks that send you to the dentist, and all those wonderful goodies. We spent the day cleaning, vaccuming, and dusting to perfection. 6:30, the guests arrived. 7:00, the birthday boy arrived. Through varied indications, such as the look on his face when we brough him his cake with 19 lit candles, and the way his voice cracked at the sight....or his wide eyes when he saw all the people grouped in my house, when he thought it was only he spending the night, and not 11 other teens. Through these signs, I was thanked for my efforts. I will admit, I didn't see him much. He did spend a lot of his time in my brothers room, playing video games. (HONESTLY! Do all MEN have to do that!) We watched a movie, called Spark of Insanity, but Jeff Dunham. (Jefufu DunHAM! This will be funny only if you've seen it. If you haven't, go get it you morons.) I feared they wouldn't like it, but within minutes, I had them laughing, giggling, guffawing, chuckling, snickering, and all that jazz. I did have an interesting experience however. One of my the guests attending the party had a case of frostnip. (the stage that comes before frostbite, for you uneducated people out there) I'd been trained to deal with this through Search and Rescue, but it was a seriouser case than I....really knew what to do with. Not that I would admit this of course. I managed best I could, and told him that if tomorrow morning it hadn't improved, go to a doctor. I knew when I saw something close to frostbite, and that kinda thing can turn nasty. Cat tried to spend a lot of time with me. She knows our friendship isn't doing the best it ever has, and is finally make a couple of tiny efforts to save it. (She calls me, to talk about her. She wants to see me, to talk about her boyfriend. I call her, she's busy with her boyfriend. Blah, blah, blah!) I did like that she was spending time with me this time though. We played some spin the bottle. This is a game started a year and a half ago...by me. (hey, when you're single, you take what you can get!) Of course, half of them were girls. The five boys there were weren't available for kissing pleasure. Two were gay. One was Cat's guy. One was my brother, and the last was too shy for anything FUN! It was nice though. But I haven't gotten to the damn pizza yet, have I? Don't worry. I'll get there. As another example, dear reader, of my dedication to my friends. Guess what? The next moring following this party, I had a Search and Rescue Training trip. Through sheer force of will and decipline, did I make myself leave the excitements going on in the living room, and fall into bed by midnight. I had to be up at 6 after all! Loading up all of my equipment, dad drove me to the Sheriff's Office. Leaving, I passed by two rooms of my house first. On the right, four people were still up playing video games, having not retired at all during the night. On the left, however, was my brothers bedroom with the bunkbeds. Having not seen them anywhere else, I knew that inside that dark room must be the two gay boys, as well as Cat and her boyfriend. I force down my incredible curiosity to peek inside that door to see what things I might witness, and left. Sigh. And no. I am not even half done. I am just getting started! You haven't heard about the pizza! Guess you'll just have to swing by for the next chapter then, won't you? (P.S. Yes, I made it shorter this way as to not overwhelm your human minds with too much information all at once. I am nice that way, am I not?)

Looking to the past

2008-03-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

I think its interesting, that when you begin to loose what you have, that you turn your eyes to that which you've lost. As the world of friendships begins to crumble around me, I turn my attention to the ones I lost long ago. Mark, who still lives in Indiana. Jessie, who moved away because of her abusive father, and Julia, who got so neck deep in a new style of homeschooling, that it took her away. My thoughts have spent a lot of their time on Julia of recent days. Four years ago, we were so closely knit, that we didn't go 24 hours without talking in one form or another. We saw each other multiple times a week, and invited each other to everything. We knew each other's friends, and crushes. Julia and I created a world...through role playing. The game was close to three years old, so the plot and past was very intricate. There were no players but the two of us, and yet the cast numbered more than 25 charactors. Together, we created a world that was as clear to us as reality, sometimes even clearer. We obtained the ability to switch from one persona--happy, excited, a child--to another--mysterious, brooding, an elder. It was an amazing experience, and brought us together in a fashion I have never known the like. As my current best friend, Cat, moves further and further away from me, I found myself missing Julia, and a role playing world that I used to crave. As Cat continues down her path in life, one that leads towards love, sex, and adult responsabilities, I find my mind turning towards memories of Julia, varied personas, practiced facades. That is a path I know, that is familiar. I called Julia yesterday, after years of having not heard her voice. When it gracd my ears, I remembered so many things. The conversation of the existence of magic, the fear of loosing our parents, the talks of favorite Mangas, the leaping about furniture in our role playing world. In her voice I felt relief....which was shortly followed by sadness. She'd moved to California a year ago. There's no way to see her. No way to resume a game long concluded, for it did conclude. I don't remember how, but we realized how little we saw each other, (or perhaps I was the only one to see it) and that we may not see each other for a long while. They were moving houses. They were busy. With this knowledge in mind, we role played our last scene. It was the mending of a friendship (in the story) that had been broken long ago, a friendship we had thought never to be healed. But in the thought of her and I growing apart, we brought those two charactors together. So I have noticed...that when you begin to loose what you have, your mind turns to what you have lost. I would have liked to regain Julia, to see her, to speak with her, to take a journey with her into the past. With her living in California, that is not truly an option. But to hear her voice was enough. To talk of old things for an hour was enough. To hear the voice of the person I'd heard take on over ten different personas, try out over ten different voices and facades. That was enough.

Portland can be so kind sometimes

2008-03-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've noticed recently, since I am out and about the world of Portland so much more often than I used to be, that the people of Portland can be so very kind. For instance, I walked across the street and dropped my jacket on the curb. A passing car pointed behind me, two men sitting at an Pizza shop across the street motioned over my shoulder, and someone who'd been walking with me swiped it up, and handed it to me. Their lives had momentarily stopped...for me. I dropped my umbrella yesterday when I went to breakfast, before going to work. (aka, my internship) On the way in, I dropped it on the sidewalk outside. While standing in line to "buy" my morning meal, a couple came in holding it, asking if it were mine. That's so kind. It's so nice that they pause in their busy lives to help another person. Which is why I constantly wonder how a world such as Portland, with people who do such nice things for their fellows, can then do all the terrible things that end up on the news. All those terrible things that happen on Trimet, (the public transportation system) where a civilian gets beaten right before everyone's eyes. Why? Why does nobody step up and try to help? It's dangerous, sure, but it's the right thing to do. How can they just watch as a person gets pummeled....don't they ever think of a time where they might be in their shoes, needing assistance? And that will be the day where people just stare at them, making excuses in their mind for why they should not intervene. Yesterday, heading into eat lunch after work, I saw a fire truck sitting at the end of the block. I decided, regardless of how silly or foolish it might have been, (or felt, for that matter) to see if I could wander down the block and find out what was going on.....and if I could help. (I am CPR and First Aid certified.) I could not find it, but regardless of that, I tried. I stepped forward to see if I could do anything, when so many others watch on, pretending just for their own benefits that there is nothing they can do. And then they see the story on the News, and have to create more excuses for themselves. However, the little kindnesses, such as returning an umbrella, or saving a jacket....these are the small things that remind me there are good people out there, who do try to help. There are people that know what the right choice is.....and even better, there are those to choose it. I hope that were I ever faced with situations similar to those mentioned, that I could be that good. I hope that I would have the strength, and the smarts of the mind, to know if the right choice is to step in. Ever since I've started this Search and Rescue Training with my Unit, every time I think something odd is going on, (aka, the fire truck yesterday) or even just an arguement going on nearby. For a bit, I try to hang around and see how it'll all play out. My dad told me recently that there are people that, during some kind of fiasco, just stand by and observe. They do not involve themselves, and even if the police arrive, they continue to observe, and the police cannot tell you to leave. They can tell you to move, but not to leave the scene. You can observe, so that you are a witness. The easy choice is not always the right choice. The right choice is not always the safe one...and its this blurry line that makes us act in certain situations with umbrellas and jackets, and decide not to act in others.

Talking to your parents on the phone

2008-03-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

I met with a friend yesterday, (grrrr) and she brought up something interesting. She said, "Don't you hate it when your parents call you, and they talk to you forever? I mean, I keep trying to get off, but they won't let me go!" I have a lot of friends who seem to think of their parents this way. They'd prefer, when out with friends, not to talk to them. They seem unhappy when they see their cell phones blinking "mom" or "dad." They think their in for a arguement, for a change of plans, for an hour long talk. I'm not like that. While I'm with friends, I'd probably be happier talking to one of my parents. If I see its "mom" or "dad," a grin stretches across my face. I'm excited. I'm delighted. My friend's annoyance alarms are ignited. Sigh.

I am silly

2008-03-14T11:33:00.001-07:00

I decided this morning (Friday) I must blog. I have no choice. No eating. No cleaning. Nothing! I must blog....I have not blogged in at least four days. Monday: That day was a very loooooooooooooooooong day. In the morning, I went to my internship. I've begun to realize that my employer teaching me "anything" compeletly depends on my asking, reminding and requesting. Because so far, I'm not learning much of anything. I don't plan to drop out, because everything she "would" teach me, I can learn by myself, through what is in the shop. In the afternoon, I met up with my gay friend, (I mentioned him before) He was to act as my wingman when I went into a restaurant on the street, and asked a boy out. However, the boy I meant to ask, Ryan, was working in the kitchen, washing dishes. Damn it. So we ate dupper, (the meal between lunch and supper) and then met up with my gay friend's boyfriend. The three of us then trudged through mud filled streets, in the pouring rain, so that we could drop by where one of them works. By the time we boarded our bus and were on our way to our next destination, my pretty skirt was soaked on the bottom, my glasses were fogged up, my right arm was throbbing from carrying my laptop bag.....and I wanted to get on the damn bus. And you where the bus was taking me? To hang out at a coffee shop where my friends participate in a Open Mike. I don't go anymore, because they all tick me off to no end. I went on Monday for the sole reason....I needed to inform people of the Surprise Birthday party I am hosting for my gay friend, Travis. I was hoping Travis's gay boyfriend would like me....I mean, what's not to like? But instead, I felt totally ignored by him....and by Travis. They went into their world of "video games, computer games, WII gammes," and so on. (honestly, even the GAY boys like that stuf. Sigh.) So once again, I spent time with friends, and wished I was home spending time with my mother instead. Oops, I did it again. Thursday: Ah, Thursday. Wonderful, fantastic Thursday. You know what I did on Thursday? My parents drove me to Starbucks in town, where I was to meet Cat. I could have ate with my parents. Nope. I could have gone back home with my siblings. No. I could have gone shopping with my mom. NO. I met with Cat. And didn't enjoy a second of it. That was my fantastic Thursday. Oh, and look! Thursday looks very similar to my Monday.

Family time

2008-03-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

When I used to live in Indiana, I had friends who had to actually "schedule" family into their week. Certain days, during certain hours....now that I moved here to Oregon, it's still similar. My friends families have to plan for this time in their schedules. With the Orr's however, the time just "happens." Our hours spent at bookstores for instance. Last night, we went to the local Borders bookstore, (it's been our family Orrhaven since moving here six years ago) and we settled down at a table for four hours. We sat listening to the musician play the evening away. We each had drinks in front of us that we sipped every couple of minutes. We each had books to read. My mom was writing to her longtime friend, Shayne, with her gorgeous handwriting scrawling across the paper in graceful sweeps and loops of her fingers. My dad was reading another book on diets. Coryn and Caspian were reading manga, just as I was. (tonight's read included Blood Alone, and my new favorite, Black Sun-Silver Moon.) And we sat. We laughed occasionally, we talked occasionally. My mom and I found it hilarious that I got a pair of wolfwhistles when she and I walked by a table full of teenagers, female and male alike. (Gutsy, since I was walking with my mom!) This just happens. We don't plan it. It just slips itself into our schedule when we need it most. I don't believe in coincidences after all. Another example is this afternoon. My brothers and I went to a movie together. Now, my siblings and I don't really fight. Our voices are occasionally raised, but that's natural for sibling rivalry. But Caspian and Coryn and I? We're good. However, I wish I could involve myself with Caspian more. The gap between he and I worries me. Of anyone in my family to drift away from, I would fear for the connection between him and I. I know he looks up to me, but I want a connection. The movies was Fred Claus. (and it was much better than I was expecting.) My brothers and I highly enjoyed it. We got ice cream going in, and loved it. It was a nice treat, since we're on the 3 hour diet thing now. Most of the time my family is scattered around the house though. My dad in either the kitchen, working away with pots and pans or a diet book or in the garage with car parts. My mom is most oftenly at her computer, fingers racing across the keys, so that she doesn't piss of an editor with a late project. My brothers are in their room, playing with something that has a screen. I am so glad I am not the kind of teenager who shuts herself in her room, closes her door, turns up her music, and plays with the internet. Nope. I used to be like that, until I realized what I was doing, and the consequences it could have later in life. I opened my door, and turned down the music. I now also have a laptop, so I often spend a few hours in the living room, talking to my mom while she works, (helping her concentrate and all, you know?) and perhaps watching something on TV together, or listening to a new CD we both like. (Another cool thing about the two of us.....our tastes are very similar, as are our distastes.) Family time is important, but most of the time, the fates help it to happen when it needs to. During a meal, a trip to Borders, an afternoon writing in the living room, looking over dad's shoulder while he cooks, going to a movie with my siblings, or sitting on the swing in the yard with my mom.....(my mom and I have been doing that almost every day. It's a quiet time for just talking.....that's a contradiction. Oops.) Well, all in all.....the fates find a way I guess.

I'm only 17, and I don't want to be anything else

2008-03-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

Teenagers of this age constantly want to be older. They want to be older so parents stop treating them like a child, so that they can drive their own car, so they can live on their own, so they can get a job, so they can travel, so they can drink... I don't. I never have. Getting older was never a gift to me. Getting older wasn't going to bring me things that I wanted to trade for what I had. Becoming an adult didn't mean the world would be better or easier, in fact, I was quite aware it would be the opposite. As a child, you can innocent, you can be blind and you can be deaf, and that's okay. That's what is expected of you. So why be older? I am 17 years old. I don't want to be 18. I don't want to drive a car, have a real job/income. I don't want to live on my own, or loose the guidance of my parents. I don't want any of this, if that means I have to trade it for what I have now. 18 is a doorway I don't want to pass through. 18 is a doorway into the world many of my friends rushed through before they were supposed to. They stepped through, into all those gifts and curses, that weren't supposed to be theirs yet. They're not 18. They're not adults. They're not done being "children" yet. My friends, one by one, are leaving me behind. Through the acts they commit, through the things they try, through the things they abandon and take up, they pass through the door, and I guess they just assume everyone else will eventually follow after. I'm not ready for the door. Some smoke, some drink, some are having sex, some are falling in love. They call them gifts, new experiences that make them feel free and strong....I look at them, and I see kids who don't know how to be free. That freedom their tasting is different. It's bitter. In little, varied ways, Cat, my old best friend, has stepped through the door. She keeps thinking I'll be just a couple steps behind her, but she's wrong. I will not follow her. Her world is now a different one from mine, and I refuse to join hers, and I know she can't rejoin mine. You know why, readers? Because to rejoin me, she'd have to step "back" through the door. She can't. She can't take back the steps she's taken. She's left me behind....but last night I realized that all of them will. Over the years that come to pass, they will all either jump ahead of me, leaving me behind, or I will have to race ahead of them. The first seems far more likely than the second. All of them will leave me behind....except one. There's one that will never skip ahead of me in life. She won't make a new world for herself in which I either must force myself to follow, or abandon. I won't ever have to gain her respect or admiration. I'll never have to compete with her, compare myself to her. She'll never leave me behind. Each doorway is different. Each time someone steps through theirs, it is through different actions, different situations and choices. This best friend has long stepped through hers, but since I was born on that side of "her" doorway.... That means she can never leave me behind. I guess she's stuck with me forever.

Choices

2008-03-06T23:15:00.001-08:00

Today I was faced with a pair of choices. I could have gone to a SWAT training in Gresham, an oppertunity offered through my Search and Rescue Unit. It would have taken place inside a empty apartment complex. I would be a civilian who would panic, and the SWAT would come in and take control of the situation. I would have been gone most of the day...damn, that would have been fun. Getting shot with paintballs, running from the law enforcers.... Oh well. Choice two was what I had previously agreed to. Meeting with my friend, Cat, for the afternoon. I'd already said yes, and although a lie could have easily been formed to vindicate canceling....I would have felt bad about it. I'm good at lying, but making a habit of it can be dangerous. I went with Cat. We were going to meet at a Starbucks, and play card games for two hours while drinking drinks, and switching back and forth. Old times. This was how we used to spend our days together......tradition... Until I got on the bus and ran into two of our friends from the homeschooled camp we attend each summer, Not Back to School Camp. Their names were Ben and Rebecca. My parents would vouge for this, but I can tell you that I am a good talker, although I hate how that sounds. Instead, I'll phrase it this way. I'm good at carrying conversation. With new people, I can help learn new things, make them feel included when surrounded by people who all know each other already. I can help include the one person left out, or just get people who are usually shy, to speak up. I got these two talking easily enough. I felt they got along well with me, and I with them. Until we met up with Cat. I do wonder if the changes that happened when we joined up, weren't just her fault, but mine as well. Did I play a part as well? I don't know. I do know it pretty much ruined the rest of that afternoon. As soon as we met up, I "felt" Cat took over. She took over conversation. She walked alongside them....and the sidewalk was only wide enough to accomadate three. I was in the back, cut out of the talking. They talked to her, laughed with her, suddenly, I was a fourth wheel. How had that happened? I feel as if I constantly compete with Cat. It didn't used to be that way. Now that's all we do, compete to be the best, competing for the other's respect and admiration. It's not fulfilling. It leaves me feeling empty....regardless of whether I win, or she does......whoever wins, we still both loose. The four of us had lunch, then went over to where Ben and Rebecca were staying while they were in town. (they don't live here.) During the transportation, I felt I almost didn't exist. I know I played a part in this. I felt put down, and suddenly.....my skills of speaking abandoned me....they went flying out the bus window, and SPLAT onto the windshield of some passing civilians car. There the confidence went. Smushed on somebodies car. We sat at their place, and I kept attempting to include myself again. I kept failing. The words were forced now, not smooth like they typically were. My laughs were quiet, not sincere like usual. My smiles were just pretend, so that they would think I was following what was going on...so they would think I was having fun. If I'd been smart, I would have walked out already. But I was mad at myself for letting this to continue. I knew what was going on was half my fault, meaning if I left, exiting would be half my fault too. I was also waiting for a boy named Caleb, who was supposed to be joining us. He's another friend from camp. I took a special "liking" to him during camp last year. He's a very sexy boy...however, he's also the typical "bad boy." He's the opposite of what any good parent wants their good girl to be dating. I saw him for a moment. Gave him a hug, and then walked out the door. I went home. I would rather spend the rest of the day with my family, then with people I couldn't bring myself to involve myself with. That bad boy was nice to look at though. Short, short blond hair....muscled body, GREAT smile, and one of the two BEST kissers I've ever experienced. Sigh. Oh, the memories of that night! We'll let that story go for now. I got a call from Riley again this evening. Through complicated messages, and struggling on my part, (although I do think I handled it well) he said he wanted to see me. He first wanted to see me tonight....I informed him that I would not break those rules. (I remind you, readers, that he cannot meet with me because I am underage) He said okay, but then requested I come see him during his shift at the Magic Store. I was uncomfortable, to say it simply. First he wants to meet me tonight, which means after dark, and second, he wants to break the rules to see me. Hell no. However, I did suggest he find a time convenient for him, to call me and tell me whatever he needs to say on the phone. He told me that the people who take care of him there at the Foster Home told him to say something to me...I am quite interested to find out what that is. Mom had a massage tonight, not with the usual place she goes, but a new one. She came home saying she felt changed. A wonderful thing happened this evening, although that is a interesting way to describe it.... Yesterday, dear readers, I started eating again. My "juice fast" ended. I've known for days now that that kind of diet is not good for me. It didn't feel right like the other diets my family has gone through. I didn't feel "any" good results from it. I just struggled...but I wanted to get past the third and fourth days, since I've heard those are the hardest. So I stopped on the morning of what would have been my sixth. I started with....eggs and toast. God...YES! This evening, dad came home....went into the kitchen, and cooked up dinner. Mom's nose was going nuts....I swear I could hear her groans and moans from my room, readers. Porkchops, a citris salsa, cooked veggies, a piece of toast with butter.... I swear, watching my parents faces, espeically my mom's as they chewed...I can saw I've only ever seen that kind of look on a couple's face, in certain movie scenes that involved a bed and candles..... Afterwards, dad ran a Orr traditional errand. He went to the gas station, picked up a bag of chips, a thing of beer, and we all sat down to watch something on TV together....tonight's choice being the most recent LOST episodes, followed by Eli Stone. It was a very peaceful evening. Everyone's in a good mood. Which is nice. I love when everyone is. Everyone is smiling, laughing and saying "I love you," even if the person merely got up to reach one of our five remotes. Dad mentioned that he feels much better, much more "positive," than he has for the past two weeks he's done this Juice fast. He seems more cheerful, for sure. Mom does too....hell, I am for sure! I miss my damned breakfasts. I have realized though, that no matter the situation, or the pair of choices, I need to get it into my head that this is where I am happiest, here, with my family, the five boomboxes, the weird diet de jour, and where the "I love you's," are said without required reasons. Such is the Orr household.

The POC

2008-03-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

POC...... Every person has one. Especially teenagers. They each have a POC, otherwise known as a Pile Of Crap. I have mine, which comprises of clothes....clothes....and more clothes. I hate putting clothes away, so they end up on the floor, and slowly begin making dams and barricades throughout my room. Soon, I try to get in my room, and feel like I have to do gymnastics just to get from Point A (doorway) to Point B. (Computer chair.) Argh. The POC has currently completely taken over. There is a very small path linking doorway-to computer chair....but other than that.......this room is a life hazard. HELP! If I don't take care of this soon, I feel I may drown in the POC.

Single....again

2008-03-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day. I got up, went on a date, came home and lounged around with my family. I arranged a meeting with Cat, even though I am a bit nervous about meeting with her. I sat home with mom while my brothers and dad went to see a movie. I annoyed mom amusedly, while she attempted to work...but I had her laughing too often for her to see the keys. It was a good day. And what happened in the evening didn't make it a bad day. Riley called me three times. The first was to arrange a meeting for this coming Friday. We got it all figured out, and then got off the phone. Short, normal talk. The others weren't. The second call was to ask me down to his house the next day. I asked him why a couple of times, and what it finally came down to, was that the people who took care of him there at the Foster Home wanted to know who he was hanging with....namely me. They wanted me to come down tomorrow to the Home, and talk with them, answer some questions and also learn more about Riley...such as why he was at this Foster Home in the first place. Which my parents and I had been wondering. I agreed and arranged to come down tomorrow afternoon. Mom said she'd go with me, and that dad might too....if not to just learn things too, but even just to vouge for me to the people who would ask me questions. Then came the third call. He was the most uncomfortable this time. I felt so bad for him. He was stuttering, and having trouble telling me whatever message he was trying to impart....but I had to push him. I needed to know whatever he was trying to say. And so I did. What it came down to was that he's not allowed to be around people who are under the age of 18, which I am. This is a rule that's been placed on him, and if the people taking care of him find out he's hung out with me, he could get sent back to jail. (yes, "back.") I told him he couldn't have known I was underage. I didn't tell him how old I was until just today. He said yes, but after that he knew.....and should have stopped meeting me.....but he loved meeting me too much to say no, that he liked who I was and my personality so much. But now that he'd thought about it, he saw that it was best this way. "Perhaps when your birthday comes this fall?" He asked me. I said. "Yeah, we'll see where we are in our lives when we get around to then." He asked me what I was feeling about all this right now, and I said something along these lines, "Surprise, but also thankful I got to meet with you at all. I really enjoyed meeting you, and I do feel we got along well. And I do look forward to working with you at the Magic Shop in the future." He was so sad. I felt for him. I did feel for him. And so we got off the phone. I am glad I did what I did, even though I had absolutely NO IDEA what kind of door I was opening when I went down on that bus last Friday. I had no idea what I was walking into, when I followed that boy up the street and away from my bus stop, flyers in his hands. I don't think I would take it back though. Sigh. Single again. That sucks.

Hours to kill

2008-03-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

Killing hours in my life is not a problem. I am far too busy for that ever to become an issue. If I'm not going anywhere, (which is a rarity in itself) there's always, and I mean always, my room to clean, a novel for me to edit or continue its sequel, brothers who would love my company, a mom who would love her daughter to lurk over her shoulder while she works in the living room, (even though she knows she won't finish anything with me around,) there's always homework for my Search and Rescue, (SAR) to be done, or homework for my Herbology internship. Therefore, killing time ain't a problem. It is for Riley. I learned today he is staying in a foster home. He's there with several other boys. I found this odd, because Riley is 18 and has graduated high school. Why is he still in foster care? Anyway, he informs me during our date today that he's not allowed to leave without first writing down when he's leaving, where he's going, and when he'll be back. This adds to the overall oddness of it, as I know you can imagine. Riley is out of school, has no job, no classes or friends. He's only lived in the area for 2 months, so he doesn't known the town. He has no money either. So after we eat lunch, (of which I kindly pay for because he only has one dollar......) wait....this isn't where to begin. This morning, I screwed up. I thought we were to meet at 11:30, because that was around lunchtime, but he remembered 10:30, so in his eyes I was an hour late. I guess we took turns waiting for each other didn't we? I got there, and he'd bought me a cup of black coffee. I don't drink coffee, unless its so smothered in chocolate, you can hardly tell its coffee. However, it was very kind of him, so I pretended to drink it throughout the day. I hope he thought I was sincere. I only found out how kind that was, when he and I got to a place called No Fish Go Fish for lunch. He only had one dollar to buy lunch with for himself. I realized immediatly, (because I'm smart like that) that was because he'd used some of it on my coffee that morning. Sigh. That was very sweet. I shared what's called the lunch special with him--bowl of soup, and two desserts shaped like fish. They looked identical from the outside, so I tore mine in half to see which it was. Riley smiled at me, and tore his in half in response, "Now we match." He said. Gods, that was cute. You see readers, as I mentioned at the end of my last post, after our first date I began questioning Riley and dating him. I realized when taking my shower yesterday evening, that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Somehow....I'd lost it. Now I felt like I was meeting somebody who could be a friend...like playdates. It made me sad, and it made my parents and Cat, (when she called and I told her) very disappointed too. Cat and I don't really meet anymore. Her being with her boyfriend, Clay, has set us apart. She's in love, and that makes him her priority. I know Cat believes that if I begin dating someone, that means we can do "double dates," and we can see each other again. Sorry Cat. Not yet. My trip on the bus to meet Riley this morning was hard. I felt I had all this weight on my shoulders for this to work out. The Homeschool Prom is coming up in a few months, and I don't want to go alone. I've gone alone for the last two years. I'm tired of getting a photo of myself....and standing alone in the frame. I want to see Cat again.....I want to be in love.... Sorry Nicole. Not yet. I looked at how I felt and acted around Riley during our date today. After lunch, we were at a loss as to what to do for the rest of the afternoon. When you have a boy who doesn't have any money, where do you take him? I don't know. I asked him where on this street were his favorite places.....he replied he hadn't been here long enough to explore much, so take him to one of my favorites. I took him to a couple, but ran out quickly. We had two hours to kill, what were we going to do? So we got on a bus, and decided to get off when we saw something interesting. We got downtown, and pulled the string to get off.....but pulled it one stop too late. The bus crossed the highway bridge, across the river, and dropped us right in the middle of the most-uninteresting part of Portland I've seen. No fun stuff. No shops. No food places. Not even a Starbucks. How amazing is that!? We got back on the bus, circled back to where we'd started. We wandered Safeway a few moments, and then I walked him back to the house he stayed in. We said, "bye," and then there was that hesitation. You know what kind I mean. The hesitation of....I hugged her, what do I do now? Peck her on the cheek? Something else? More? Nothing happened, and I let him go. I walked away. I swept up the street towards a bus stop, thinking to myself along the way what I was going to do. I was pretty sure now I only liked him as a friend, but I hated admitting that. I wouldn't have to. Not with the call I got this evening.....or rather, the three calls I got this evening from Riley. With those calls, and what I learned....I didn't have to decide anything. Everything got decided for me. Sigh. Well, now I know that at least I helped him kill a couple of hours.

Good ol Monday.

2008-03-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

Monday was a very long, long, long, long day for me. It could have been longer. It sure could have been. But by the evening, the longness had gotten on my nerves...and I decided to cut the longness...in half! (Cackles wickedly and nefariously.) It started out with a date in Pete's Coffee. I wanted it to go well so badly. "Single" had gotten to be an old label for me, one I was plenty ready to throw away, to stuff in the back of the closet, where it could mold and fall apart with all the other skeletons for all I cared. Today, I wore a long pair of purple velvet pants, (noticing a trend of fabrics here?) A midnight blue velvet shirt with long sleeves, a midnight blue suade jacket that fell to the floor, and a Chinese scarf that was....no, not velvet, but satin. I got there 4 minutes early, as is also part of my dating style and skill. I sat down at a small table in the overpacked coffee shop, and waited. The smells of coffee, muffins, cookies of varying flavors, frapa's of varied tastes and teas both hot and iced. They were overwhelming for the girl who hadn't eaten yet that day....and in fact hadn't eaten for three days due to the juice diet. She could eat this morning because it was a date, but she refused to do it until Riley arrived. Let's say, I waited a long time. 20 minutes. By then, the smells and scents of the shop were getting to me. I felt like temptation decided to take up the chair across from me, and kept baiting me with the view I had purposefully put my back too. But I was so hungry. No. No. No. Not gonna happen. Finally, he arrived. He said he'd been busy applying at different shops and buisnesses up and down the street. We sat down. He said he'd already eaten breakast, so I went ahead and ordered just for me. So much for waiting eh? I got myself a blueberry muffin and a chocolate macadamia frapachino. (Gods, I want that now.) They were delicious, absolutely, positively delicious.....(okay, I'll stop now mom. Sorry.) The date ended 45 minutes later, when he escorted me to the Magic Store for my shift. He even carried my backpack for me. (which held my spare pair of shoes....yes, I was wearing the high heels with silver buckles again. Yes, I am an idiot.) Once there, he didn't hang around long. Eventually, he skipped off home again. (he lived on the street.) And I breathed a sigh of relief in the corner. And then smiled. And then called my mom for the required update. It was a good date. He didn't ask me many questions. I did most of the asking. He's got a stutter I hadn't realized he had before. However, he was the one to ask to meet again....tomorrow morning for lunch. (don't ask) All just pros and cons right? I settled down for another day of Magic. Per say. I made a Rose Pleasure Tea today. It's got something in it called an "Aphrodisia." (Excuse the terrible spelling on that one.) It is a herb that heightens sexual desire in males and females. It's Damiana for girls, and Yohimbe for boys. That's the kind of tea I mixed up this afternoon. It was fun, and I really enjoyed the woman I was working with, Jessye. She and I got along really well. I love the kind fo people who hang out or search out shops of this genre. However, it does seems I am taller than every volunteer who works there. I was there from 10:00 AM, until 5:00 PM. I usually get off an hour earlier than that, but I had someplace to go an hour from here, but wasn't due there until 7:00. So I hung around, chatting with the people in the shop, and mixing up batches of other teas, and assisting customers, and all that jazz. Then I talked to my mom, and through her wanting me home, through the fact I really didn't want to go to this Open Mike tonight with my friends, (my friends and I aren't on good terms right now) I decided to just hop a bus, and join my family where they were lounging at our favorite Borders bookstore. I am so glad I did. I was tired from the already long day. It could have been longer, and I could have attended Open Mike, but I had no taste for seeing Cat and the others. I never do anymore. I've realized the distance there is between them and me, and I'm letting it grow larger, if that's what it decides to be. Instead, I got to sit at a table with my family, reading too many mangas. Tonight's read was....finishing Night of the Beasts. It ended happily, which is good, but looking at the pretty main couple made me long for what I didn't have, and for what most of my friends did. Love. Cat swears she has it. Several other friends say they do too. Sigh. Not going to let this get me down. No. No. Nope. I have another date tomorrow morning...but I'm not so sure about all this anymore. Not sure about Riley...and if I am attracted to him anymore. Damn it.

My latest guy find

2008-03-05T09:40:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day was not an exciting affair for me this year. However, it typically isn't for me. This isn't to say I haven't dated, dear readers. Quite the contrary. I had my first date at 12 years old, and two other boys followed him. However, for some odd reason I've broken it off with each right around that holiday. I know, the fact that that day isn't very exciting is probably kinda my fault then right? It used to be I was never single. Ever since I was 12, the longest I was without a guy I was dating was two or three months, if that. Some relationships overlapped with one another, which is part of my dating style. (I always talk to the boy about it too though, so they know.) So when I broke up with Boyfriend 3 last year, I kinda expected....well, hoped...to find another reasonablly quickly. However, here I am, Valentine's Day the next year, and still single. It's gotten old. I have a friend who now has the boyfriend she's wanted for a year. I've watched them pine after one another, following each other around, mooning after the others looks. I do believe I knew they were crushing on the other, long before they themselves knew. For the last four years, this girl has been my best friend. (besides my mom.) Her name is Cat, (not really, but for condidentiality purposes, it is.) And I am incredibly jealous of her relationship. I am not the jealous type, my parents can vouge for this, but watching Cat with her boy week after week, kissing in corners, holding hands in bus stops, doing invisible things in the shadows at parties....a seperation has begun to form between Cat and I. But that's another story. I've mentioned my internship at a local Magic Store. I am working there with several other volunteers, including a very attractive boy, named Riley. I've only happend upon him a couple of times, so I know very little of his personality, past, present, likes dislikes, everything a girl is supposed to research before asking a guy out. But I decided...to hell with all that. So last Friday, I hopped a bus, and zoomed and swished on down there. I knew him to work Fridays, and had been working up my guts all day. Now I spent 45 minutes to get to the Magic Shop, and if I hadn't been staring out the window, I would have missed him. He was walking up and down the street with another volunteer, posting up flyers for the store. He wore a dress shirt buttoned up to the neck. It was a light purple, and remained untucked. He wore jeans, and his hair was a blond, gold, brown combination of colors. I always thought it looked windblown, even when he was indoors. His eyes were a bright blue....beautiful. If I hadn't been looking out the window, I would have missed him. I hopped off the bus, and ran over to him. I wandered up and down the street, helping with the flyers for a bit. I was freezing, because I'd dressed up and refused to wear my coat in the chill weather, because it would cover my outfit. I'm such a girl sometimes. Though I am loath to admit it. On that Friday afternoon, I wore dark velvet pants that trailed behind my heeled shoes with silver buckles. (Which I would wear until I was out of sight of him, and then take off and stuff in my backpack. Once again, this is the kind of girl I am.) I wore a matching dark red velvet top that was a tanktop, and which had black ribbon lace up the back, but got covered because I was wearing a small black vest. Last, I wore a red suade hat on my head. I thought I looked great. When the other volunteer went inside a business with flyers, I took my chance. I turned to him with all the confidence I'd built through hours of steeling myself, and deep breaths....and I said, "Do you have a favorite coffee shop?" He cocked his head at me, and a lock of his hair swung to the side. "Pete's Coffee. Why?" He replied.

It's freezing.

2008-03-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

Oregon is known for it's rain. That is its reputation. Everyone knows this. The people I know over in New York know this. The people I know in Canada know this. Hell, even the people I know in Australia know this! But we haven't had rain the past couple of days. Instead, we've had nice sunshine, reasonably warm weather during the day....and then its freezing in the evenings. I am sitting here at my computer, velvet pants and a T-shirt, with a large wintercoat on, and am cold. I am going to change into socks, PJ's, and then snuggle onto the couch with my brothers in a blanket during the movie...while dad serves my mom and I our evening juice. It is so damned cold! It's warm during the day, why can't it be WARM at night? Do the Oregon codes not allow for this? Would the people in Australia believe something was terribly wrong if it was warm here for a couple of nights? NO. Sometimes I think if there was a god, he could be a bit nicer to me.

The end of the week.

2008-03-02T21:15:00.001-08:00

Today is the last day of the week, the day before the chaos of Monday sets upon us, and the freedom of the weekend is left behind once more. My house of five is quieting. The five sets of stereo's have been dialed down to two, the telephone and cell phones have stopped ringing, emails have stopped coming in, and night has fallen outside. On this pretty evening in Oregon, I find myself once again sitting in my room in front of my computer, as a good 17 female teenager should be. My music is playing, my room is full of clutter, my mind is whirling with the written word, and my cell phone has finally been abandoned in the living room. Across the hall, my two younger brothers sit in front of the computer and their Xbox 360, playing away even though I am sure their designated hour of time has long been up. Caspian, age 14 and named for the Prince of the Narnia series, just spent the entire day in downtown Portland, helping to build a cob floor for a Martial Arts dojo. It has done wonders for the brother that I keep hoping will find some friends of his own. I've tried to welcome him into mine, but it's not the place for him. His personality seems to have taken him another place. This Outdoors group seems to have welcomed him, and he is blossoming in a way I am so thankful for. He's my brother, and I want him to find people he can lean of if need be. This is a good first step towards that. Coryn, age 11 and named for the brother of the Prince from the Narnia series, has gone into the living room to try and get my parents to turn on a movie. I know Coryn would also love to have a group of friends like Caspian does, but he is still quite connected to mom and dad. I would never call this a bad thing. My family is very close knit. However, I do wish he soon finds a way to get out there and begin to find his patch of the world....even if, I hate to admit, it turns out to be in the world of gaming. Today is Sunday, so things are supposed to be quiet. I spent most the day home, not feeling my best as I have been the past couple of days, and then this evening was spent with a close friend of mine. He's the gay friend most people wish they had these days, and it happens he just moved closer to me. I met him for dinner, and then went to see his new place. Although, through a series of miscommunications, it didn't turn out that way. Today is my second day of being on a new diet my dad has chosen. (He does this often.) It a juice diet. You drink juice, only juice, nothing but juice, just.........juice. Can you hear how excited I am? Good, because I can't. Tomorrow I'm off to the internship I've recently given myself too....and as most teenagers are....and homeschoolers too....I've yet to finish my homework. Goodnight,